


One Last Time.

by Pegasus Phoenix (pegasus_phoenix)



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Angst, Death, Drabble, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-20
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2017-10-17 04:15:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 80,744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/172794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pegasus_phoenix/pseuds/Pegasus%20Phoenix
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's about love - how it can build you up and how it can tear you down. It's about loving more than one person and how every time you fall in love it's a little different but it's still love. It's about letting go and holding on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to my bff for being a sounding-board, for being honest, for keeping me on track, for encouraging me, for inadvertently becoming my beta, my voice of reason, my cheerleader and always doing it with good humor. You're the best hun, I wouldn't have got this far without you. Thanks.  
> All mistakes are my own.
> 
> \--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> Disclaimer; They're not mine I just take them out the box to play with.
> 
> \-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> 
> This story began it's life as a drabble, then another drabble, then it morphed into a monster. When I started out i didn't know where the characters were going to take me. I knew it was going to be an adult story so I gave it a M rating, I'm upping it to an E rating from chapter 17 onward because sooner or later it's going to get even more adult ie slash sex scene/s. If you don't like that kind of thing or not mature enough to handle it then please don't read. You have been warned.
> 
> \----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Radek took a deep breath and apprehensively entered the darkened lab. The anguish radiating from the familiar figure hunched over the computer in front of him was palpable and cut through his heart like a dull knife.

'Rodney.' Radek’s voice was gentle and quiet, a whisper of an apology coloured by foreboding.

Rodney didn’t move; his back tense, body frozen in anticipation, bracing for impact.

Radek shook his head in despair at the pain he was about to inflict on his friend. 'Is not good Rodney, Carson says we should prepare for worst. You really should go see him now.'


	2. Pseudo Life

Rodney understands what has happened. He’s gone. There is no more us, no more we, it’s back to being me and I.  
There’ll be no more teasingly pretending ‘he doesn't do cuddling’, no more stolen kisses in corridors, seconds to spare before discovery. No more looking in those intense eyes and knowing the smile they hold is just for him.  
Rodney wonders why he didn't hold him more, hold him everyday?  
He’d tear down the Universe to feel those arms around him again, their firm strength belying a comfort that made his heart ache.  
Rodney understands and it’s breaking him.


	3. Lost

Rodney’s slowly unraveling. He knows it, Zelenka knows it; damn everyone knows it but they can’t stop it and Rodney doesn't even know if he wants to.  
No one talks about it using words but there are conversations involving pointed looks and whispered gestures.  
They think he doesn't notice when Elizabeth’s concerned eyes question Radek’s, who just helplessly shrugs in return, both at a loss as to what to do or how to help or how not to make things worse.

They think he doesn't notice the way Carson is handling him like he may shatter at any second and who knows, maybe he will?

They think Rodney doesn't notice that no one uses His name when he’s nearby. Maybe it’s because Rodney can’t say His name yet because if he does it will just finish him.  
His name held such reverence for Rodney. Using His name out loud meant they were alone, they were a couple. The Colonel belonged to and was loved by everyone but…He belonged to and was loved only by Rodney.

The shear pain of this loss is crushing Rodney. The grief is consuming him and it would be so, so easy to just disappear into it; to just let it take him away from all the ridiculously insignificant shit going on around him. Rodney can see them and hear them but none of it touches him because all the light from his life has gone, he’s been left only with the darkness and he can’t find a way out.

He's alone in the darkness of his grief because they didn't know; not until the end of course, when he fell apart.  
They hadn't known the precious secret He and Rodney had fiercely protected from everyone around them; what they had become to each other, the life they had built together in secrecy and they can never understand the man Rodney knew, the man behind the façade of the title Colonel.  
The man who had illuminated for Rodney the most mundane moments with a simple whisper of ‘I love you’ that would tilt his world on its axis and leave him breathless. The man who’d loved him with strength of passion only equal to his bravery.  
They were on the outside while Rodney was cocooned in a love so strong but hidden from the world. A passion that walked silently between them in public but exploded with a force that rocked them to the core in their solitude.  
Sometimes the power of what they shared had frightened Rodney because he would raise cities and blow up worlds to protect the man who had shown him a depth of love he had never known existed.  
What did Rodney do now, now he knew he was only ever half alive before Him?


	4. Empty Chair

As he sat, in uncharacteristic silence at the meeting room table, Rodney tried to ignore the sickening emptiness of the vacant chair next to him.  
He should be there sitting right next to him. He should be there whispering juvenile comments, while Elizabeth droned on about their need to trade for more Kakfort beans and Rodney tried to look serious.

Rodney could feel the emptiness of the chair pushing him, the ache in his chest getting stronger, the sheer lack of His presence next to him was drowning out everything else in the room. He could feel the tears blurring his vision, the sting in his nose and the ache in his throat. He clenched his jaw tightly, staring blindly at his data pad trying to calm his breathing as white hot anger started burning in his chest.

“…Rodney! Are you OK?” Elizabeth’s tentative inquiry broke through Rodney’s concentration; it was obviously not the first time she’d called for his attention.

Rodney raised his head to see everyone in the room staring at him; Teyla, Ronan, Zalenka, Lorne, Parrish, Carson, Stackhouse and Elizabeth all with varying degrees of sympathy or concern painted on their faces.  
He felt the room closing in around him, the chair next to him was empty and he felt the anger bursting through his body, forcing him out of his chair so quickly it toppled backwards, bouncing to the floor, which he ignored, rage making his hands shake so he clenched them into fists at his side.

“Yes Elizabeth, I’m Fine,” Rodney spat sarcastically, “I’m fucking great! Why don’t you all just go ahead and chat about your fucking beans and your fucking trade agreements and whatever else other fucking pointless shit you have on your agenda.” In fury he tossed his data pad across the desk towards Elizabeth. “There’s my fucking report. I’ve got better things to do than listen to this shit!” Rodney kicked the chair out of his way and stormed out, leaving stunned silence in his wake.

There was a split second where everyone around the table just looked at each other in shock as the tension hung in the air; then Lorne sprang up from his chair, “I’ll go,” he said quickly working his way around the table. “The Lieutenant will take over for me.” He nodded towards Stackhouse as he passed opposite Elizabeth, she gave him a curious inclination of her head in agreement.

Lorne waited until he was out of view from the meeting room doors then broke into a jog. Chuck nodded him in the direction Rodney must have taken and Lorne had a feeling he knew where Rodney was headed. He stopped before he got to the balcony, barely out of breath. He could already see Rodney standing with his back to him leaning heavily on the railings, head bowed between shoulders stiff with tension.

Lorne quietly stepped out onto the balcony and stood next to Rodney. “Hey, Mer.”

Rodney snorted in disbelief as he shook his head between his arms. “You’re the last person I expected them to send,” his voice was small and quavering with emotion but a little calmer.

“I wasn't sent Mer, I wanted to come.” Lorne ducked his head trying to see Rodney’s face which was hidden by a tensely braced bicep. He could see Rodney was crying and it made his heart ache. Placing a hand on Rodney’s back Lorne gentle rubbed small circles and turned to look out over the ocean.

Rodney raised his head and stared out to sea. “I can’t do this Evan. You know I was never one for romantic platitudes but I let him in too far, it’s like he’s part of me. I love him so fucking much and he’s gone.” Rodney choked and dropped his head again. “He should be there, sitting next to me, he should be here..”

Evan could see tears hitting the balcony floor in the space between Rodney’s arms. He slid his hand over Rodney’s back in a half hug and bent his head down to whisper in his ear, “I’m so sorry Mer,” and gently kissed the side his head. “It’s gonna to be okay.”

Rodney straightened, forcing Evan to drop his arm and take a step back, he could see the anger and pain burning in Rodney’s eyes.

“You have no fucking idea Evan. It’s never going to be okay,” Rodney grimaced.

Evan felt his own anger, frustration and pain spike, before he knew it he was shouting, “We lost him too Rodney!”

Rodney just looked away from him, out towards the ocean again and shook his head.

“What!? You think that no one else’s ever loved before, like you loved John?” Evan shot back bitterly. “You think no one else ever lost someone they loved before? I loved you and I lost you but you get through it Rodney, you have to!”

Rodney whipped around to face him in disbelief. “For fuck’s sake Evan, this isn't about us.”

“I know this isn't about us you asshole!” Evan shouted.

“I didn't DIE Evan, I left you! John DIED In my arms! I tried to keep him alive until Carson got there and I couldn't! I. Felt. Him. Die! Carson got him back and I really thought he’d make it, that he’d fight! Once again John Sheppard would live to love and fight another day like he always does. But he didn't! He gave up Evan, after everything we've been through he stopped fighting.”

Evan just looked at Rodney for a few seconds as if he couldn't believe what he’d just heard. “Jesus Mer! You really think if John had anything left to fight with he’d have given up? He’d never have left you if he’d had a choice. John would be devastated if he knew that’s how you thought of him.”

Evan watched the desolation sweep over Rodney’s face as the words hit him. Rodney hugged himself and a choked sob escape as he turned away from Evan again.

“Shit! Mer, I’m sorry.” Evan put his hand on Rodney’s shoulder and squeezed gently by way of an apology and comfort. “Look; maybe you’re right and I’m the last person you need right now, we always seem to end up hurting each other these days.  
I’m sorry. I hate seeing you like this and… you know we’re here for you right?.”

Rodney turned and Evan could see his blue eyes radiant with tears. Moving on instinct Evan stepped forward and wrapped his arms around him; he felt Rodney hold him, gripping onto the shoulders of his shirt tightly and burying a tear soaked face into his neck.

“I’m so angry with Him.” Rodney’s voice was muffled against Evan’s neck and he could feel hot, tear stuttering breaths on his throat. “I’m so angry at him for leaving. God, I miss him so much, it hurts to breathe, he-he made me stronger; I can’t do this without him, nothing makes sense any more, what’s left isn't enough.”

Evan could feel fear coiling around in his stomach as Rodney spoke and it made his arms tighten instinctively around his ex-lovers back. He took a deep steadying breath and started carefully, gently talking into Rodney’s ear and rubbing his hand up and down the familiar, strong, broad back soothingly, “What I was trying to say Mer is, I……we know you're in pain and what losing John is doing to you but we’re scared Mer. We’re scared we’re losing you too. John wouldn't want that; he wouldn't want his brilliant scientist to fall apart because of him.”

Rodney took a deep shuddering breath and Evan felt the neck of his shirt move against the rush of breath. Rodney stiffened in his arms and straightened up abruptly, taking a step back out of Evan’s arms.  
As he stood back an apathetic mask fell over Rodney’s face, “I know that. Excuse me but I think I need some time alone,” Rodney stated briskly and started to leave the balcony.

“Mer, Wait!” Evan started after him, still spinning from the abrupt change in Rodney’s demeanor.

Rodney stopped and looked back over his shoulder at Evan, “Please Colonel, just-just.. I can’t talk about it…I just …I can’t do this.”

Before Evan could respond Rodney walked away, down the corridor, into the transporter and hit the icon on the wall panel for the living quarters.  
He exited the transporter and walked past the door to his own room and carried on further down to the end of the corridor. He let himself into John’s room, locked the door and let the feeling of safety seep into his bones.

He lay down, curled on his side, on top of the bed covers that were still rumpled from the last time they’d made love. Rodney picked up the black shirt that was going stiff from dried bloodstains around frayed bullet holes in the chest and stomach and held it close to his chest. He buried his nose in the collar of the shirt where he could still smell the scent of John’s shampoo and musky skin, he took a deep breath inhaling the scents and let his tears fall in silence.


	5. Going Under

“I tried Doc,” Evan shook his head in confusion, “but I don’t know if I just made things worse? I’m worried about him”.  
Carson watched as the weary soldier lent against the wall of his small office, taking in his tired clumsiness he held his tongue for now and let Evan talk.  
“We were shouting at each other one minute, the next he was crying in my arms and then it was like he was a different person; distant. He just froze me out.” Evan sighed heavily, running his hands over his face and dropping them to let his head fall back against the wall; he was so tired he could feel it dragging on his body like dead weight and throbbing deep in his muscles.

“Aye I know. Ye not alone lad, we’re all concerned.” Carson warmed his hands on his coffee mug, at times he found the fine line between friendship and physician blurred so much he wasn't sure which way he was supposed to go. “It’s frustrating I know but there’s only so much any of us can do can if he won’t let us help. Elizabeth’s already ordered him to see Kate Heightmeyer”

Evan looked at Carson in surprise. “Has he been yet?”

“Oh Aye he’s been; a few times, for what little good it’s done. From what I've heard he’s not co-operating with Kate either”.

Carson studied the dark circles under Evan’s eyes, the stress molding his features and the tension in the muscles tightening his movements. “Ye tried son, that’s all anyone can ask. I know ye have a vested interest in Rodney’s wellbeing but ye cannae make yourself sick over it.”

Evan gave Carson a weary almost embarrassed smile. “Old habits die hard Doc.”

“Aye they do at that.”

“John would've known what to do,” Evan said to himself, staring at the patterns on the ceiling lost in his own thoughts.

Rising from his seat Carson unlocked the pharmaceutical cabinet hanging on the far wall of his office. He carefully counted out some pills and put them in a small envelope. Holding Evan’s hand he placed the packet in the open upturned palm and looked him in the eye seriously. “Take one of these and get at least 8 hours uninterrupted sleep. Ye no good tae anyone when ye running on empty.”

Evan stared down at the packet in his hand; he was so desperately beyond tired he was actually considering using them. “Thanks Doc, I'll try but I...I'm scared he's gonna hurt himself,” he admitted uncomfortably.

“Get some rest. I’ll be keeping an eye on Rodney as will Elizabeth and Radek.” Carson patted Evan on the shoulder and tried to reassure him. "Now go on, away with ye".

Evan nodded, “I'll try Doc. You get some rest too Doc.” Wearily he left the office clutching his pills.

Carson slumped down in his chair, ran his hands over his face a couple of times then into his hair and held them there.  
He knew Evan was right and he’d do well to listen to his own advice and get some rest but more importantly he needed to check on Rodney first.

Tapping his ear-bud tiredly he said, “Beckett tae Zalenka. Radek? You still awake?”

“Yes, Carson, still here. You want to know where Rodney is yes?”

“Yes please, Radek.”

Carson heard a pause and a sigh from Radek as he read the life signs detector.

“He is in John’s quarters again. This is not good, Carson.”

Carson closed his eyes and let out a sigh of his own, “I know. Thanks, Radek. I’m going tae look in on him; can you sort out the door for me? I doubt he’ll answer and if he’s resting I’ll not want to wake him.

“Is done, Carson.”

“Thanks my friend. Beckett out.”

Carson apprehensively made his way through the corridors to John’s quarters. He hesitated, dreading that Evan's worst fears may be behind the door, taking his courage in his hands and schooling his face he swiped the key crystals.

Quietly entering the dimly lit room Carson took in the miserable, still, curled up form of Rodney lying on John’s bed and let out a quiet sigh of relief when he saw the gentle rise and fall of Rodney’s breathing as he faced the bedside table where John’s wristband and watch had been placed.  
Everything was as John had left it; his trainers lined up neatly beside the closet, his skate board and surf board standing neglected in one corner, a drawing Rodney’s Niece had sent John was pinned underneath his Johnny Cash poster - only now the inscription ‘For Uncle John, love Madison’ made Carson wonder why he’d never thought twice at the dedication before.

He went over and stood beside the bed next to Rodney. He could see Rodney’s puffy bloodshot eyes blink in the half-light but not acknowledging his presence.  
Carefully he sat on the edge of the bed and put a hand on Rodney’s shoulder. It was then he noticed the black cloth of the shirt Rodney had grasped to his chest, the collar of which was nuzzled against his nose and mouth.  
He recognized the surgical sharp slice through the material; he’d made it himself as he knelt over John’s body. He’d had to make the cut to the opposite side of the shirt from the injury because Rodney’s blood soaked hands had been desperately compressing the bullet wounds.

Carson closed his eyes and swallowed hard, trying to clear his head of the memories and pain and grief, he needed to focus.

“Rodney,” Carson spoke softly so as not to startle him. “Rodney, this isn't healthy lad.”

“I don’t care,” Rodney’s voice was desolate and barely a whisper.

“Well, I do, Rodney,” Carson said slightly firmer. He tentatively and slowly took the shirt from Rodney’s grasp, pulling the material through reluctant fingers but Rodney didn't move and didn't say a word. Carson balled up the shirt and placed it behind him on the bed.

Lacing his fingers together and resting them between his thighs, Carson took a deep calming breath. “Ye can get through this Rodney. What happened was tragically cruel and it isn't fair and I’d do bloody anything if I could change what happened but I can’t. None of us can. But what we can do is go on living and remember and never let anyone forget John; who he was, the lives he saved and that he made a difference. We all owe him that much.”

Carson noticed Rodney flinch at the use of the Colonel's name and could just make out the tears sliding down Rodney’s nose and plopping onto the bed sheets and even though Rodney’s lips were pressed firmly together there was still a small tremor to them.

Carson rose from the bed and went to the bathroom, squeezing his eyes shut tightly and clenching his jaw he tried to compose himself.  
He looked around the small room for a washcloth and noticed the two toothbrushes side by side in a cup on the shelf and above, stuck to the stained-glass cabinet door, was a yellow post-it-note, in John’s military neat writing was written simply, ‘Love you.’  
Swallowing past the lump in his throat Carson grabbed the washcloth from the side of the basin and ran it quickly under cold water, squeezing out the excess a little more forcefully than was necessary.

Returning to the main room he sat on the bedside next to Rodney again and gently urged him to sit up. Once Rodney was sitting against the headboard Carson took the damp, cool washcloth and steadying himself with one hand on Rodney’s shoulder he carefully wiped over Rodney’s red puffy, tear stained eyes and face.

“There now,” he said sitting back, “that might ease some of the soreness.” Carson lent over and placed the used cloth on the nightstand next to John’s wristband and stood up.

“Right, Rodney, come on,” he said in a voice more confident than he felt but which brooked no arguments. He held out his hands to Rodney. “Up Rodney, you’re coming with me.”

For the first time since Carson had entered the room Rodney turned to look at him. His face was vacant and his eyes dead “Where?” he said quietly.

“Well, ye can stay in my quarters for a wee while or we can go back tae yours but you’re not staying here.” Carson beckoned Rodney to get up with his hands.

Rodney hesitated for a fraction then leaned forward and took Carson’s hands and hauled himself off the bed.

Resting his hand softly on the small of Rodney’s back Carson guided him out of John’s room. “Where do ye want tae go Rodney?” Carson asked as he navigated them along the corridor approaching Rodney’s quarters.

“Yours.” Rodney stated flatly.

“Aye, that’s probably for the best,” Carson said to himself as he continued to guide Rodney through the corridors and transporters to his own quarters.


	6. Echoes

Carson sat on the foot of his bed and lay back with his hands over his face.

He just needed to hold it together a while longer and then he could deal with his own grief, the worry over his best friend’s spiral into darkness, the concern for those who were also trying to cope and the whole bloody horrific mess that had been left by and the fallout from Colonel Sheppard’s murder.

He’d managed to get Rodney undressed and into his shower with little protest, much to his great relief, however the uncharacteristic malleability Rodney now exhibited was another concern he added to his ever growing list.

From the bathroom he could still hear the water running and fought the urge to check on his friend again; although, he really should make sure they both ate something.

With a lot effort and even more determination Carson pulled himself up from his bed and went to find Rodney in the adjoining bathroom.

The air in the smaller room was warm and thick from humid water vapor. Rivulets of water ran down the frosted glass shower door, behind which Carson could see the blurred form of his friend. “Rodney, I’m getting some food for us. Is there anything else ye want?”

“No..no thank you, Carson,” came the hesitant reply from stilled figure within the shower.

“I’ll only be a tick. Radek will be here shortly with your things.” Carson made to leave then stopped as the bathroom cabinet caught his attention.

Silently scolding himself for not thinking of it sooner he quietly opened the bathroom cabinet checked nothing was amiss and then removed his wet razor and any pills, pocketing them in his white coat as he silently closed the cupboard door then left the room.

The door chime sounded as Carson re-entered the main room and with a flick of a thought he opened the door.

Radek entered looking slightly more rumpled than normal, carrying a bundle of clothes, a data pad in his arms and stood looking at Carson for a few seconds, head cocked to the side studying the dark smudges under his friend’s eyes. “Carson, you need to rest.”

“I’m okay, Radek.” Carson attempted an encouraging smile because even to his ears those words didn't ring true.

Changing the subject, Carson nodded towards the bundle in Radek’s arms. “Those Rodney’s things?”

“Oh yes yes they are,” Radek said as if he’d almost forgotten he’d been carrying them along with his data pad. “I didn't know quite what to bring so if he needs anything else just let me know,” He placed the small bundle on the end of Carson’s bed.

“I’ll do that, thanks.” Carson smiled appreciatively. “Rodney’s in the shower, if you could just keep a wee eye on him? I promise I’ll not be long.”

“No problem my friend, take all the time you need.” Radek could see the strain starting to show on his friend but pointing it out again to Carson would be a waste of breath so he sat down with his data pad at Carson’s desk, resolved to help in any way he could even if it was just watching over Rodney while Carson was away.

~*~

The Mess Hall was pretty quiet save for a few small groups of people scattered sparsely around the room.

The darkness outside painted the windows an inky black but the doors to the balconies were open, letting in the cool night breeze and the soft shushing sound of the ocean.

Carson took a deep breath of the refreshing salt laced air and let the calm bleed though his muscles before heading for the food counter.

From where she sat across the room Elizabeth watched as Carson started towards the food line and waved to catch his attention. She saw him acknowledge her with a smile and she beckoned him over to her table. Carson reached the small table and gratefully sat down with a tried huff.

“I cannae stay long I’m afraid, I’ve left Radek mindin' Rodney while I get us a wee bite.” Carson laced his fingers together and rested his hands in front of him on the table.

“How is he?” Elizabeth inquired, her concerned frown carving a furrow between her brows.

“Not good Elizabeth,” Carson said shaking his head. “Tae be frank, I think he’s on the edge of a breakdown. He’s been through a lot of trauma; he’s not dealin' with John’s death at all well. It’s possible he also has PTSD. I found him earlier in John’s quarters holdin' the shirt John was shot in. At this point I’m concerned he may try and harm himself.” He watched as his words hit Elizabeth, the shock register in her eyes, then her bowed head before she raised it again and with an effort slipped her leadership mask on for his benefit.

“I had no idea he’d gotten this bad,” she said holding her arms across herself. “How did he even get hold of the shirt? I thought it was being held for evidence at SGC.”

Carson shook his head tiredly. “I have no idea. I’ve taken it from him anyhow; it’s in John’s quarters on his bed if ye want tae get someone tae retrieve it.”

Elizabeth’s lips pressed tighter, she moved closer across the table towards Carson, her hands clasped in front of her, white knuckles betraying the worry she was trying to hold in check. “Do you really think Rodney could be a danger to himself?” she asked quietly.

“As much as I don’t want tae believe it on a personal note, as his physician, the emotional and physical state he’s in at the moment; it’s a possibility and I have tae take that possibility seriously.”

Carson sighed heavily. “The way Rodney was talkin' and behaving was enough tae worry Colonel Lorne half tae death. There’re other things too. Rodney’s withdrawn from everythin' around him, he’s lost interest in his work, he’s losin' weight and he’s obviously depressed. I think his outburst in the meetin' today was possibly another indicator, his moods are all over the place.”

Elizabeth chewed her lower lip for a few seconds while she considered Carson’s words, “Would sending him back to Earth be of any benefit?”

It was hard for her to suggest losing Rodney but if it was in his best interest then they would just have to cope without their resident genius and friend.

Carson hesitated while he considered his answer then looked at her earnestly, “I really don’t think so Elizabeth. He has Jeannie there but I know Rodney, he considers Atlantis his home, and us his family. Besides, Atlantis is his last connection tae John and he’s not goin' tae give that up lightly and at the moment I don’t think it would be a wise step for us tae suggest he does.”

“Whatever you think is for the best Carson. You’re all I have to go on at the moment. He’s still refusing to talk to Kate; she says he just sits in silence for the duration of his appointments.”

“Aye I’ve heard. Well, I’m no psychologist but I’ll be keeping an eye on him for a while so I’ll liaise with Kate if needs be. Dr Biro will be covering for me, unless there’s a major emergency of course.  
Rodney will be staying with me for a few days at least.  
In fact, I’d better be going Elizabeth; I don’t want tae leave him too long but I’ll keep you apprised of the situation.”

“I'd appreciate that, Carson.” Elizabeth smiled kindly at him.

“Goodnight, Elizabeth.” Carson smiled wearily as he stood up.

“Goodnight, Carson.” Elizabeth watched as Carson made his way determinedly across the mess hall to the food counter, as he picked two bowls of soup, collected water and rolls and left walking slowly, balancing his tray carefully as he went.

~*~

As the water cascaded soothingly over the back of his neck and shoulders Rodney silently locked the bathroom door and told it to open for no one but him.

He stared at the water droplets as they chased each other down the shower wall, how one droplet ran into another, then another, then another, making rivulets that petered down into nothing.

He liked these moments, when he was so numb he felt disconnected from everything and for a brief moment it all stopped and nothing mattered. The painful ache of loss still burned in his chest but he felt further away from it.

Moving so the water spray was on his back, sliding over his skin like a warm blanket, Rodney braced his arms against the shower wall and listened to the hypnotic slapping splash of water hitting the cubical floor.

The rhythmic slap, slap of water as it fell onto the grey concrete floor of an abandoned corridor, the knees of his BDU’s soaking wet as he knelt on the hard floor, leaning over John’s body.

There’s so much blood, the shallow film of pink water around his knees is turning red.

There’s too much blood it’s seeping through his fingers, out from underneath his palms, running over his already blood soaked hands, trickling warmly down his wrist and dripping onto the floor. It won’t stop. He won’t stop bleeding. There’s too much.

The copper tang of blood in the air mixing with the damp moldy smell of the corridor assaults his nose.

He looks from his red slippery hands to John’s face, which is so white his lips have almost lost their natural color and have a blue tinge.

“John.” He hears his voice break on the name.

John’s eyes flick to his face. He can feel John’s shallow breaths getting further and further apart.

Rodney doesn't break eye contact with John, even though he knows the fear and despair and utter panic is showing in his eyes, he can’t look away now.

John’s lips make an aborted movement, as if he’s trying to say something and then they just stop and relax slightly and Rodney watches as the light in John’s eyes leaves and his gaze loses focus.

“NO! JOHN NO!” Rodney wraps his arms around John and holds his cheek next to John’s. He’s rocking backwards and forwards, can feel John’s limp body against him and his own tears streaming down his face, his mantra of, “Nononononono,” echoing off the lonely corridor walls around them.

There’s a banging of feet thundering down the corridor towards them.

There’s a banging and Carson’s shouting his name, he’s close by but Rodney can’t move he has to stop the blood.

~*~

Carson pounded his fist frantically on the bathroom door and shouted again, “Rodney, open the bloody door!”  
Radek, beside him, worked furiously on the control crystals to the bathroom door.

“Done!” Radek said as the door whooshed aside, Carson pushing through before it had even finished opening.

Carson’s heart was hammering hard in his chest as he yanked the shower stall door open and looked down to find Rodney on his knees in the shower stall, staring blindly at the floor, hands on the floor pushing down on phantom wounds, his whole body trembling, quietly repeating “nononono” over and over and over.

“Rodney!” When he received no response Carson turned to Radek who was still stood in the bathroom door way, “Put some music on,” he said abruptly.

“What?” Radek looked at Carson as if he were losing his mind.

“Go! Turn my stereo on, turn it on really loud, and hurry up man!” Carson turned his attention back to Rodney.

Radek frantically looked round the room, locating the iPod dock he switched it on and turned it up, the blast of Matchbox Twenty at volume bouncing around the room.

Carson watched Rodney’s reaction, or lack thereof, to the music carefully and then, with a flick of a thought, turned the shower water cold still while observing Rodney.

It took a few seconds before Carson saw a change in Rodney, when he gasped in response to the cold Carson turned the water off and grabbed a towel wrapping it tightly around Rodney, while holding one of his trembling hands, grounding him with a painfully tight grip.

'It’s alright son, come on,' he said calmly as he gently stood Rodney up and lead him out of the bathroom towards his bed.

Carson sat himself and Rodney on a towel on the edge of the bed; he looked over at Radek who stood awkwardly watching as “Bent” blasted through the room. “Could ye get me some more towels please, Radek,” he called over.

“Yes, yes of course.” Radek dashed into the bathroom and grabbed the nearest pile of towels and returned them to Carson who smiled softly at him in thanks.

“Could ye turn the music off please?” Carson asked Radek as he gently started drying Rodney with the new towels.

“I can-I can do it,” Rodney said quietly taking the towel from Carson’s stilled hands and started ineffectually drying himself.

Carson slid off the bed and crouched down in front of Rodney balancing himself with his hands on his knees, “I know ye can Rodney but why don’t ye let us help anyway.”

Carson looked up from where he was crouched to see Radek’s distraught face as he stared down at his friend.

“Radek, can ye help Rodney while I change my clothes and have a wee word with one of my nurses?” Carson asked, wanting make Radek feel useful, and handed him the towels as he stood up.

“I’ll not be long. If he does start tae have another flash back call me first, then hold his hand tight enough to hurt a little, or turn the music up loud again, just somethin' tae ground him in the here and now. I’ll be as quick as I can,” Carson said quietly.

Carson waited for Radek to start helping Rodney then, grabbing a t-shirt and sweat pants he changed out of his dampened clothes in the bathroom and then headed out into the corridor.

Once outside his quarters Carson leaned back against the wall next to his door for support and let out a long, controlled shaky breath.

In all their years of friendship he’d never seen Rodney so utterly lost, broken and out of control; it scared him deeply.

He had to pull himself together, having his own personal crisis wasn't going to help Rodney, he just needed a minute; after a few deep breaths Carson tapped his earpiece, “Nurse Darla?”

“Yes, Dr Beckett,” came her prompt reply

“I need ye to bring 20mg of Paroxetine to my quarters for Dr McKay please. I’ll also need ye tae make a brief verbal report tae Dr Heightmeyer. I’ll apprise ye of the situation once you’re here.”

“Yes Doctor. I’ll be right there.”

Carson took another deep breath, mentally shook himself and went back into his quarters.

When he re-entered the room Radek was knelt on the floor, in front of Rodney, gently drying Rodney’s calf and softly talking to him at the same time.

Carson smiled and walked over to them, Radek stood up handing the towel out to Carson.  
“Thanks Radek, I think we’re good here now,” Carson said accepting the now damp towel.

“Are you sure?” Radek looked at Carson with concern.

“I’m sure. Nurse Darla will be along in a wee bit with some medication for Rodney.”

Radek nodded, innately understanding Carson’s need to give Rodney some privacy.

“If you need anything…...” Radek raised his eyebrows expectantly at Carson.

“Aye, I know who tae ask. Thanks again my friend.”

Carson watched Radek leave and then turned his attention back to Rodney who had a towel clutched in his hands which were resting between his legs.

He helped Rodney dress into a pair the boxer shorts and a t-shirt Radek had dropped by.

The door chimed just as Carson was putting the used towels and damp clothes in the washing hamper.

Holding his still damp, white coat over his arm he answered the door to Nurse Darla; mentally requesting the door to stay half closed so she wasn't able to see Rodney who was sitting on his bed across the room.

As the Nurse handed Carson a small plastic bag containing a pill he held her hand firmly, he took the pill and tucked it in the pocket of his sweat pants, with his free hand he took the wet razor and assortment of pills from his coat and placed them in her open hand.

Looking her directly in the eyes willing her to understand, “Take these please, and put them in my office,” he said quietly.

Nurse Darla looked down at the contents of her hand, said nothing, but nodded in silent acknowledgment and looked back up at Carson with an empathy borne of experience.

“I also need ye tae tell Dr Heightmyer that Rodney’s suffered an acute flashback episode and what I've prescribed.. I’m going tae ask him to speak tae her but I don’t think he will.”

Nurse Darla nodded again, “Certainly, I’ll inform her as soon as I get back. Do you need anything?”

“No lass, I’m fine. Now ye better get back tae the infirmary, they’ll be missin ye”

Carson could tell she wasn't convinced but as always, out of respect and understanding, she didn't push him on it.

Carson closed the door and went back over to Rodney, tossing his coat in the hamper, and sat next to him on the bed.

“I’m not talking to Kate,” Rodney stated stubbornly, staring down at his hands as his thumbs worried the towel.

“Do ye not think it might help ye Rodney?” Carson almost pleaded.

“I don’t want to talk to her,” Rodney repeated.

Carson let out a frustrated sigh, “Any particular reason why?”

Rodney lifted his head and stared at the wall opposite stubbornly, “She’s an incompetent idiot with as much insight into people’s behavior as a rock.”

Carson nodded to himself deciding this was not the right time to argue the issue, “That’s a wee bit unfair Rodney but I’m not goin' tae push ye on it for now.”

Rodney just clenched his jaw tighter and pulled at the towel he was still holding.

Looking sidelong at Rodney Carson gently asked, “Do ye know what triggered that, in there?”

He watched Rodney nervously chewed his bottom lip while contemplating his reply.

“I think…I think it was the water. There was.. there was water… in the corridor. We….” Rodney swallowed hard, “We were exploring one of the previously flooded areas subsequently it was still fairly damp….there was water dripping somewhere.”

Carson noticed Rodney’s breathing start to quicken, he put his arm across Rodney’s shoulders, “Okay, Rodney. Well, for our sake, ye can’t stop showerin',” Carson said trying to lighten the mood slightly and hopefully distract Rodney.

“What we need tae do is recognize triggers and learn tae ground ye'self, like with the music. When ye shower put the music on really loud so the sound of the water isn't so reminiscent of ..the incident.”

Rodney nodded. “I’m sorry about….you know…in there…”

Carson looked sadly at him, “Ye daft bugger,” he said fondly, “You’ve nothing to apologize for Rodney. I’m ye friend as well as ye Doctor. I’m here for whatever ye need.”

Carson squeezed his shoulder lightly as he stood and collected the bowl of soup handing it to Rodney, “I’m afraid it’s cold now but ye need tae eat something.”

While Rodney reluctantly ate his cold soup and roll, Carson quickly showered, dried and redressed ready for bed.

By the time he returned, Rodney had finished his soup and roll and was standing looking out the window.

Carson took the pill out of his pocket and handed it to Rodney with a bottle of water.

He watched as Rodney took the pill, hyper aware that a few weeks ago Rodney would have been demanding to know what the hell Carson was giving him.

Carson could feel exhaustion revving up a Migraine behind his eyes as he arranged the pillows.  
Pulling back the bed covers he said, “In ye get, Rodney, we both need tae get some rest.”

As Rodney maneuvered himself into one side of Carson’s double bed (one of the few on Atlantis), Carson settled himself on the opposite side and pulled the covers up over them both, “Try and sleep Rodney, but if ye need anything wake me.”

Carson mentally flipped the lights out and lay in the darkness

.

After a few moments Carson heard the brush of skin against pillow as Rodney turned his face towards him in the darkness, “Carson, thanks,” Rodney said quietly.

“No problem Rodney. We’ll get ye through this, I promise.” He heard Rodney turn silently away from him again.

Carson swallowed the lump in his throat and closed his eyes on the darkened room and if he felt the tear that escaped and slid down his cheek he didn't acknowledge it.


	7. Remorse

Rodney ambled down the dank Atlantean corridor, John’s reluctant footsteps splashing behind him, as he pondered the fluctuating readings on his data pad.

Life was good. For once they'd actually had time to relax this morning, making the most of their precious hours with lazy morning sex followed by, in Rodney’s opinion, an equally amazing breakfast of real bacon, pancakes and maple syrup.

On the way back from the mess Rodney had successfully, and rather skillfully he thought, managed to avoid Ronan’s indefatigable attempts to get him into sparring room.

Once they were back in John’s quarters Rodney had manage to persuade John, with a little stretching of the truth and pulling on the right strings, that a short exploration trip would be the perfect way to spend their day off.

So Rodney had neglected to mention they would be going to the Lower East Tower, which they had explored before, found nothing of any interest in at the time and been relieved to escape the rank air and saturated corridors.  
He had implied water and getting wet would be involved but again, just neglected to mention it would be of the stale smelly variety which, for once, Rodney was willing to overlook in the name of Scientific exploration.

It was also possible he had implied it would be exciting and thrilling and for Rodney it was, he just knew he was on to something big. This energy fluctuation in one of the far rooms had been bugging him since yesterday morning and it kept gnawing at his brain, distracting him.

It just so happened their first day off together in weeks was the only chance Rodney would have to investigate, hence the successful and what he considered totally justifiable subterfuge.

Yes, life was good.

They walked in silence, smudges of illumination lighting their way through the long maze of corridors which had been thankfully cleared of obstacles on their previous exploration, so they both were safe from tripping over anything but their own sodden feet.

With half a mind Rodney wished he’d thought to bring a nose plug as the smells of mold, stale sea water, and rotting alien marine life hung in the air like aromatic streamers.

“You know, we could be enjoying a cold beer out on the west pier or, I dunno doing something that stinks a little less like a Walrus puked on my boots for our day off?” John drawled laconically as he slouched through the corridor behind Rodney, hands stuffed deep in his pockets.

Rodney grinned over his shoulder at him, “And where would the fun be in that?”

John rolled his eyes, “Yeah, cause this is fun Rodney.” He stopped walking and waited to see how long it would take Rodney to realize he wasn't following him.

Rodney carried on a short distance down the corridor until he noticed the lack of splashing footsteps behind him and stopped. Turning he saw John unmoving, staring back at him from down the corridor.

“What? Why have you stopped?” he said looking utterly bemused at John’s lack of movement.

John sighed, his shoulders dropping and head falling forward in frustration, “Rodney,” he said looking up pleadingly. “Look, as fascinating as re-exploring the aromatically challenged corridors of the Lower East Tower are when we’re on duty, this is not what I thought you meant by exploring on our day off . Especially when we've had a week of; poison arrows, flesh eating amoebas, mud that burns and locals who think we’re the assassins of their Messiah and should be burnt in retribution,” his voice rising in pitch as recounted their past week.

“Well, if you hadn't ..” Rodney spluttered as the guilt of his subterfuge started to bedevil his conscious.

“Rodney!” John cut him off in exasperation before a patented McKay Tirade could start.

John closed the distance between them in a few long strides and stood so close Rodney could see the green tones in his eyes even in the dim light.

Taking a deep breath John tried to stop his frustration and disappointment escalating into anger, not wanting to ruin their day any more than it already had been.

“Look, Rodney. This is not what I thought you meant and you know it,” he said with practiced patience, “We get precious little time alone together these days. I just wanna spend it with you in bed or doing something normal couples do, like a picnic! Not snooping around in a crappy, damp corridor we explored two weeks ago and found nothing in. Okay?”

“A Picnic?” Rodney said incredulously.

Letting out a growl John turned away from Rodney in frustration.

“But now there’s an energy reading …...,” Rodney started to explain as if it would negated John’s point.

John turned back to Rodney studying the face of the man he loved more than life itself and willed him to understand, “There’s always something Rodney and I understand. Really I do, but this is our day off,” John implored as he cupped Rodney’s cheek and gently stroked a thumb over his cheek bone. Leaning in he kissed Rodney with a slow, intense passion that nurtured a small moan from Rodney, gently dragging at the plump if slightly slanted lower lip as he reluctantly ended the kiss and looked deep into trusting, intelligent blue eyes, “I love ya Buddy but I’m not doing this.”

Their eyes still locked intensely, Rodney could feel the effects of John’s kiss seeping slowly through his whole body as he watched John backup a few paces, then turn and walk back down the corridor the way they had come.

Fear and insecurity crunched Rodney’s stomach muscles as John’s words leached into his brain, “Are you breaking up with me?” he desperately called at John’s back.

Stopping abruptly John did an about-face; it pained him that even after years Rodney still seemed insecure about their relationship. “Buddy, that’s not gonna happen,” he said softly hoping Rodney could hear the sincere honesty in his voice.

Throwing his arms out either side of himself, indicating the corridor, and dropping them to his sides again. “This Rodney, I’m not doing this,” John reassured.  
“C’mon,” he encouraged, “let’s go out, get some fresh air, a couple of beers and make-out like teenagers.”

John turned back, trusting Rodney would follow as he disappeared around the corner of the corridor.

Rodney stood relieved for a few seconds and wondered when he would stop expecting John to come to his senses and realize he wasn't worth all the hassle. He shook his head, smiled fondly to himself and set off down the corridor after John.

Suddenly the ear splitting retort of a P-14 Pistol tore its way up through the corridor and made Rodney jump out of his skin, his data pad clattering and splashing to the floor.

Instantly terror screamed through every atom of Rodney’s body as he ran towards the shots, the only thought in his head, we didn't bring any guns.

His heart pounding hard Rodney rounded the corner to see a Corporal standing in front of John with his gun raised and Rodney felt the bottom drop out of his world.

John was already staggering backwards as the Corporal fired two more shots. Rodney flinched and heard himself scream NO as John recoiled with the impact again and stumbled back landing hard on his ass as he collapsed.

Rodney heard another shot as the side of the Corporal’s head exploded outwards, brain matter and bone fragments hitting the corridor wall. The lifeless stranger slumped forward and hit the soaked corridor floor with a sickening wet thud.

Rodney could feel his body shaking as he stared, frozen, at the nightmarish scene laid out before him.

The scuff of John’s boot as his leg straightened limply to the wet floor startled Rodney out of his shock.

Reflexively moving and dropping to John’s side he tapped his ear-bud with a trembling hand to the emergency channel. “Medical Emergency. Shots fired, Lower East Tower, corridor three, assailant dead, John’s been hit, get a med team here NOW!” he shouted numbly.

“John, it’s going to be alright.” Rodney could hear his voice break as his shaking hands tried to staunch the flow of bright red blood streaming from the mess of bullet wounds on the left side of John’s torso and stomach.

A voice in his ear was calling him but Rodney ignored it, concentrating on John, applying pressure to the wounds and holding back a cry of dismay at amount of blood running over his hands.

Rodney watched as John swallowed hard and the agony ripped across his face bringing tears to his hazel eyes, “It’s bad Rodney,” John choked, his words frayed with pain.

Rodney shook his head in denial, “Shut up, you’re going to be fine.”

John grimaced then gave a weak smiled with blue tinged lips. “Now you’re an optimist?”

Rodney watched helplessly as John’s jaw tensed in pain followed rapidly by the rest of his muscles as he let out a distressing strangled cry through tightly clenched teeth.

Rodney’s insides twisted sharply in fear and his heart shattered a little as he felt John’s taut body lift in agony, the blood flow increase through his fingers and the sound of another pained cry.

John desperately grabbed Rodney’s wrist, squeezing tightly, swallowing through the pain “Love you...”

“I love you John, don’t do this, please, I need you,” Rodney begged desperately noticing the film of clammy sweat on John’s pallid skin.

Rodney felt John's grip on his wrist loosen slightly.

“You’ll.....be..... okay, Rodney,” John gasped his breathing hitching, eyes squeezed shut in agony as his hand dropped limply from Rodney’s wrist.

“John?”

John’s eyes flicked to Rodney’s and in that split second Rodney could see the overwhelmingly incalculable love but also the sorrow, regret and anger at the lost years they would have had together burning in intimately familiar hazel eyes.

Underneath his hands, slippery and sticky with blood, Rodney felt John’s shallow breaths getting sharper and farther apart.

John’s lips moved, as if to say something, then froze and relaxed and Rodney watched the life leave his eyes.

“NO!JOHN NO!”

“Nonononono”

~*~

“RODNEY!” Carson’s voice boomed in his ear.

Rodney’s wet eyes snapped open to the dimly lit room, his breathing stuttering and the sweat cooling on his skin.

Carson was leaning over Rodney, shaking him gently by his shoulder. “You were having a nightmare lad.”

“But……….. it was real wasn't it? John’s.....gone?” Rodney said flatly as the pain and loss slammed into him once again making it hard to breath..

He looked up at Carson with pleading eyes, praying to Gods he didn't believe in and willing Carson to deny it with every fiber of his being.

“I’m sorry son.” Carson softly rubbed his shoulder comfortingly as the silence stretched out between them.

Rodney let out a shallow, shaky sigh and turning his face away from Carson he said quietly into the shadows, “He didn't want to be there.”

Carson sat back and rested against the headboard, watching his friend with concern. “What d’ye mean Rodney, who didn't want tae be where?”

There was another long silence, with only the gentle hum of the environmental controls to be heard and Carson’s hope that Rodney may confide in him started to falter.

Rodney swallowed audibly past the lump in his throat, “John….he didn't want to be down in the corridors. I knew he wouldn't want to go there on our day off. We’d had a hellacious week, but I wanted to check some stupid readings. So…I manipulated him into going. Pushed all the right buttons. Told him we’d go exploring. We’d go somewhere exciting. I knew by the time he realized, it would be too late, we’d be there and I’d have time to, you know, do my thing. Selfish! So fucking selfish.” Rodney squeezed his hand into a fist hard, trying to crush the anger he could feel boiling under the surface.

“If we’d not been there, so far away and isolated ….” Rodney left the acrid words hanging in the air accusingly.

Carson considered his words carefully, not wanting to add to the pain his friend was already in but wanting to also be honest, “John’s wounds were fatal, Rodney, there’s nothin' that could have been done had we gotten there any sooner. It wasn't your fault.”

“Rodney,” Carson continued calmly, “Corporal Morgan would have found John that day where ever you’d been. Whatever the man’s motives where, he was determined tae carry out his plans. No one was going tae get in his way and no one had any idea what he was up tae. Tae him, John was an obsession and for the Corporal, that day held some sort of significance we’ll maybe never know of. He was a very sick man, Rodney.”

Rodney turned away from Carson and curled on his side into a fetal position.

When he spoke Rodney’s voice was dangerously quiet. “I don’t give a damn how sick he was! What the fuck’s Heightmyer here for if she can’t spot the wacko’s. John’s dead because she can’t do her job and let some nut-case loose in the city.”

“That’s a wee bit unfair Rodney. Kate...” Carson started to try and reason but Rodney turned over and sat bolt upright, silencing Carson with an furious stare.

“She,” Rodney spat bitterly, his finger stabbing accusingly, “is supposed to be responsible for the mental well-being of everyone on this base. Well, I think she dropped the ball with Corporal Morgan, wouldn't you say, Carson and John paid the price for her monumental incompetence.” Rodney was breathing hard, he could feel the rage and hate coursing through his veins like fire, “Keep her away from me, Carson because I swear, I will not be held responsible for my actions if you don’t.” Rodney whipped back the bed covers, got up and started pulling his boots on.

“What are ye doing Rodney?”

“I need a walk,” he replied curtly and jerked a bathrobe on over his boxer-shorts and t-shirt.

“Where are ye going tae?” Carson asked tiredly.

“I don’t know Carson!” Rodney practically shouted in exasperation and stormed out the door.

Carson let his head fall back hard against the headboard, frustration and exhaustion pushing him towards the very edge of his patience and tolerance.

Picking up his radio he placed it on his ear again, “Beckett tae Zelenka.”

“Yes. Yes. I’m here,” came the sleepy response from the Czech.

“Radek, I’m really sorry tae wake you lad but Rodney’s gone AWOL.”

“You want me to keep an eye him?”

“If you wouldn't mind? He had a nightmare, then let off some steam but he was pretty riled up when he left and I think me going after him would just make matters worse. I’d feel better knowing someone’s looking out for him but tae be honest if I don’t get some sleep soon I’ll be no use tae anyone”

“It’s no problem Carson. I will watch over him, you sleep.”

“It’s very much appreciated Radek but if you need me don’t hesitate at all. Beckett out.”

Carson slid down the bed in relief. Assured that Rodney was in safe hands he pulled the covers over himself.

Just for a few minutes he tried not to think about the mess that his best friend was in or how the hell he was going to help him.


	8. The Storm

Rodney, stormed aimlessly down the darkened corridor, incandescent ire blinding him to his surroundings. 

Every muscle in his body was piano wire taut, his breathing heaving and shaking with rage. 

IF IF IF!

IF he hadn't persuaded John to go to the corridors. If he hadn't let John walk off on his own. If they'd worn their uniforms, vests and guns on their day off. If Heightmeyer had done her job accordingly. If someone had spotted Corporal Morgan on his way to find John and questioned him. If they'd had some ancient device which could have healed John. IF IF IF! 

He wanted to scream his fury, release it physically from his body and let it destroy everything that dared to come near him, like a tornado ripping apart anything unfortunate enough to be in its path.

John had been ripped from his world leaving a gaping, frayed wound which kept tearing wider and wider and he couldn't hold the pieces together long enough to heal, no matter how hard he tried.

The pain was too much, he could feel it crawling under his skin burrowing deep into his body, eating him from the inside out, clawing at the most tender parts of his soul.

He'd taken so much for granted and cherished so little. 

He realized now he'd always been waiting for John to come to his senses and leave him.   
  
Rodney had stopped he didn't know when, but he was standing still, white hot anger surging through his body.

As his vision cleared Rodney recognized he was standing in his lab and laughed bitterly to himself. This had once been his place of refuge where he would come to lose himself and shut out the problems and people bombarding him.   
Now, it mocked him. He was unable to concentrate long enough to make sense of what he was doing, let alone perform complex equations without effort and solve the unsolvable problems the city used to deal him daily.

Like everything else in his life now it was all pointless, useless to him. 

Rodney picked up his stool with one hand, holding it by the steel leg, measuring its weight and feel. He held on to the bottom of two steel legs firmly and swung it above his head. With a thunderous roar he brought it smashing down on his computer; sparks, plastic and circuitry flying in all directions. Rodney bellowed another roar as he swept the stool across the table top shattering delicate equipment and sending their remains flying. 

Whirling around Rodney impaled the seat of the stool into the delicate cabinet doors hanging on the wall, making a satisfying crash as glass rained to the floor.   
Rodney extracted the stool from the cupboard door and arced for another swing only to find something stopping its decent, turning he saw a startled and scared looking Radek holding on tightly to one of the steel legs.

“Rodney,” Radek said in a calm, low voice.  “Put the stool down....” 

Rodney blinked blankly at Radek.

“Please my friend....you are scaring me..,” Radek implored. 

“Then leave,” Rodney replied coldly and used the stool to push Radek back out towards the door and turned back to his task.

Radek stumbled back and collided into the chest of Evan Lorne who was running into the lab. Evan grabbed Radek’s biceps stopping him from toppling forwards onto the floor.   
“Go get Carson,” Evan said urgently as he pushed Radek out the door of the lab to safety.

Evan darted over before Rodney could register his presence and braced his arms around Rodney’s upper arms and chest effectively pinning him in place, the stool clattered to the floor. Rodney roared and thrashed so Evan held him tighter.

“Stop it Mer,” Evan ordered as he struggled against Rodney to keep him restrained. “Mer! STOP! For god’s sake calm down!” Evan could feel Rodney’s chest heaving from the effects of his rampage and the effort to breath against his tightly clasped forearms. Evan rested his face against the side of Rodney’s head. “Please Mer. You’re gonna to hurt yourself. Please.”   
Evan felt Rodney’s muscles relax slightly. “Please,” he implored, his lips brushing a tattoo of words against Rodney’s skin. Slowly he felt Rodney’s body sag into his arms in defeat, the fight then leaving him all at once. 

If Evan hadn't been holding so tightly he was sure Rodney would have collapsed to the floor. 

Supporting Rodney, Evan backed them away from the broken glass and debris strewn around and lowered them both to a clear part of the floor.  
Kneeling behind Rodney and keeping his arms firmly around his distraught friend Evan gently rocked them both. “Hey, you’re okay, it’s okay, I've got you,” he whispered into Rodney’s sweat dampened hair.

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t even remember coming here,” Rodney sobbed quietly. “I’m a fucking mess.”

Still rocking them both, Evan moved one arm to cradle Rodney’s head against his chest, gently kissed the top of his head and rested his cheek where his kiss lay.

“I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to feel anymore. ….I just.....want it to stop.....please...make it stop.”

Evan squeezed his eyes shut against his own tears, felt his heart break a little and that cold snake of fear once again coiling in his stomach at Rodney’s plea.

“I don’t know how to make it stop, Mer but I’m not going to let you go. I won’t let you slip away I promise.”

Evan could hear footsteps running down the corridor and come to an abrupt halt in the doorway to the lab. He could hear Carson and Radek behind him, they must have run all the way from Carson’s quarters.

Evan raised his head to look at Carson’s worried face and gently nodded at him to join them.

Carson, still dressed in his night clothes carrying his emergency medical kit, carefully picked his way across the floor to crouched beside Evan and Rodney.

“You’re determined not to let me sleep tonight aren't ye lad,” Carson smiled kindly as he gently joked. “Are ye hurt anywhere lad?”

Rodney shook his head in the negative.

“I may have bruised him, Doc when I was trying to restrain him,” Evan admitted worriedly.

“Aye that’s a possibility; we’ll have a look later. Well! It’s a wee bit of a mess in here so what do ye say we move tae some place more comfortable Rodney and I can take a proper look at ye.”

Rodney wordlessly let Evan and Carson help him up out of the trashed lab and into the corridor where Radek was waiting. 

Radek locked the door to Rodney’s lab behind them and they all took the short trip to the infirmary in silence.

  



	9. When Push comes to Shove.

Czech Words used-

Promiňte - I’m sorry

Anon - yes

Zastvit - Stop

Carson checked Rodney’s respirator and cardiac monitor once more, silently admitting to himself there was nothing more he could do for his friend but to relinquish care into the capable hands of his nurses.

When Carson entered his office a few moments later he found Radek leaning against the wall, his arms folded anxiously and Evan sitting perched on the front of his utilitarian desk waiting expectantly. “I've sedated him for a while,” Carson advised, exhaustion making his accent thick. ”He’ll need tae rest. No significant physical injuries, a few nicks and wee amount of bruising where he struggled.”

Carson extracted three glasses and his bottle of Talisker 10 Year Old Scotch from his drawer and thumped them down on his desk, anger at himself making his actions sharp and clumsy as he poured three drams.

“I Should’nae have let him go off on his own like that.” Carson slammed the desk drawer shut and locked the precious bottle away. “What in God’s name was I thinking,” he chided handing the glasses round.

“Doc, don’t be so hard on yourself,” Evan consoled as he sipped the smoky warm liquid with appreciation. “You did all you could. No one is going to blame you for needing to sleep.”

“If anyone is to blame Carson it is me,” Radek sighed regretfully, fatigue making his speech rapid and his r’s roll more heavily than normal. “I was the one looking out for Rodney. I was just monitoring him remotely. It is I who should have known better. Promiňte”

Evan shook his head in frustration. “Guys, it’s no one's fault. We’re doing the best we can. At least he’s not physically hurt. He’s just …..falling apart quicker than any of us imagined.”

Radek snorted, amused, “Typical of Rodney, really.”

They all smiled a little sadly, sipping their drinks in a silent toast to a myriad of memories; of countless times the rambunctious scientist had surprised them with the unexpected or saved their collective asses by achieving the impossible or given them a glimpse of a caring heart which he normally cloaked behind waspish words.

Radek cleared his throat and rolled the cool cut glass in his fingers, watching the amber liquid glide gracefully around the tumbler. “I do not mean to be the annoying realist here but what are we going to tell Elizabeth? What happened in the lab will be hard to conceal considering the amount of damage and Rodney is sedated in the Infirmary? She is already implying I may have to take on the CSO position in a more permanent capacity. You do not think she is considering sending Rodney back to Earth?” he asked worriedly.

“Actually, Elizabeth has already asked me about that,” Carson said looking slightly guilty.

Evan raised his head sharply, looking at Carson dubiously. “What did you tell her?”

Carson felt the embers of his anger flare. “I gave Elizabeth my honest opinion, that at the time, it would’nae have been in Rodney’s best interest tae send him back tae Earth. That he considers Atlantis his home and it’s his last connection tae John. Although after tonight I’m starting tae doubt my assessment.”

“You can’t seriously mean that?!” Evan said appalled, standing up from where he had been perched on Carson’s desk. “Mer has more family here than he does on Earth. We’re in a better position to understand what he’s going through and help.”

“Aye, I agree tae a certain extent.” Carson’s voice rose as he tried to sustain the tenuous grip he now had on his temper. “But, we should start tae consider the fact the constant reminder of what happened here is maybe making him worse.”

“So what, Doc? We cut him off from the people he considers family, the only place he’s ever considered as home, exile him to Earth and more than likely the concrete bunker of the SGC infirmary? How the hell is that going to help him?” Evan voice intensified in competition with Carson’s, angry disgust lacing his words as his emotions got the better of him.

The tension in the air crackled, tinder dry, waiting for a spark to ignite it and burn out of control.

Carson searched Evan’s face with cold hard accusing eyes. “Oh aye, and you've no ulterior motive for keepin Rodney on Atlantis have ye?” Carson said slowly and deliberately accusing.

“Jesus!” Evan’s anger exploded. “You seriously believe I’m that selfish? Goddammit, you bastard!” Evan turned away, one hand griping his hip hard the other running frustratedly through his short hair and down the back of his neck.

“Are ye tellin' me I’m wrong then?” Carson countered, daring Evan to deny it.

Evan swung round to face him, anger coursing through his veins like a flame to a fuse and jabbed his finger at Carson. “If we let him go, Carson, we are going to lose him!” he shouted back ignoring Carson’s insinuation.

“Zastavit!” Radek shouted above their escalating voices, holding out his hands in supplication, he looked at them both with despair. “We are all upset and beyond tired; arguing with each other is not going to help Rodney,” he reasoned, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

Evan tried to steady his breathing, focusing on his boots, making an effort to control his anger and fear. “He is going to try to kill himself!” he said slowly with calculated calm.

Carson closed his eyes and shook his head as if trying to keep Evan’s words from penetrating his ears.

“You’re right Radek, I can’nea deal with this right now. I’m far too exhausted, I need tae sleep.” He turned to Evan sheepishly. “I’m sorry Colonel, I’m talkin' gibberish. I didn't mean what I said.”

“I did Doc,” Evan said flatly holding Carson’s stare. “I can feel it in my gut and see it in his eyes. He’s so close to giving up. He needs us. All of us. You can’t send him back; you can’t let them send him back.”

“I know!” Carson admitted quietly. “Do ye not think, as his Doctor, I know the risk he is tae himself right now? I just....feel a wee bit off my game at the moment..”

Carson pushed the heels of his hands against his eyes, briefly relieving the pressure he could feel building there again, then looked at his friends, dismay laying a veil over his normally jovial features.

“I feel like I let him down and it scares me tae death that until Evan here bought it tae my attention, after the outburst at the meeting, I did’nae see how close tae the edge Rodney was.” Carson shook his head in despair. “ I knew he was depressed and having a hard time of it but I did’nae realize how bad he was and I should of,” Carson confessed as he collapsed into his desk chair.

“Can we not persuade him that seeing Kate would be in his best interests?” Radek asked sympathetically.

“Not bloody likely,” Carson laughed humorlessly. “There’s no way on God’s green Earth Rodney will agree tae see Kate, he holds her partly responsible for John’s death.”

“What?” Radek and Evan exclaimed in unison.

Carson sighed tiredly. “He’s convinced that Kate should have been able tae spot something in Corporal Morgan’s behavior and stopped him before anything happened.”

“Maybe he’s got a point, she performed his last psych eval and gave him the all clear,” Evan shrugged.

“Evan, Corporal Morgan could have been in perfectly good mental health for his last eval, it was taken only two weeks after he arrived on Atlantis. It looks like his break with reality happened somewhere in the last couple of months before the incident and probably as a result of migration to Atlantis and the stresses and trauma this galaxy puts on everyone. A couple of different people in his unit had noticed some odd behavior, as did one of the kitchen staff but no one reported it.  
Personally I think we've been very lucky not tae have had more cases of people bucklin' under the stressful conditions we’re in here, especially that first year.”

“The tragedy of the thing is, the Corporal was due for his next psych evaluation a week after the incident.” The poignancy of Carson’s words lay a blanket of grief and regret over the room and they all sat in silence.

Breaking the silence Radek asked soberly. “Has anyone asked Rodney what he would like to do?”

“No, but I have a feeling Rodney doesn't know or care what’s best for himself at the moment,” Evan stated sadly.

“We will look after him. He is our friend and has saved our lives many times over,” Radek said earnestly. “We will make sure he is taken care of, support him and do whatever we must to keep him here if that’s what he wants. We owe it to him and we owe it to John.”

Carson and Evan nodded resolutely and raised their glasses in agreement.

“We need to be clear here, anon.” Radek looked at them both seriously, “We are purposefully going to withhold information from Elizabeth and cover for Rodney, if anything goes wrong or it is discovered what we are doing and why, it could not only cost us our jobs but it will have repercussions for Rodney as well.”

“If Rodney wants to stay here I can’t see we have much of a choice, I’m pretty sure Elizabeth would be obligated to send him back to Earth if I told her about tonight,” Carson said regrettably, “and as you said, we owe Rodney more than we can ever give back.”

“Hell yeah to that!” Evan swallowed down the rest of the peppery liquid and laid his empty glass on the table, “Look, I've at least had some sleep so you guys go rest. I’ll make sure I’m around when he wakes up and just see if I can talk to him.”

“I've locked the door to Rodney’s lab so no one is getting in there without my knowledge. I will do what I can to the mess with as few people finding out as possible,” Radek promised.

Carson nodded. “Aye, less fodder for tattle the better. Right well, he’ll be sedated for a wee while. I suggest we get some rest, cause I cannae even think straight anymore. We’ll set about clearing up and seein' what kind of state Rodney is in later. Make no mistake lads this is goin' to be a rough road. I’ll tell Elizabeth as little as possible for now.”

“I _am_ going to sit with him Doc,” Evan said in a tone which told Carson he wasn't going to dissuade the Colonel from his intent.

“As you wish Colonel,” Carson sighed as he opened the door to his office.

“Goodnight my friends,” Radek nodded as he took his leave.

Carson locked his office door behind them and watched Evan as he quietly took a seat beside Rodney, settling his forearms on his knees and lacing his fingers together to hang loosely.

Sighing heavily as he left the infirmary to return to his bed, Carson still felt awful about accusing Evan of having ulterior motives behind his concerns for Rodney, but he couldn't help but wondered actually how objective the Colonel could be all things considered.

He knew Evan had never really stopped loving the man whose bedside he now sat vigil at. He had spent many a late night consoling Evan over his broken heart and knew his friend was more than likely heading straight into an emotionally tumultuous involvement which would ultimately end in more heartache for him. Carson knew it was already too late to stop it, the only thing he could do was try and be there if and when his friend needed it.


	10. What's Simple Is True.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from the song What's Simple is True by Jewel

Evan fussed with a loose thread which was trying to escape the bland stone colored blanket covering Rodney’s thighs.

Around lunch time, Stackhouse had surreptitiously dropped off some requisition orders and food. Evan had eaten his nearly-ham sandwich without tasting it and spent a couple of hours signing off orders which now lay forgotten in a neat pile on the bedside cabinet.

A symphony of the infirmary daily routines played out around Evan as he now sat with nothing but his warring emotions to distract him, while he thankfully watched Rodney sleep peacefully, even if it was drug induced.

His back was aching and his ass was numb from sitting in the hard, plastic infirmary chair for so long and he knew he’d be paying for it tomorrow morning but there was no where else he wanted to be. He needed to be here.

Evan was all too aware, his need stemmed from feelings he had pushed aside years ago. They had been carefully stuffed into a metaphorical box and symbolically tucked away in a corner of his heart when the man he loved had fallen for the CO he respected more than any other before him.

The old cliche was spot on, he mused, if you loved someone enough you let them go. It was the hardest thing Evan had ever committed himself to, but he knew it had been the right thing to do.

It still hadn't made working so closely with Rodney any easier; there had been tense times when frayed emotions and bruised feelings lead them both to snark bitterly at each other.  
Ultimately though, Evan had watched with a sting of jealousy as Rodney flourished in his relationship with John. He'd taken a strange kind of comfort in knowing John was a good man who would have loved Rodney without reserve, never would have hurt him purposely and was, above all, the man Rodney had been so completely in love with.

After the sacrifices Evan had made, Carson’s words the night before, implying he would take advantage of Rodney’s vulnerability for his own selfish reasons, had angered and cut him deeply, why would his friend even think that?

Evan could admit, to himself at least, he was still in love with his ex and Rodney’s recent anguish had torn open his carefully constructed box and all those painstakingly repressed feelings and emotions had cascaded out, but he'd always done what he thought was best for Rodney precisely because he did love him, it was that simple and that complicated. Evan didn't expect anything in return from Rodney but he couldn't pretend not to care for the man when Rodney was so lost and in pain.

A nurse bustled over to Rodney’s bedside; shot a quick, friendly smile in Evan’s direction while she deftly made adjustments to IV’s, checked monitors then informed him in a honey smooth Southern drawl, “Dr. McKay will be comin’ ‘round soon, he’ll be a little groggy at first. Dr. Beckett will be by to check on him shortly.”

“Thanks,” he smiled and nodded in acknowledgment as she left.

Evan gently took Rodney’s hand; stroking the pad of his thumb softly over the small patch of skin not shielded by the dressing which covered the cannula. He felt the bittersweet embers of affection catch and burn in his chest as he pushed gently at the golden hairs on Rodney’s wrist and caressed softly over the beginnings of a purplish bruise blossoming from underneath the dressing, trying not to remember how those same hands had bestowed soft caresses over heated skin in the middle of passionate nights long ago.

“Afternoon Colonel!” Carson startled him out of his reverie with his chipper greeting.

Evan felt his cheeks flush and blinked up at Carson who was standing on the other side of the bed smiling as he drew the privacy curtain back around behind him.

“Hey, Doc, I take it you got some sleep in the end?” he asked as he carefully replaced Rodney’s hand on the bed.

“Aye, thank heavens. I was’nae quite myself there at one point.” Carson admitted with a hint of shame. “I can only apologize again Colonel.”

“I think we were all feeling the strain by that point, Doc but thanks,” Evan replied diplomatically but his smile didn't reach his eyes.

Regret clawed at Carson as he watched his friend hide behind a well-rehearsed mask but resolved now was not the time or place to address it. “Well, I think sleeping beauty here is rousing,” he continued as Rodney’s head moved slightly towards the sound of their voices. “That’s right lad, time tae wake up for us now,” Carson encouraged as he raised Rodney’s bed into a comfortable sitting position.

Evan poured fresh water from the bedside jug into a cup with a straw and held it in anticipation, waiting for Rodney to come around.

Rodney tried to open his eyes but finally gave up and shut them again against the harsh light. There was someone sitting next to him, _John? Oh... no.... it won’t be John, it’ll never be John again_ , he thought as the cold weight of realization slammed into him again and permeated his body down to the bone and burrowed into his very soul. He tried to swallow dryly past the lump in his throat and found his lips stuck together when he went to ask for water. Suddenly, he felt a plastic straw carefully tucked between his dry lips and heard a voice at his side say, “Small sips, Mer.” _Ahhh!_ It was Evan.

Rodney’s eyes were gradually opening again and adjusting to the relatively bright infirmary lights, he could just make out Carson’s stocky figure fiddling with the monitors and Evan leaning over the bedside holding a plastic cup with a blue straw.

After Carson had checked Rodney’s vitals, removed the cannula and asked him a few brief questions he said, “Right, Rodney. I've got a few things which need me seeing tae them today so, I was goin' to ask Colonel Lorne here tae keep you company, if neither of you have objection?' He raised his eyebrows in query at the both of them and they shook their heads in acquiesce. “Right then, but we do need a wee chat later.” He looked pointedly at Rodney.

“Yes, fine Carson,” Rodney agreed impatiently rolling his sore eyes.

There was a awkwardly polite cough from outside their little fabricated room and they all looked towards the privacy curtain from behind which Dr Adams’ voice followed. “Um? Dr Beckett? If you’re nearly finished we’re waiting for you in exam room three?”

“Aye lad, hold your horses I’ll be there shortly,” Carson said as he turned back to Rodney and Evan with an apologetic smile. “If either of ye needs me, you’re not tae hesitate okay?” They both nodded silently at him and figuring that was all he would get from them for the moment, Carson left the cubicle closing the curtain firmly behind him.

The silence he left behind stretched out awkwardly. Evan realized he was nervously playing with the blue straw in the cup so he placed it carefully back on the bedside table and laced his fingers together resting his forearms on his knees.

“I lost count of the times I sat beside John waiting for him to wake up,” Rodney said breaking the silence and looked at him knowingly.

Evan again felt his cheeks flush slightly and dropped his head allowing him seconds to compose himself before looking up into those achingly sad, perceptive blue eyes. “I can leave if you want me to?” he offered reluctantly.

Rodney pulled his eyes away from the pain and sympathy he saw in Evan’s and resolutely stared at the curtain in front of him. “No. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it but I’m sure you've got better things to do than babysit me,” he reasoned.

“Mer, you know there’s nothing more..” Evan started but he caught the way Rodney’s jaw tensed and stopped, bowing his head again so he could hide the hurt he was sure was showing.

They’d always been able to see straight through each other, some things never changed. “How you feeling now?” he asked instead, looking back up when he was sure his emotions were in check.

“Nauseous,” Rodney replied flatly.

There was a long pause as Evan waited for him to continue. “Every time I wake up, there’s a nanosecond when I don’t remember. When everything is the way it ought to be. Then every last horrific detail comes crashing back and I remember John isn't here, that when I turn my head on the pillow he won’t ever be next to me doing that half snore, half snuffle he always denied doing.” Rodney smiled fondly as he choked around the words, his eyes blinked rapidly and skipped around the room trying to out manoeuvre the tears building there. “And.... I feel so sick..... it hurts so much I feel physically sick.” He closed his eyes as the tears he'd tried to keep back escaped, leaving traitorous tracks down his cheeks.

Rodney took a deep shuddering breath and attempted to gain control of his emotions. “I don’t want to cry anymore.”

“There’s nothing wrong with crying Mer,” Evan said, resisting his natural instinct to take Rodney’s hand again in comfort.

“It makes me feel weak and more pathetic than I already am,” Rodney spat, swiping away his tears angrily.

“You’re not weak or pathetic,” Evan allayed. “You’re ill and you’re grieving, you've gotta give yourself a break. You’re stronger than you think, Mer, I don’t think I’d have made it this far.”

“Believe me, there’s times I wish I hadn't,” Rodney said blankly. “I wish that bastard had shot me too.”

“Don’t!” Evan said with more vehemence than he intended and this time he gave into his instinct and held Rodney’s hand in both of his, “Don’t. Don’t ever talk like that,” he repeated more softly.

Rodney squeezed his hand in apology as he turned his head on the pillow to look at Evan and said quietly, “Ev, I feel like something integral to my existence has been ripped from me, everything I ever wanted has gone, everything that gave my life meaning has been taken away, I don’t know who I am any more, I can feel myself spinning out of control and I don’t know how to stop it before I hit a wall.”

Evan looked away from the blue eyes staring at him full of fear, anguish, desolation, and exhaustion and looked down at the bruised hand he was holding instead. “Do you want to go back to Earth?” he asked quietly.

Rodney was quiet for so long Evan looked up expecting to find him sleeping, instead he was staring at the curtained wall in front of him, silent tears rolling down his cheeks.

Evan stood up quickly, still holding Rodney’s hand in one of his and lent over Rodney to wipe the tears from his cheeks with his other hand. “Hey, Mer. It’s okay, shhh,” he gentled as he cupped Rodney’s cheek with his hand and stroked the tears away with his thumb. Rodney just squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head silently as more tears flowed.

Evan carefully sat with one leg dangling off the side of Rodney’s bed, the other on the floor supporting his weight and gently pulled Rodney up into his arms. He felt Rodney's arms wrap around his waist and a cheek rest on his shoulder, Evan ran one hand up and down Rodney's back soothingly and held his head to his shoulder.

Now ensconced in the relative calm of the infirmary and not the chaos of the trashed lab’ or an abandoned meeting Evan noticed, as he smoothed his hand slowly up and down his ex lovers back, just how much weight Rodney had lost. Where Rodney had once been nicely soft and subtly shaped with muscle Evan could feel skin and hard bone, he felt so fragile in his arms and that was a word he never thought he'd associate with Rodney. It made his throat even tighter and he struggled to not let the painful emotions overwhelm him.

“They’re going to send me back aren't they.” Rodney spoke quietly into Evan’s shoulder his voice insecure, full of fear and doubt.

Evan felt a powerful wave of protective emotion crash through him hard and he tightened his arms gently around Rodney, he kissed his hair and spoke into the baby soft wisps. “No. Not if you don’t want to go. We've already talked about it; me, Carson and Radek, we’ll sort something out. You don’t have to worry about it.”

“I want to stay but they've no reason to keep me. I don’t want to live anywhere else. Atlantis is my home.” As the words rushed out Rodney felt panic rising.

“I know baby,” Evan whispered trying to sooth him.

“You won’t let them send me back?” Rodney asked in a voice that fluttered with worry and hope.

“Not if you don’t want to go, no,” Evan said.

“You promise?” Rodney beseeched quietly.

“I promise, Mer,” Evan said with conviction.

“Okay,” Rodney whispered.

After a few moments, Rodney took a deep steadying breath and sat back stiffly. “Do I have any clothes here?”

“Only what you had on last night.” Evan nodded in the direction of the orderly folded t-shirt, bathrobe and boots.

“That’ll have to do then I suppose,” Rodney sighed, then hesitated. “We could stop by my place and pick something up?”

“Sure.” Evan got up and went over to the pile of clothes sitting atop the cabinet. “You want to put any of these on now?” He asked holding up the pile.

“I’ll just use the robe,” Rodney answered.

Evan helped Rodney up off the bed and into the robe.

In one hand Evan held the rest of Rodney’s clothes, he placed his other on the small of Rodney’s back and guided him out of the infirmary and into the corridors of Atlantis.


	11. Not As We

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from the song; Not As We by Alanis Morissette

Rodney stood staring at the door to his room. He could feel Evan waiting patiently silent behind him; a warm comforting hand still resting on the small of his back.

He had barely been back to his room in weeks. If he slept, it was in John’s room, on their bed, surrounded by the vestiges of John which offered him more comfort and peace than anything else did, but Carson had put a stop to that.

Rodney realized, now that he was standing here, what lay behind this door was his life without John; a life he didn't want, a life he didn't chose, a life that was painful in ways he had never imagined possible. He could feel the panic bubbling violently in his stomach.

“I can’t,” Rodney said, taking a step back from the door and into Evan’s chest.

Evan laid a steadying hand on Rodney’s waist. “You can, Mer, it won’t be easy but you need to do this.”

Evan gently took Rodney’s trembling hand and when he encountered no resistance, waved it in front of the door crystals.

The door slid open and the musty smell of a neglected room wafted out as they stepped over the threshold, where Rodney froze again, the only noise was the familiar hum of the environmental controls as they re-started.

For all intents and purposes, on first glance, it looked like a room which had been frozen in time.  
The lives of its inhabitants were told in the small innocuous details. The bed was neatly made with military sharp corners, a pile of immaculately folded clean washing sitting at the foot of the bed with a power bar and a post-it note on top.  
Hung neatly over the back of the desk chair was a black leather, Mandarin collar jacket with a Star Spangled Banner patch adorning one arm and its Canadian counterpart slung casually over the seat of the same chair. A half-finished chess game on the desk was accompanied by two empty bottles of beer, along with a plate sprinkled with left over chocolate cake crumbs and two spoons with frosting now welded to the surface.  
On the bedside table lay a dog eared copy of War and Peace next to which was a discarded torn foil Durex wrapper.

Evan took a deep breath and walked into the room and over to the chest of drawers, leaving Rodney still standing in the doorway.

Evan pulled open the top drawer, determinedly ignoring the few pairs of military issue briefs and picked out a generous assortment of boxers and socks and placed them in a pile on top of the drawers.

Moving to the wardrobe he rummaged through, ignoring the science blue uniforms, instead picking out long and short sleeve t-shirts, jeans and sweat pants, laying them over one arm as he collected them up.

“Do you wanna take a jacket?” Evan asked as he turned back to find Rodney had, at some point while he was busy, moved away from the door and was now standing beside the bed clutching John’s jacket with a unfocused stare.

“Hey!” Evan paused and waited for a response. “Mer!” When nothing happened he dropped the gathered clothes on the floor and took three quick strides over to where Rodney stood looking blankly. He took hold of Rodney’s face firmly in his hands and hunkered down trying to make eye contact with him. “Mer!” he snapped, his heart beating quickly in panic.  
Evan stood upright and moved Rodney’s face up so he could look into his unfocused eyes. “Please don’t make me get Carson,” he begged quietly to himself. “Mer!” he practically shouted.

Rodney blinked and focused on Evan.

“Mer? You okay?” Evan asked worriedly.

Rodney nodded his face between Evan’s hands.

“You scared me, you were gone,” Evan admitted, more than a little shaken up.

Evan pulled him into a hard hug and let out a deep shaky breath. “Jeeze don’t do that to me, Mer. I’m sorry, I shouldn't have made you come here.” Evan held Rodney at arm’s length by the biceps and studied him worriedly. “You sure you’re okay?”

Rodney nodded again. “I don’t think I can live here Evan,” he confessed quietly.

“You mean this room or Atlantis?” Evan asked carefully as cold dread settled in his stomach like a lead weight.

This time Rodney shook his head and his breath was getting shorter. “No ...I mean this room. There’s, There’s too many ….we we didn't spend a lot of time here but ..but when we did... it it it was ...we were...mostly....bed....in in bed,” he stuttered.

Evan could see him getting more and more distraught and rubbed his hands up and down Rodney’s arms. ”It’s okay, take some deep breaths,” he coached trying to calm Rodney down. “We’ll find you somewhere else, you don’t have to stay here. We’ll just grab some of your things and you can camp out at mine or Carson’s while we find somewhere new for you, okay?”

Again Rodney just nodded as he concentrated on slowing his breathing down.

Evan returned to the pile of clothes he had dropped, scooped them up quickly and dumped them on the bed. He rummaged in the bottom of the wardrobe where he thought he may have seen a black holdall, grabbing what looked like the handles he yanked it out.

“That..that’s John’s,” Rodney objected forcefully as his face paled.

Evan froze and looked between Rodney and the holdall then back again. “Mer...,” Evan struggled, “I need something to put your stuff in? I’m sure John wouldn't mind.”

“Of course John wouldn't mind, he’s fucking dead you moron, I mind,” Rodney snapped as he stormed over and snatched the bag out of Evan’s hand, clutching it to himself along with John’s jacket.

Evan sighed heavily. “Mer....you’re being irrational.” As soon as the words left his lips, Evan knew he’d said the wrong thing and anger flared in Rodney’s eyes.

“I am NOT being irrational,” Rodney argued. “I don’t want to use my dead ...boyfriend’s bag! Is that too much for your Neanderthal brain to understand?”

“Well, do you have one of your own we can use then because I’m not walking through the corridors carrying all your clothes in my arms,” Evan countered calmly.

“NO! I tore mine so I used John’s OK! Just ..just fucking use something else,” Rodney shouted.

Ignoring the anger and what Evan thought was fear rolling off Rodney, he strode across the room and faced him off. “Mer...look...I thought you wanted to get out of here? The sooner I can get this stuff packed the sooner we can leave. What’s the real reason you don’t want me to use the bag?” Evan challenged evenly.

Rodney looked down, suddenly deflated and pushed the canvas bag against Evan’s stomach in defeat.

Evan felt something small and light but solid inside the corner of the bag knock against his thigh. He took the canvas bag looking questioningly. “There’s something in here,” he said.

“I know,” Rodney answered quietly, still avoiding eye contact and went to sit down on the side of the bed.

Evan unzipped the bag and searched around the cavernous interior for the small object with one hand. What he saw when he retrieved his hand was an unassuming, small black leather box with silver leaf trim.

Letting the canvas bag drop to the floor Evan looked over at Rodney who was looking pale and drawn.

Evan’s hand was shaking slightly as he pulled open the hinged lid to the box and revealed two identical plain platinum bands.

“So now you know,” Rodney said without a trace of emotion.

“I …...Mer..... I’m sorry,” Evan apologized feeling like he had stolen something very private. “Had you set a date?”

Rodney smiled bitterly and his voice broke as he spoke. “We were already married, Evan.”

Evan’s head snapped up in shock. “What?!”

Rodney folded his arms, lent them across his knees and talked down towards the floor. “My sister kindly arranged things for us as much as she could, had a friend pull a few strings to speed things up. After our last visit to Earth, we took a few extra days leave and were married in Canada. Jeannie was there, as were Maddy and Kaleb, of course; we kept it secret from everyone else, as we did with our whole relationship as you know, for obvious reasons.”

Rodney looked as if he may break apart any minute.

Evan, dumbfounded, stared back down at the two innocent looking bands of platinum.

“Please put them away,” Rodney begged quietly and took a deep shuddering breath.

“Sorry,” Evan replied awkwardly, snapping the box shut and handing it out towards Rodney.

“Can you just put them somewhere safe, I can’t look at them yet.” Rodney, without looking up, implored so quietly that Evan struggled to hear him.

Evan quickly opened the top drawer of the chest again and reverently stowed the box where it would not easily be spotted and closed it quietly. He turned slowly, gathering himself together, and looked at Rodney who was still sitting with his head hung, looking for all the world like the broken man he was.

Evan silently took the bag from where it had been discarded and started quickly and efficiently packing the clothes and underwear away. He quickly visited the small bathroom, collecting a toothbrush, and all the hypoallergenic products Rodney may need.

When he was done packing Evan hefted the holdall on to his shoulder and looked to Rodney who was still sat silently. “Mer, is there anything else you want to take,” he prompted.

Rodney looked up slowly. “No, nothing,” he said, standing.

“C’mon,” Evan said placing his hand on the small of Rodney’s back once again and gently guiding him to the door. “Let’s get you outta here.”

Evan hesitated in the corridor as the door shut behind them; a door that had kept so many secrets hidden, it was no wonder Rodney had been reluctant to return. “Let’s go,” he said absently to Rodney as they headed off down the corridor.


	12. What Lies Beneath

Sitting down heavily with relief in his office chair, Carson felt more wrung out than he could ever remember being before. The doctor in him knew he was in danger of running himself into the ground but what else could he do? He couldn't turn his back on his friends.

He’d not expected to be needed for more than a meeting or two today. As usual though, fate had intervened. Dr Biro, who had kindly offered to take some of his shifts in addition to her own, had been sent back to her quarters after she threw up in the middle of their morning consult.

After that, the day had slipped away from him as he went from patient to meeting, to patient and then back again. Carson felt guilty for not checking on Rodney that afternoon but reconciled to himself that Evan had been with Rodney and would have called him had there been any need. Carson being Carson though, it still played on his mind, not having had a chance to discuss with Evan what to expect from Rodney and how to deal with it, for which he mentally chastised himself.

He had just resolved that paying Evan and Rodney a visit was his next port of call and was gathering his remaining energy to force his bone-tired body into action when his earpiece chirruped “Weir to Dr Beckett.”

 _Bloody hell, just what I need_ Carson, thought as he collapsed back into his chair to answer the call. “Beckett here, what can I do ye for Elizabeth?” he responded in the most genial tone he could muster.

“Doctor Beckett, I need to see you in my office when you have a moment please?.”

Carson resisted the urge to swear again and took a deep breath. “Of course Elizabeth, would about now be convenient tae ye?” he asked hopefully, just wanting to get whatever it was she wanted out of the way.

“That would be perfect, thank you. See you in a moment Carson. Weir out.”

Carson closed up his office, bid a gracious goodnight to his diligent staff as he passed them on his way out of infirmary and doggedly made his way through the corridors nodding to people as they greeted him on his way to Elizabeth’s office.

~*~

“Carson.“ Elizabeth stood and gave him a welcoming, if tight, smile as he entered her office. He could already feel there was a tension in the air that didn't bode well.

“Elizabeth” Carson nodded a courteous response as they both took their seats on opposite sides of the desk, “And how may I be of assistance?”

“Well,” she began cautiously, sorrow softening her voice but reticence tightening the lines around her mouth and eyes and tensing the muscles in her folded arms. “As you were one of Colonel Sheppard’s closest friends, I thought it may be prudent to inform you his quarters are going to be cleared shortly. Due to a problem contacting John’s brother everything had been put on hold until they could locate him.“

Carson raised his eyebrows in surprise. He knew John hadn't been close to his family but had assumed notification to next of kin had already been taken care of and they hadn't wanted John’s belongings, however that didn't seem to be the case.

“It appears," Elizabeth continued with a note of scorn in her voice. “After John’s father passed away, David Sheppard sold everything and relocated to his wife’s family estate in Vancouver. After a long search the SGC have only just determined his whereabouts and been able to contact him to inform Mr Sheppard of Colonel Sheppard’s death. The family would like John’s personal effects forwarded to them.” Elizabeth fixed her eyes on Carson’s, he could see there was something she was not telling him.

“I have yet to broach the subject with Colonel Lorne," she continued in an uncharacteristically detached manner. “The Colonel has taken some personal time that I didn't want to encroach on but... I’m going to ask that he oversees the task if not handle it personally himself.” She stopped and took a steadying breath. “However before I do, I thought maybe.., “ she stopped again, struggling to keep her emotions in check. “I am aware....... that losing John has been incredibly challenging for all of us.....especially Dr McKay. In light of which I wanted to ask you, as Dr. McKay’s friend and doctor, whether it would be ‘befitting’ to offer Dr McKay the opportunity to take any ...mementos.. from John’s personal effects before they are returned to the SGC?”

“That’s incredibly thoughtful of ye Elizabeth.” Carson smiled kindly. “And yes, I do think there's some things Rodney would like as keepsakes.”

Elizabeth’s oblique way of broaching the sensitive subject didn't surprise him but he was puzzled as to the subterfuge when they were actually both fully aware of the situation. At least it would give them an opportunity to remove any evidence of the relationship from John's room.

“If ye like, I’ll have a wee word with Rodney and Colonel Lorne myself?” Carson offered

Elizabeth nodded gratefully.

“I’ll let ye know what we take out of the room too,” Carson said.

Elizabeth lowered her eyes guiltily “That won't be necessary Carson and it may be better if this matter is kept between the three of you.”

Carson’s unease ratcheted up another notch but sensed he should stay silent for now.

Pressing her lips into a tight line, almost as if she didn't want to allow the words to pass her lips she asked, “How is Dr. McKay progressing?”

Carson felt his guard rise instinctively. “As well as can be expected under the circumstances. He’ll not be returning to duty anytime soon, he needs time,” he said circumspectly.

“Thank you Doctor Beckett,” Elizabeth said looking back up at him. “That will be all for now. I’ll advise you of any other developments as and when I can.” Her eyes widened pointedly.

“Right,” Carson acknowledged, rising and heading for the door. “Good evenin' Elizabeth,” he said in parting as he closed the door quickly behind him, confused and concerned that there was obviously something else going on that Elizabeth couldn't or wouldn't discuss.

~*~

Once he was in a quiet corridor Carson activated his communicator. “Beckett to Colonel Lorne.”

“Lorne here,” came a hushed replied.

“I've just had a really bloody weird meetin' with Elizabeth,” Carson admitted worriedly.

“What d'you mean weird?” Evan asked, concern momentarily raising his voice.

“I can't be sure, all I can think is she’s been asked tae submit a progress report on Rodney. At least that’s all I hope it is. I’m on my way tae ye now. Beckett out.”

Carson hurried through the now dusky, subdued corridors of Atlantis and arrived outside Evan’s quarters as a gaggle of marines walked by shattering the peace, he returned their hellos as he waved his hand over the door crystals.

Evan opened the door and Carson could see immediately there was something wrong. Evan looked wrecked; his hair was tousled where he’d been running a hand through it, his forehead furrowed and tense with worry and Rodney was laying, tightly curled up, asleep on the bed.

Evan nodded, indicating Carson to follow him silently out to the balcony and closed the glass door behind them.

“How is he?” Carson asked, concern coloring his voice.

“Not good. I took him to his quarter's to collect some clothes; big mistake.” Evan lent forward against the balcony railings resting on his forearms and continued clinically, as though he were giving a mission debrief. “He completely zoned out on me for about a minute ...maybe more? I had my back to him so I didn't notice at first, when I turned around he was completely unresponsive.”

“Evan, I should have prepared ye for what may happen. It was neglectful of me, I’m sorry.”

“Hey, Doc; I’ve seen stuff like this before, it freaked me out at the time but it’s okay. I would have called you if it wasn't.” Evan smiled grimly.

Carson nodded a took a few moments to just breath in the night air and listen to the still of the night.

“Do ye know what triggered it?” Carson asked after a while, watching the waves break gracefully against one of the piers.

Evan shrugged, his calm facade slipping slightly. “It was obvious they’d been using the room and let’s just say there was evidence they weren't playing chess the entire time.”

“There’s usually a trigger tae these episodes, Evan. The more aware of them we are the more we can help him,” Carson tried to explained.

Evan stared out to sea, holding his hands together tightly until his knuckles turned white. “Look, I don’t know Doc,” he replied testily. “Maybe it was Sheppard’s jacket or the empty condom wrapper, or the bed; he was certainly focused on that area.”

Carson turned to study the Colonel more closely; his body was tense, he was fighting to keep his emotions in check, his breathing had quickened and there was a pulse thrumming rapidly in his jaw.

Unsure of where he stood with his friend Carson asked tentatively, “Evan, what’s goin' on? I haven't seen you this agitated in a long time.”

“They were married,” Evan stated, overly calm. “Not just together but ‘married’.”

In stunned silence Carson looked through the glass balcony door to where Rodney lay innocently sleeping.

“I don’t know when exactly,” Evan continued, drawing Carson’s attention back. “He said it was on Earth, the last time they had leave. I found their wedding bands, by accident, hidden in Mer’s wardrobe. I don’t know why it bothers me so much you know? I knew they were together. I knew me and Mer were over a long time ago.”

“Maybe ye still had hope lad?” Carson offered gently.

“Don’t start that again Carson,” Evan warned irritatedly.

Carson sighed but benevolently pressed on. “Evan, you've loved him a long time, enough that ye let him go, that doesn't mean somewhere subconsciously ye didn't hope maybe one day he’d come back tae ye. The fact they were married means Rodney and John were even more serious about each other than even you knew.”

“Maybe,” Evan admitted quietly.

Carson shook his head and followed Evan’s gaze back out over the ocean.

Evan cleared his throat of the emotion that was building up there. “So, what was weird about your meeting with Elizabeth?”

“Aye, well..I don’t think it was anything tae to do with last night’s incident. I’m sure she’d have come right out and mentioned that. It was more a feelin' she wasn't sayin' somethin' that made me uneasy. And we have another problem.”

This caught Evan’s attention and he raised an eyebrow questioningly at Carson.

“Apparently, there’s been a wee hold-up notifying John’s brother. It’s been resolved now but they’ll be wanting John’s personal effects soon which means we need to pack up John’s room.”

Evan closed his eyes. “Oh shit,” he sighed.

“Aye, Rodney’s not goin' to take it well and just to make matters worse, like I said, I think Elizabeth’s been asked for a progress report on Rodney, at least that’s what I’m assumin'.”

“It wouldn't surprise me, they’re gonna want to know when their Atlantis CSO is getting back in the saddle,” Evan admitted.

“Aye, I’m sure they do,” Carson sighed. “I was as vague as possible without being obstructive so I think that’s bought us a wee bit of time. If they want a full medical report off me I’m not sure what I’ll do yet, they’ll not like the fact Rodney is refusing treatment from Kate.”

Evan let out a frustrated sigh, turned around and lent back with his elbows against the railing looking through to where Rodney still lay sleeping. “How long before we have to make a start on John’s room?”

“Elizabeth said she’s was going tae ask that ye take care of it when you’re back on duty, so a few days maybe.”

“I don’t know how much more he can take Carson. I tried to get him to eat dinner but all he had was a couple of crackers, then he just laid down on the bed, he fell asleep eventually. He’s just so still and quiet all the time, it’s not right,” Evan said as he watched Rodney.

“It’s going tae be hard lad. On all of us and unfortunately I fear we've not seen the worst of it yet.” Carson patted Evan’s shoulder trying to offer what little comfort he could. “Our Rodney’s got a lot tae work through. I personally don’t think he’s really processed John’s death and with the depression and PTSD tae cope with atop of it......”

Evan looked to Carson, fear shining in his eyes. “A couple of the guys in SG-11 were signed off with PTSD. Mer’s gonna get better, right Doc?”

“It’s hard to say,” Carson admitted sadly. “I hope so but he’s resistant to help and he obviously still feels he has tae hide things from us, which is probably not helping, he may never be the person we knew before John’s death but we need tae get him through it, we’re the only people he trusts.”

“Elizabeth said that Rodney is welcome to take anything he wants from John’s room,” Carson continued. “I know it’s a tad unorthodox but we’ll need tae get rid of anything incriminating before it goes back tae the SGC tae be approved for transport tae his brother anyway.”

“Should we just ask him if there’s anything he wants? I don’t think it’s a good idea for Mer to be there when I pack it all up.”

“I agree, but if we ask him then he’s goin' tae know what we’re doin' and he’ll insist on being there. I can't see how we can stop him.”

“I could do it without him knowing. I’ll just keep anything I think he may want,” Evan suggested almost desperately.

“Evan, I understand ye want tae try and save Rodney any additional pain, and believe me so do I, but we can't lie tae him or do this behind his back. We need him tae be able tae trust us and he won’t do that if he turns up one day and everythin' he had left of John is gone and we didn't tell him,” Carson rationalized.

“I know you’re right Doc, it’s just ….” Evan struggled and pulled in a ragged breath.

Carson patted Evan soothingly on the back. “I know lad, I know..”

They stood in contemplative silence, both watching their friend sleep with only the distant whisper of a calm ocean and the gentle evening breeze for company.

The peace was rudely broken by Carson’s stomach loudly protesting it’s desire for nourishment and they both smiled.

Evan laughed. “Hungry Carson?”

“It would seem so,” Carson chuckled looking at his tummy. “I should go get some dinner before the mess shuts down completely.”

Carson made a move to leave and sobered up quickly. “I’m ah....goin' tae remove anythin' ‘dangerous’ from your bathroom, don’t leave anything lying round either.” Putting his hand in his pocket he withdrew a pill. “Give this tae him tonight before ye settle down it’s 20mg of Paroxetine, for the PTSD.“

Evan swallowed hard. “Thanks Carson, I’ll be careful,” he promised tucking the pill away.

“Aye, I know ye will lad. Get some rest,” he said patting Evan’s back again before leaving him standing on the balcony.

Evan looked out over the ocean once again and tried to ignore the noises coming from the bathroom as Carson made it ‘safe’.  
When he heard the door to his room close behind Carson, he dropped his head and let out a long shaky breath and prayed he had the strength in him to be what Rodney needed.


	13. Duality

Rodney lay awake staring at the ceiling in the oppressive darkness; one arm resting above his head on the pillow, the other laid on his chest, hand over heart where his fingers echoed a small, comforting caress through his t-shirt that not so long ago had been bestowed each night by his husband’s hand.

A hot tear slid down his cheek, his throat ached painfully with the effort of trying to wrangle emotions which so often threatened to overwhelm him nowadays. He reasoned that if he could at least conquer these mood swings, he could pretend to have some semblance of control, how pathetic was that!

A tendril of light had stolen its way in through a small gap in the curtains; Rodney lost himself in the ebb and flow of particles of light as they burst out across the ceiling like white fire.

Beside him, Evan’s body radiated soft warmth and a gentle pull and tug on the blankets as he moved restlessly in his sleep and Rodney was grateful for the small nostalgic comfort it afforded.

The nights were bad, maybe the worst part of dragging himself through this hollow half life. Everything seemed to close in on him at night. The bite of loneliness and loss snapped at his already fragile countenance and unbidden memories of John ambushed his tired, defenseless mind. It all felt a lot more acute and insurmountable but at the same time, the true magnitude of what had happened and what he’d lost was beyond his grasp.

Sometimes Rodney wondered if he was still in shock, he felt so out of sync with himself. Without warning emotions would crash over him, ravage what little countenance of normality he’d regained, leaving him feeling drained, detached and exhausted with no mitigation.

A distressed moan and a short sharp jerk of limbs from the other side of the bed drew Rodney out of his introspection. He looked across the shallow valley of rumpled sheets at Evan’s broad bare back, the serviceman’s frame was tense but seemingly at rest, until a pain filled whimper and a frantic mumble of nonsense words drifted up from where Evan lay.

Rodney rolled smoothly on to his side towards Evan, resting a stubbly cheek on his bicep, he tentatively reached out a hand and lay it on the warm hard muscle of Evan’s flank and gently rocked him.

“Ev,” Rodney gently called into the dark, only to receive an increasingly more distressed whimper in reply. “Ev!” Rodney called a little louder and rocked him with a little more force. Rodney felt the muscles under his hand tense sharply.

“Mer!” Evan gasped in alarm, abruptly turning over and sitting bolt upright, his breathing too rapid. He blinked at Rodney, eyes haunted by the remnants of his dream. “You’re okay ?!” he breathed half in relief and half in question.

Startled, Rodney looked up at Evan from the cradle of his arm, eyes narrowing in careful scrutiny. “You were the one having a nightmare, not me. Are you alright ?” he asked, concern lilting his voice.

Rubbing his hands wearily over his face as if erasing the dream from his mind’s eye, Evan tried to pull himself back to reality, away from the horrific scenes staining his memory.

“Do you want to tell me about it?” Rodney offered softly as the silence stretched out between them.

Evan looked down, studying Rodney for another long minute, a conflicting mix of uncertainty and relief slowly replacing the haunted look, then closed his eyes and shook his head. “No. Thanks but no.” He slid back down into bed, staring up at the ceiling as Rodney had been minutes before.

“Unbelievable though it may seem, I’m not completely useless you know. I can still listen if you want to talk about it,” Rodney said without any bite.

“I know and I don’t think you’re useless,” Evan affirmed reaching out across the bed to clasped Rodney’s free hand in thanks and reassurance. “I just.....really don’t want to talk about it, maybe another time okay?”

Rodney gave a small nod in silent acknowledgment and squeezed Evan’s hand back.

Keeping their hands held at almost arm’s length Evan moved onto his side mirroring Rodney’s position. “Carson left a pill for the PTSD. I was supposed to give it to you earlier but you were sleeping. Do you want to take it now?”

In the half light Rodney studied Evan’s face as he rested on the pillow opposite him; the top of his hair was wildly mussed from his restless sleep, his face relaxed and open but for the dark stains under ardent sky blue eyes which betrayed the casual, worry free countenance his ex preferred to hide behind.

For a split second Rodney had a flashback of John’s face resting on the pillow next to him but it was gone before he could blink it away. Rodney quickly cleared his throat, covering his disquiet. “No, no thank you. It actually made me feel quite nauseous before,” he reluctantly admitted.

“Maybe we can ask Carson to give you something else instead?” Evan softly suggested, stroking the palm of Rodney’s hand with his thumb.

Rodney gave a placating half smile. “Maybe” he whispered, feeling the soothing caress start to lull him, his eyelids feeling heavy.

“Night Mer,” was the last thing Rodney heard before slipping into a dreamless sleep.

~*~

A rustle of movement from across the room roused Rodney from his sleep. Opening his eyes gradually against the pale light of dawn he could see Evan standing at the balcony doors, his bare back starkly contrasted by cobalt blue boxers resting low on slim hips and the swell of his upper buttocks. One hand supported his weight against the doorjamb, accentuating the hard muscles in his arm and shoulder, while the other hand carefully held the curtain aside; just enough for Evan to see out but not enough to let any more light in than was necessary.

Rodney felt an old flicker of desire briefly rekindle, only to be smothered by a tidal wave of guilt and shame which left confusion and resentment in its wake.

He'd known Evan for a long time, Rodney reminisced to himself, in fact it had been his sister Jeannie who had introduced them way back when they had all been stationed at Area 51.  
Evan had been a test pilot attached to the project they'd been working on, Jeannie freelancing until she decided what she wanted to do with her life, while Rodney had been given a permanent contract.  
After weeks of the three of them going to after work dinners and movies or bars, Evan had quietly asked him out on a date late one night after Jeannie had gone to bed.  
They’d been sitting on the lumpy brown couch in the mediocre apartment Rodney shared with his sister, watching Star Wars on their battered TV. Rodney had said yes without even having to think about it and found himself on the receiving end of the sweetest kiss he had ever experienced. Even John’s kisses hadn't tasted so sweet. With Evan, it was like their body chemistry's reacted with each other to literally create a kiss that was something he craved the taste of.  
One date had turned into two, which then turned into three which turned into them being ‘together’, Jeannie had been over the moon.

Unlike previous lovers, Evan hadn't seemed to mind his less attractive traits and his somewhat abrasive manner. Even after he’d bore witness to Rodney and Jeannie's explosive argument when, to Rodney’s absolute horror, she chose motherhood over her career.  
Untypically Evan had taken Jeannie's side and told Rodney outright he was being a jerk and making a big mistake. This had led to their first major argument but when Rodney point-blank refused to change his mind and apologize to Jeannie Evan had not ostracized him, just told him he loved him and didn't want him to one day regret turning his back on his sister.

When Rodney had been sent to Russia they'd tried to keep in touch but it was difficult, they briefly lost contact until he returned to the SGC to discover Evan had also been transferred there. Whether it had been by design or coincidence Rodney had never discovered.  
Whatever the case, it hadn't taken them long to start discreetly dating again which turned into dating by phone and email when Rodney went to Antarctica. Then Rodney had left for Atlantis.

When Rodney thought back on it now, they'd never officially broken up before he left for the Pegasus Galaxy. Neither of them had said the words but at the time it was understood the Atlantis expedition was probably a one way trip. Of course there was always the hope they’d be able to make contact with Earth once they'd established themselves in Pegasus but there were certainly no guarantees.

When Evan had been reassigned to Atlantis they'd casually picked up their relationship again but it just wasn't the same for Rodney this time.  
Now, in retrospect, Rodney could see Evan had suspected something had changed as soon as he’d arrived in Atlantis as the new XO. In fact Evan probably knew Rodney was in love with John Sheppard before he himself realized it.

It wasn't until the infuriating Chaya incident that Rodney finally realized his jealousy towards John was not at all, in even the smallest way, platonic. The revelation had impelled him into confessing to Evan he was in love with John, probably had been for a while and he officially ended their relationship .

Evan had just let him go, no arguments, no begging him to stay, all he’d said was, ‘If that’s what you really want Mer?’ and Rodney had always wondered about that.

Rodney couldn't resent or regret his feelings for a man who'd always been there by his side, supporting him at every major juncture of his adult life. He was lucky to still have Evan in his life and for that he would be eternally grateful.

Watching the man in front of him staring out the window oblivious to the internal conflict and resolution taking place behind him, Rodney noticed the play of tense and stiff muscles across Evan's back, neck and arms.  
Remembering Evan liked to watch the ocean when something on his mind was bothering him, Rodney called out softly across the room, "Ev, what's wrong?"

As he ran his two fingers down the curtain letting the soft material fall closed, leaving a hazy glow in the room, Evan quietly said over his shoulder, "I didn't mean to wake you, sorry."

Rolling onto his side Rodney waited for Evan to elaborate. When Evan eventually turned to face him, Rodney noticed the shadows under his eyes were a shade darker and etched a little deeper than they had been the night before.

Rodney held out a hand to him, "Ev, come here," he encouraged fondly.

On bare feet Evan padded reticently over, took the offered hand and sat down on the floor, leaning back against the bedside table, his arm resting on the mattress, fingers laced with Rodney's.

"Tell me. I promise not to freak out. Well, I promise to try not to freak out," Rodney half joked.

Evan looked at him and returned the half smile, then dropped his head back against the bedside table with a small thunk to study the ceiling intently.

After a few moments Evan said quickly, "We need to clear out John's room," rolling his head back towards Rodney, he looked him directly in the eyes trying to gauge the impact of his words and reluctantly continued, " Elizabeth said you can take whatever you want. I'd prefer you not to be there. Carson, on the other hand, says we shouldn't stop you if it's what you want."

Rodney took a deep breath as the now familiar sense of panic started to well up from the pit of his stomach and he felt Evan's hand tighten slightly around his.

Even the thought of moving John’s belongings from where he’d left them flooded Rodney with anguish. If anyone was going remove his husband’s possessions and the few small tokens from their relationship which symbolized their life and love together it was going to be him, even if it crushed him.

"Ev, I know what you're trying to do but you can't protect me from this. There are things in our room I want to retrieve before everything gets sent to the SGC." Rodney attempted to explain without revealing how much merely talking about it upset him.

"I could get them for you?" Evan offered hopefully.

The feeling of panic and fear increased at the thought not being there. Rodney looked at Evan, his eyes imploring him to understand, "I need to do this."

Evan rolled his head back towards the ceiling, letting out a defeated sigh through his nose. "Okay, tomorrow then,” he conceded and squeezed Rodney's hand again.

“Tomorrow,” Rodney agreed with a weak smile, silently he tried to quash the fountain of hot panic and dread and fear that was burning inside.


	14. Maeror Meror

Evan stood dejectedly looking around his late CO’s room before all evidence of his being was erased. Cases had been discreetly stacked on pallets in corners, ready to be filled with the remnants of Lt Colonel John Sheppard’s life.

Rodney was on his way. In a fit of anxiety Evan had thought it better if Rodney didn't arrive to a dark empty room again. So here he stood. Alone, in a room deathly silent except for the rain hammering on the large windows, curtains opened to let in what little light there was on this suitably grey and foreboding morning; dread laying heavy in the pit of his stomach.

As Evan was going to be there anyway Carson had suggested it might be easier for Rodney if he made a start before they arrived. This, Evan thought, was going to be harder than he’d ever imagined.

Grabbing a crate, Evan removed the lid, hauled it over to the wardrobe and dropped it nosily on the floor beside him. Forcibly he waved a hand over the sensor. The slim doors slid aside to reveal a neat row of black t-shirts, BDU’s, uniform jackets and shirts with their Atlantis patches, a suit, a couple of pairs of jeans and a nylon suit bag which, Evan guessed, probably contained dress blues. Letting out a shaky breath he pulled a t-shirt from its hanger, folded it neatly, placed it carefully in the crate and repeated the action.

It was with a sigh of relief some time later, when the storm outside had intensified, that he removed the last item from the wardrobe. He was just unzipping the nylon suit bag, to confirm it’s contents, when the front door swished open heralding Rodney’s arrival. Carson stood behind him, a comforting hand of support on his shoulder steering him into the room.

Carson met Evan’s eyes over Rodney’s shoulder, flashing a warning that already all was not well.

Evan looked to Rodney who was staring at the blue material and gold buttons peeking out from the unzipped plastic covering.

“W-why-why, is that here?” Rodney stuttered looking confusedly between Carson and Evan. “Why wasn't he buried in his uniform?”

“They probably used a different one, Mer,” Evan quickly offered, trying to avoid the scornful look and huff of angry breath from Carson.

Rodney’s head whipped back and forth between Carson and Evan with pleading eyes. “What? What aren't you telling me?” he demanded agitatedly.

“There was a problem locating John’s next of kin and that delayed the inquest as well.” Carson began professionally.

Evan felt a lance of anger not only towards Carson for dumping more on Rodney on today of all days but also because Rodney should have been John’s next of kin. He knew it was impossible because of John’s military connections but it didn't make it right or any easier to swallow.

Carson continued contritely, “I’m sorry Rodney, it’s entirely possibly John hasn't been laid tae rest yet.”

Rodney’s face was a commentary to his internal emotional turmoil; first pain, grief, disbelief then disgust, fury and outrage. “It’s been weeks! He’s -he’s- he’s been lying god knows where all this time....on his own and-and-and-.” Rodney voice was escalating in pitch, he was teetering on the verge of hysteria, but couldn't stop, he knew in the rational part of his mind John no longer existed, but it was John and all he had left was that broken body. It mattered because it had been John. It mattered because it was his husband.

Carson could see his friend was about to spiral out of control so swiftly pulled Rodney bodily around to face him, holding his arms tightly, he said firmly, “Rodney! Calm down and listen tae me! Calm down! He’ll have been well cared for,” Carson reassured kindly. “They’ll have treated him with the utmost respect. General O’Neill will have made sure of it. Ye know that.”

Slowly calming at Carson’s rational words Rodney nodded dumbly.

"Maybe we should come back to this another day Mer? " Evan suggested, even more convinced Rodney shouldn't have been involved in the clear-up.

"No!" Rodney snapped vehemently, turning to face him. "Will you just give it up already!”

“Okay.” Evan held up his hands, physically holding back Rodney’s anger.

Shame and guilt flashed across Rodney’s face. “Ev, I’m sorry. I .. didn't mean...”

“Alright. It’s okay. I understand,” Evan said sympathetically. “Look, I've packed most of the clothes from the closet. Was there anything you wanted?” he asked calmly trying to change the subject.

Rodney swallowed hard, “Um, ....maybe-maybe his panda t-shirt? He used to wear it to bed some nights. When he’d had a bad day,” Rodney explained distractedly as he went over to the chest of drawers, opened the top drawer and started rummaging. “It should be here somewhere,” he mumbled.

Carson cleared his throat, catching Evan’s attention.

“I’ve got tae be gettin' back tae the infirmary for a wee while. I’m sorry, Dr Biro is still off duty,” Carson explained, guilt creasing his forehead, “but I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

Evan nodded in acknowledgement and Carson turned to leave, giving Rodney a final look of concern, before reluctantly heading out the door.

No sooner had the door slid shut Evan heard his earpiece chirrup, “Beckett tae Lorne.”

Evan tapped his earpiece to activate it, “Go ahead.”

“Call me on the private channel if you need me, he’s been on edge all morning” he cautioned.

“Okay, I will, Lorne out.”

“Everything okay?” Rodney asked holding a folded black t-shirt with a cartoon panda motif.

Evan looked up, distracted by Carson’s concerned warning. “Yeah it’s fine.” he smiled reassuringly, “You find it?”

“Yeah.” Rodney looked down fondly at the t-shirt and stroked his thumb over the panda face.

“Okay,” Evan said hefting another crate off the pile and taking it over to Rodney. “We’ll make this the ‘things to keep box’.” He gently took the t-shirt from Rodney’s hands and placed it in the crate. ”Anything else in that drawer you want, Mer?”

Rodney shook his head.

“You look for the things you want and I’ll pack the rest away, okay?” Evan offered.

Rodney nodded and watched Evan move efficiently round the room. “Thanks,” he said quietly for a thousand different kindnesses.

At the quiet gratitude Evan looked up from the lid he was replacing to see a very small fragile looking Rodney. He walked over and lightly holding the back of Rodney’s head kissed his forehead softly and whispered “We can do this,” and then went to start clearing out the drawers Rodney had already been through.

Rodney closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he could do this.

~*~

He felt sick as he moved around the room gathering and discarding items from their life with trembling hands.

John’s wrist bands- he’d always said he felt naked without them, his watch and aviators. The beloved Johnny Cash poster, the equally cherished drawing Madison had sent John for his birthday, a small glass tankard Rodney had given him as joke wedding present, a collection of endearments/teasing insults and reminder notes John used to leave him dotted in strange places, their RC cars, epi-pens John insisted be stashed everywhere, a blood glucose tester, a liberated life signs detector, physics magazines, he had no use for the guitar but he couldn't bring himself to part with it just yet, maybe he could give the golf clubs to Ronan, Rodney’s ratty bathrobe which John insisted he’d hated (but on more than one occasion had been caught wearing, even though it was too big for him) and neatly folded in the bedside table bottom drawer was Rodney’s favorite ‘I’m with Genius’ sleep shirt which he’d thought had been left on earth when it mysteriously disappeared on their return from their one night honeymoon.

Puzzled as to why John seemed to have hidden one of Rodney’s favorite t-shirts he picked it up and something fluttered out of the sharp folds of material to the floor.

Rodney bent down to pick up what looked like a small blank piece of paper, as he turned it over his stomach lurched violently and a physical pain shot through his chest; it was the only photo taken of them together as a couple, the one from their wedding day.

The t-shirt fell from his hands, forgotten, as he stood clutching the photo shakily. Rodney stared down at John’s hazel eyes looking back at him sparkling with laughter, his smiling radiating happiness and it was in that moment Rodney felt the reality of losing his husband hit him physically with the force of an atom bomb.

It knocked him breathless, like a massive wave of ice cold water, bursting the delicate bubble of numbness he hadn't even known was there. It tore through every cell of his body, shattering something delicate inside, turning his legs to jelly and bringing him crashing to his knees.

He stared at the photo; at John’s smiling lips, eyes sparkling with life, forever frozen in time and his mind violently threw him back to the moment when he had literally watched the life, love, and laughter slip away from his husband.

“Oh god he’s gone, he’s gone,” he shuddered shaking his head in disbelief. “Oh god, oh god,” he gasped, “I've lost him”.

Tears streamed down Rodney’s cheeks, soaking into the neck of his t-shirt, his body shook violently with the force of the grief clawing through his body ripping its way out, his tight grip on the photo creasing the delicate paper. “He’s gone. John!” he called into the room. “Oh god John please! please!” he cried out desperately with watery unseeing eyes.  
“Don’t leave me,” Rodney begged. “Oh fuck. Oh god. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t,” he choked incoherently shaking his head sobbing, “John, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

Evan, stunned into immobility at first, was now crouched beside him and reached out a hand to comfort him.

“Don’t touch me!” Rodney screamed at him hysterically. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

Evan moved back abruptly, holding his hands to his forehead in despair, tears cascading down his own cheeks as he watched the man he loved break down completely.

“John. Please,” Rodney whispered, repeatedly desperately pleading as he rocked himself.

Evan swallowed hard, trying to pull himself together, and tapped his earpiece. “ L- Lorne to B-Beckett,” he stuttered, his breath hitching.

“Beckett here,” came a distracted reply.

“Jesus. Carson, please,” Evan pleaded.

“I’m on my way. Beckett out.”

Evan gingerly knelt next to Rodney again, hands hovering, trying to comfort without touching as Rodney rocked bodily back and forth.

“Mer. B-baby,” Evan tried to say through hitching breath. “Mer, shhh-baby-shhhh.” His shaking hands fluttered desperately over Rodney’s back and head. “I don’t know how to help you.”

“He’s gone.” Distraught, Rodney looked at Evan. “He’s gone!”

“I know baby,” Evan said, his voice breaking.

“He was wrong. He was wrong. So wrong.”

Evan’s breath shuddered hard as he tried to control his crying. “Who was wrong baby?”

Rodney looked at him, his face wrecked and slack with grief. “John said I’d be okay but I won’t, I can’t do this. I can’t!”

Evan slowly and gently gathered Rodney into his arms, holding him tightly in his lap. This time Rodney didn't resist instead he sagged and curled in on himself against Evan’s body.  
Evan tightened his arms and rocked him gently, constantly whispering words of comfort.  
Silently he willed Carson to hurry and vowed to do everything in his power to help put back together the shattered man he held in his arms and keep anything from hurting him again.


	15. Feel Again

Carson marched briskly through the bustling main thoroughfare of Atlantis, his white coat whipping around him, curtly nodding to those who greeted him hoping it would be enough to discourage them from stopping him for a quick chat. 

Compared to the glucose gel bouncing in his coat pocket, the syringe containing a sedative in his breast pocket felt like an unnaturally heavy burden. He hoped there would be no need to use it this time, he hoped Rodney would start working through some of his grief instead of pushing it away. The longer it went on the harder it would be to conceal the true severity of Rodney’s condition and keep him where he needed to be. It was a difficult balancing act and Carson was desperately juggling his friendship, his responsibilities as a doctor and what Rodney wanted.

Coming to a halt outside of the late Colonel John Sheppard's quarters, Carson took a few moments to prepare himself mentally. Silently promising John he would do his very best to look after Rodney, Carson took a deep breath and entered the room.

Before him, on the floor, sat Evan clutching Rodney McKay's shaking body which was being wracked by uncontrollable heaving sobs.

Evan looked at Carson accusingly; fury, pain, helplessness, fear and grief all warring for assertion. 

"Evan, can ye tell me what happened?" Carson asked, calmly trying to ignore the silent condemnation being projected his way.

Evan gave a snort of derision as he gently rubbed soothing circles on Rodney’s shuddering back. "What do you think happened, Carson? It was too much for him." 

Carson looked at him hard, his professional mask hiding the sting of Evan’s accusation. "I think we'll leave the diagnosing up tae me Colonel," he retorted briskly.

Crouching down beside the pair, Carson gently took Rodney's pulse which was more rapid than he was happy with. "Rodney lad? It's Carson. I need tae check tae see if you're okay. Can I have wee chat with ye?"

There was no response.

"Colonel, I don’t care what your personal opinion of me is at the moment, I need ye tae tell me exactly what happened right now!" Carson demanded with all the authority he could muster. As much as he was worried about Rodney, Carson was becoming increasingly concerned about Evan, his gut was telling him there was more to his out of character behavior than met the eye. 

Evan took a strong shaky breath and fell back on his mission debrief technique. "We were packing things away, we were making good progress. Mer was just going through the bedside table. He must have found something that upset him. He just started saying "oh god, I've lost him", then collapsed and just fell apart. He has something in his hands but wouldn't let me touch him at first so I couldn't see what it was. Now he’s not responding Doc." As Evan finished he struggled to keep the fear from coloring his voice.

Carson nodded in acknowledgment and turned his attention back to Rodney.

"Rodney, listen tae me." Carson waited for his words to penetrate and continued. "I want ye tae tell me who ye are."

There was no acknowledgement.

“Rodney, I need ye tae listen and answer me.” Carson again waited and then continued. “ I want ye tae tell me your name.”

After a few moments Rodney quietly responded from the crook of Evan's arm in hitched breaths. "Dr. Meredith. Rodney. McKay-Sheppard"

“Rodney, I need ye tae look at me." There was no response. “Rodney! I need ye tae look at me please," Carson repeated again more firmly but with compassion.

This time Rodney haltingly lifted his head and looked at his friend and Doctor, his face ruined as he sobbed uncontrollably. Underneath the red blotches his skin was pale and eyes vacant.

"Good Rodney, now I need ye tae tell me where we are," Carson instructed kindly.

Rodney looked confused for a second and looked around as though he didn't recognize where they were.

"Rodney, describe tae me where we are," Carson persisted.

Again Rodney looked around. "Our. Room. John's. Room," he corrected himself through hitching breaths.

"Okay Rodney, that's good. What else," Carson encouraged.

"We're, sitting, on the floor?" 

"Yes. Why is that Rodney, what happened?"

Carson watched as slowly the vacant look in Rodney's eyes faded incrementally.

"I was, ah..., clearing out his drawers. I, um..., found my t-shirt. He, he, kept my t-shirt. From our, um.., honeymoon. It had .....," Rodney trailed off.

Carson could see he was going to lose him again and quickly picked up the thread of Rodney's unfinished thought, "It had what, Rodney?" he encouraged.

Making eye contact with Carson for the first time, Rodney continued. "Our... wedding photo," he said and as if just now remembering he was holding it, he sat up a little and looked down at the photo in his trembling hands. "He, he kept our wedding photo here. I didn't know." He looked up at Carson, distress marring his features. 

Carson nodded indicating Rodney to continue.

"I, I, told him not to bring it. It, it, it, was too much of a risk you see?" Rodney’s eyes pleaded with him to understand.

Carson nodded again. "I can understand why you'd think that Rodney, yes."

"I, I told him we could explain the rings away as heirlooms or some such thing, but this," Rodney stroked the picture out against his thigh, trying to flatten the creases between juddering breaths, "This, we wouldn't be able to explain away." 

"I'd be honored if you'd let me see the photo, Rodney," Carson asked.

Rodney reluctantly and hesitantly handed the photo to Carson.

Carson looked down at the photo of Rodney and John on their wedding day. Both were dressed in morning suits with champagne roses and gypsophila button holes. Rodney was smiling as he kissed John's cheek, one hand resting lovingly on his new husband's chest. John's wedding ring was proudly on display as he rested his hand atop Rodney's. John was looking directly into the camera like he was the happiest man to have ever walked the face of the Earth.

Carson felt his throat grow tight and swallowed around the golf ball sized lump there, it was so bloody unfair. "It's a beautiful photo, Rodney," he said trying not to let his voice break with the overload of emotion.

Looking up, Carson noticed Rodney's eyes starting to look slightly unfocused again and his breathing was still hitched and too quick, "Right Rodney, I want ye tae sit up properly." Carson nodded to Evan indicating him to help Rodney sit up straight. 

"Rodney I want ye tae take some slow deep breaths okay in......and out....," Carson coached.

“Evan, can ye get the pillows off the bed please and put them over by the wall so he can sit on them," Carson instructed. Evan got up and retrieved the pillows, setting them up as told and came back. 

"Help me get him up please," Carson requested confidently. “Rodney we're going tae sit you over against the wall okay, it'll be better for your back.”

Evan took Rodney by one arm while Carson took the other helping him to stand, walk over and sit back down against the wall. Evan sat beside Rodney against the wall, whilst Carson crouched down in front of them both. 

"Right, Rodney I want ye tae tell me three non-distressing things ye see in this room. I want ye tae say 'I see." There was no response from Rodney. "Rodney did ye hear me"

"I. Yes, ..... I see you. …..Carson Beckett...... My friend."

"Okay, good lad, that’s one. What else?" Carson encouraged

There was a long drawn out pause. 

“Rodney, what else do ye see?”

"I see............. the window …...... I see ..... I see the lamp"

"Okay, well done. Take some more slow, deep breaths for me please." Carson waited for five deep breaths.

"I want ye tae now tell me three non-distressing things in this room that ye can hear, say ‘I can hear’. "

Rodney nodded, "I can hear the rain outside..... I can ..I can hear Evan breathing beside me, .......I can hear the air recirculating unit." 

"Good job; now five more, slow, deep breaths and then tell me three things ye can feel, say ‘I can feel...’"

Rodney took his five deep breaths and said, "I can feel my hands, they’re shaking, ….I can feel my knees aching they feel bruised, ..I can feel Evan sitting beside me, he's warm."

"Good Rodney. Well done. Now this is important and I know this is going to be hard but I need ye tae think about it and try and separate yourself from ye emotions for a moment, do ye feel as though ye blood sugar is crashing?"

Rodney paused and thought and tried to separate what was going on, he didn't feel quite so detached anymore but he did feel light headed and a little dizzy, "Yes." he confirmed.

Carson took the glucose gel out of his coat pocket, unscrewed the lid and handed it over to Rodney, once he was satisfied Rodney had had enough gel he sat back against the wall on Rodney’s other side.

Carson gently took Rodney’s pulse again, while he studied his friend’s face. This time his pulse was well on it’s way to normal and the color was starting to return to his complexion. 

“You know,” Rodney started quietly, pausing to watch the rain hammering against the window then looked back to Carson, “We wanted to tell our friends we were married. We just couldn't take the chance. It’s not that we didn't trust you all, its just....things happen.” 

“Aye that’s understandable Rodney. There was a lot at stake and none of us thinks any less of ye or John for trying tae protect what the two of ye had.” Carson reassured softly as he sat next to Rodney.

Rodney rested his head back against the wall, looked up at the ceiling and shook his head, “I miss him so damn much. I still turn to tell him things but he’s not there. I sometimes think I see him in the corridor or across a room but it’s just someone with his color hair or the same build and I have to remind myself he’s gone. I miss him next to me. I miss him holding me. I miss his stupid laugh. ..”, Rodney ‘s voice broke.

Carson put a comforting hand gently on Rodney’s thigh but sat in silence listening.

Rodney took a long shuddering breath, “You know, he was so different to the guy you all knew. There was so much more. God! He was so passionate. I’d never felt so loved and cherished in my life. And he’d talk. We’d lie in bed and he’d just talk about having kids, it was a pipe-dream but he liked to imagine. He’d have made a great dad. Or he’d talk about riding horses on his dad’s estate, or his mum...he really missed her, and the hiking trips he’d been on and stupid things he’d done. It was like he wanted me to know everything, like he knew time was...... ,“ Rodney stopped abruptly and swallowed hard. “We knew. We knew, because of his job, he was likely to go first. But it’s too soon. And such a fucking waste! He’s faced down Wraith, and Replicators and Genii and some sniveling little grunt who had some deluded grudge takes him down when he’s unarmed and off duty. What the fuck is wrong with the universe! He doesn’t......didn’t deserve that!”

“I know Rodney.”

“It’s wrong. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be!” Rodney cried at the injustice.

“I know lad,” Carson consoled, acutely feeling his own grief. 

“The photo, I didn't even know he had it. It was a shock, that’s all. Our wedding day was the best day of our lives. And every second I had with him, before and after, was worth it and in this room we were together! In this room he was my husband and we had that! And no one can take that away!” Rodney blinked furiously at the tears falling and swiped them away with the heel of his hand. 

“You’re right, Rodney; no one can ever take away what you and John had.” Carson gave him a comforting smile.

Rodney let out a long tired sigh, “I’m exhausted," he chuckled without mirth.

“Shall we take ye back tae Evan’s room?” Carson asked.

Rodney nodded, “Thanks.”

Beside him Evan silently stood up; pushing down his anger, hurt, distress and jealousy he assisted Carson in helping an emotionally wrung out Rodney back to his room.


	16. We All Fall Down.

While Carson gave Rodney a brief exam, mainly for his own peace of mind, and patiently settled him to sleep in Evan’s bed, Evan paced his fury out in Carson’s quarters. 

Something had broken inside him,something delicate which had contained all the shame, guilt, jealousy, pain, frustration and anger. Something which he’d had a tenuous grip on but enabled him to hold it all together.

Now it was let loose and he was tail spinning out of control. He stalked the length of the modest room like a caged panther, sharply turning on his heel and stalking back only to repeat the action over and over. He couldn't ever remember being this angry in his life. The fury screamed in his ears drowning out reason and chased the air from his lungs, forcing it out in harsh breaths through gritted teeth and flaring nostrils. The emotional tempest of kinetic energy tore through his muscles, forcing his hands to clench and release and clench again into tight fists, aching with the need to pound into something that would attest to these normally veiled feelings. 

The soft shush of the door sweeping back announced Carson’s return; after a nanoseconds pause, which broke Evan’s holding pattern, he flew like a bullet from a gun, across the room at Carson, slamming his shocked friend up against the wall.

“YOU!” Evan spat as he jabbed an accusing finger into Carson’s solid torso. “THAT! was your fault,” he shouted into Carson bewildered face, barely keeping his clenched fist inert at his side. “I told you he shouldn't be there! I knew he couldn't handle it, but would you listen to me? NO! You inconsiderate FUCK!”

“Colonel Lorne. I think ye need tae back off right now lad before ye do something ye regret,” Carson ordered slowly and calmly with a voice edged in steel.

Rapidly blinking away the red mist from his eyes, Evan took in the Doctor’s uncompromising and uncharacteristically austere expression and forcefully pushed himself away from Carson’s body, still heaving angry breaths, eyes flashing with fury, anger ricocheting through every atom.

Carson stepped away from the wall, straightened his coat and calmly considered the raging Colonel standing in front of him. 

Turning on his heel Carson ordered, “Follow me Colonel.”

“Where?” Evan ground out the stubborn reply.

“You’ll do as I say, Colonel and nae ask questions or I’ll have you written up for assault,” Carson threatened without even turning back to face Evan.

For a split second Evan considered disobeying and to hell with the consequences before he rancorously followed Carson without another word.

Carson marched them down to the Officer’s empty practice room. Locking the door behind them he left Evan, whose body was still radiating rage, standing in the middle of the sprung floor as he collected the zinc oxide tape from the supply room. 

On returning, he stood in front of Evan. “Hold your hands out, Colonel,” he barked.

Evan complied grudgingly and Carson proceeded to expertly wrap Evan’s hands. “Can you move your fingers and make a fist?” 

Evan silently demonstrated that he could.

Carson walked over to the heavy punch bag hanging in one corner of the room.

“Over here Colonel,” he ordered.

Resentfully Evan stalked over and stood opposite Carson with the bag hanging between them.

“Right Colonel. If ye want tae punch something be my guest,” Carson goaded confidently, holding on to the punch bag and bracing himself.

Considering Carson shrewdly for a moment Evan positioned his stance, pulled back his fist and threw a punch as hard as he could. Both men grunted against the focused impact of fist into compacted sand. He pulled back again and let his other fist fly. Then again. Slam! And again and again and again.

Evan continued to power into the heavy bag. As the minutes ticked by sweat blossomed over his skin, running down his back and forehead in trickling rivulets, soaking into the material of his uniform, his grunts of exertion eventually morphing into growls of frustration.

“Do ye think I enjoy seein' my friends sufferin', Evan?” Carson asked suddenly over the dull thumping as he shifted aching muscles and braced against the repeated onslaught the bag was receiving. 

The punches became harder.

“Do ye think it’s easy for me tae watch Rodney slowly destroyin' himself because he can't face up tae losing John?” he asked again, emotion pulling his voice higher and tighter like taffy.

The punches became faster.

“Do ye think I like watchin' ye suffer alongside Rodney or how much it hurts ye when he’s in pain or talks about John?” 

The punches stopped and Evan’s labored breathing was the only thing to break the taunt silence. Carson let go of the heavy bag, letting his sore muscles gratefully relax again. 

Evan stood there, head hanging in defeat; his sweat soaked hair plastered to his forehead, his face damp and flushed from exertion, his clothes clinging to his perspiring body. 

Carson stepped around the swinging bag, gently took Evan’s bound hands and started to slowly unwrap them.

“I know ye love him Evan but ye can't protect him from John’s death or how he feels it. Ye can only be there for him.” Carson looked up at Evan through his eyelashes as he continued to unbind his hands. “I know you’re hurtin' too and it’s hard but don’t bottle it up. Talk to me, I’m ye friend not ye enemy. I understand ye angry with me for pushin' Rodney but I know him too remember. He needed somethin' tae make him let go of all those emotions he was pushin' away before he self-destructed and I think we had a breakthrough today.”

Evan flexed his abused hands, now free of the tight zinc oxide wrap. Feeling shaken and exhausted from the emotions which had run riot through him, he grabbed at words like butterflies to explain himself. 

Watching Evan’s inner struggle Carson patiently waited him out.

Reluctantly catching on the crux of his squalling emotions Evan said quietly, “I love him Carson. I can’t lose him again. Maybe you’re right, maybe it is selfish of me. I let him go before and it nearly killed me but it was the right thing to do.”

Carson squeezed Evan’s arm. “Aye I know lad. I wish it were different for ye.”

Evan nodded and looked down. “I just want to keep him safe............. but ….it was one of my men.” Evan looked at Carson, guilt and emotion shining in his eyes. “It was one of my men, Carson. I should have noticed something.” His voice broke on the admission. 

“Oh, Evan.” Carson pulled Evan into a tight hug and felt his friend cling to him fiercely; he rubbed his back soothingly trying to smooth away the guilt. “No-one! Not one of us on this entire base bears any responsibility for Corporal Morgan’s actions in my mind. If anyone is tae blame it’s the people at the SGC for sending him tae this god forsaken galaxy but definitely not ye, Evan.”

“I've been having nightmares,” Evan admitted falteringly. 

Carson could sense the admission practically tore at Evan’s throat as the words were unwillingly forced out. He also had a hunch these weren't the run-of-the-mill nightmares he knew Evan usually suffered from.

Carson gently rubbed Evan’s back. “About what, Evan?” Although he suspected he already knew. 

“About that day,” Evan said shakily against Carson’s neck as he paused, gathering the courage to continue.

“The day Colonel Sheppard was shot. I’m standing in the Gate Room. We get the emergency radio message for help but when we get to the corridor, Morgan has shot them both and Mer’s dead too but you’re not there and I try to bring him back, I really try but...and I know how Mer feels. I know how much he’s hurting because if it was him who'd died in the corridor that day it would have destroyed me.”

Evan’s heart beat rapidly with panic as he recalled the dream. Letting out a breath that shuddered with emotion he felt Carson hold him tighter. 

Feeling the shame start to suffocate and close in on him, Evan pulled back, putting space and distance between his emotions and the comfort and forgiveness Carson offered.

Evan covered his face with his hands. All his masks, protective walls and defenses were crumbling and he felt the need to hide from Carson the magnitude of shame and disgrace he felt. 

“Evan, c’mon. Talk tae me. Please,” Carson pleaded. 

Defeated, Evan dropped his hands, the sheer devastation in his eyes broke Carson’s heart. 

“I’m glad it wasn't him Carson,” Evan said simply. “I am so fucking thankful Mer wasn't the one who was shot. That’s how selfish I am!” he admitted shamefully.

Carson’s heart ached for his friend. “Dear god, Evan, you’re not being selfish. It’s natural to be relieved the man ye love isn't dead, that he survived such a violent event. It doesn't mean you’re glad John is dead or ye wanted him to be,” he reasoned gently. “Evan, will ye do something for me?”

“Depends, what it is Doc.” Evan attempted to give a little smile but it felt wrong on his face.

“Will ye speak tae someone, about Corporal Morgan and the nightmares?”

“I can’t Doc.” Evan looked torn. “You know it all revolves around Mer. I can’t talk about how I feel if there’s a chance it’ll get on my record.”

“Then at least talk tae me, Evan. Stop treatin' me like your enemy. I know I said some fool things recently I didn't mean and I hurt ye. I’m so very sorry my friend. I truly am,” Carson pleaded

“I know. I’m sorry too, Doc. I've been a pain in the ass.” This time his smile just about reached his eyes. “I’d prefer to talk to you anyway.”

“Good. We’ll make an appointment and ye can come by my office. I’ll be mindful what I put on your record.”

Evan raised a eyebrow in suspicion. “Why do I feel like I've just been duped, Doc?”

Carson smiled. “Kate’s been runnin' grief counselling and therapy trainin' sessions for me and a couple of my nurses. John’s death and the nature of it affected a lot of people in the city and on the mainland. Kate’s been overwhelmed recently and so far SGC haven’t been able tae get anyone with clearance tae come out here tae help so, as usual, we’re doing what we can ourselves.”

“To be honest, Doc, I think people are more likely to go see someone they already trust and feel comfortable with than someone the SGC throws at us. What about Mer, are you going to see him too?” Evan asked hopefully. 

Carson looked slightly uncomfortable. “If he insists, but it would be better if he goes tae see Marie. We had a wee chat and he said he’s willin' tae at least try a couple of sessions with her.”

Evan’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “How are you doing Doc?”

“Me?.” Carson looked at him feigning a smile. “I’m fine lad. Don’t ye worry yourself about me.”

“Carson, don’t ream me out for not talking to you one minute then turn around and tell me you’re ‘fine’ the next,” Evan admonished.

Carson studied him for a few seconds. “You’re right lad. I’m sorry. Again,” he smiled.

“Tae be honest I’m findin' it difficult tae say the least. But then everyone is. I miss John. He was a good friend, an amazing man, a bloody walkin' medical miracle,” he laughed sadly. “I know in reality, barring some Ancient gizmo we don’t know about, with the wounds he’d sustained, there was nothin' else I could've done, but still, I wish I could've done more for him.”

“We know you did everything you could Doc,” Evan reassured.

“Aye, I know. Ye can’t help but wish though. I’m worried about Rodney too but I’m hopeful he’ll start talkin' about things now and that will help him heal a wee bit at least.” Carson paused considering his words. “I’m worried about ye. You've lost your friend and CO who was murdered by one of your men, you've had tae take over command of the base and you’re supporting the man ye love who is grieving for his husband ”

“You make me sound like a bad soap opera Doc.” Evan tried to joke but it fell flat.

“It’s a lot for one person tae cope with Evan. Just don’t forget ye have friends who will help ye and Rodney,” Carson said seriously.

“I won’t,” Evan promised. “And don’t think I didn't notice what you did there, Doc, we were supposed to be talking about you,” Evan chided fondly.

“Habit lad. Habit.” Carson smiled, pulling Evan into a fierce hug and kissing his head affectionately. “Come on, let’s get ye back to Rodney ye bloody idiot.”


	17. Secrets, Lies and Reprisals.

Rodney stood alone in the empty quarters he had once shared with his late husband; the ache in his chest a constant reminder of everything missing from his life. The now anonymous spartan room made the shackles of grief tightened painfully around his heart as something akin to acceptance swept over him. It left him feeling adrift, floating farther and farther away from his husband into an unfamiliar sea he was increasingly afraid would drown him.

As everything threatened to overwhelm him, Rodney clenched his fist tightly around John’s lucky silver dollar like it was a lifeline. Guilt crawled up his spine while something primal, deep within his soul, screamed wildly not let go, to hold on to every last remnant that held any connection to John. How could he do this, how could he let go of this?

Over the last three days the rest of his husband’s belongings had been packed into crates. This morning, in a somber procession through the corridors, they had been moved down into the gate room awaiting the afternoon dial-in and transportation back to Earth. 

Even with its basic furniture and hollow spaces, the room echoed memories back to him. Nights spent worshiping each other's bodies, lips writing whispered secrets against warm skin in the early mornings, hushed arguments borne of frustration and fear after a mission had gone wrong and laughing together at things no one else would find funny - until tears streamed down their faces. It was unsettling to consider someone else moving into these quarters, making it their own, filling it with their life. It hurt to let it go. It felt fundamentally wrong to give unspoken permission for some stranger to color this space with their own memories and experiences, to fill the deathly silence with their own music, arguments, laughter and passion and Rodney resented them, whoever they were, just a little for it. Above all he felt as though he were betraying John, giving up on his fiercely loyal husband and severing one more strand in the tapestry of their life. Whenever he thought about it too hard, the shame of it would punch him in the gut and make him feel sick.

‘C’mon babe, what ya waiting for? The Wraith to invade?’ Rodney smiled fondly as he heard the echo of his husband’s amused voice cajoling him.

Letting the warmed silver dollar fall into his pocket, Rodney forced his reluctant body to move, gently shimmying the bedside table away from the wall to expose the tiles behind it. Leaning over he waved a hand over an unassuming pattern which smoothly slid out to reveal a small, deep, square drawer.

Awkwardly, Rodney scrambled a hand around the compact drawer; his blunt fingers pinching blindly at the thin balled chain, trying to get a grip on the metal tags and eventually pulling them free. He stood with the bloodstained chain coiled in one palm, in the other he reverently held the small silver tags, stroking his thumb gently over the debossed letters and numbers. 

Rodney carefully released one tag from the chain and placed it in his pocket with the silver dollar. Softly bestowing a kiss on the remaining tag he replaced it back in the drawer, letting it slide closed then moved the table back to cover the once again camouflaged tile.

No matter how many other people made this room their home, no matter how many years slid by, in his mind and heart this would always be John’s room.

~*~

Looking up from his data pad, Evan rubbed his aching eyes, around him the organised chaos in the gate room blurred and slipped in and out of focus. New scientists, marines and supplies came through efficiently from SGC and were siphoned off to their new homes, while tired looking people and broken equipment were shipped back. Off to one side John Sheppard’s crates stood like a bitter monument awaiting transport. 

To an outsider it looked like any other resupply event but for everyone involved, it felt very different. There was a somberness in the air that weaved around the room touching everyone present and cocooning them in their individual doleful reflections. A few First Wave members stood in huddled pairs and a couple of small subdued groups silently observed the familiar choreography. There was no excited chatter from the new personnel stepping through into Atlantis for the first time. There were no scientists noisily debating their latest theories in the alcoves whilst eagerly awaiting the arrival of new equipment. 

Evan’s own melancholy had been edged with tension since the wormhole opened twenty eight minutes earlier and General O’Neill had made a surprise entrance through the gate. The General had stormed up to Elizabeth’s office without a word of acknowledgement to anyone in the gate room. At one point Evan could have sworn he’d heard raised voices drifting down the staircase which had only served to increase the foreboding feeling keeping the muscles in his back painfully tight and the pressure in his temples at an uncomfortable level. 

With just ten minutes remaining until the gate closed, a flurry of activity from the office above drew Evan’s attention away from the room; he turned to see General O’Neill stalk out of Elizabeth’s office and make his way down to the gate room floor, an ominous look furrowing his brow.

“General.” Evan snapped off a salute as O’Neill made a beeline for him.

“Oh for cryin' out loud Lorne, haven’t you got over all that protocol nonsense yet,” O’Neill snapped as he waved away Lorne’s salute. 'At ease Airman.’

“Guess not Sir.” Evan smiled, dropping into parade rest.

O’Neill eyed him carefully, taking in Evan’s shadowed eyes and drawn skin. “How y’doin?”

“As well as can be expected Sir.”

“Yeah, well, you’re doing a good job son.”

“Thank you Sir. If I may Sir, is everything alright?” Evan raised his brows, indicating silently up to Weir’s office.

Shadows of anger darkened O’Neill’s obsidian eyes and a pulse started thumping in his jaw. “In all honesty, Colonel it’s a clusterfuck. If it had been up to me that marine would never have been sent here but it wasn’t. Just, y’know, do what you’re doing.”

Evan looked at O’Neill quizzically. “Sir?”

“Excuse me would you, Colonel. Ah! Beckett!” O’Neill called, turning to meet Carson who’d just entered the gate room and leaving Evan standing none the wiser.

Realizing he was stood staring blindly at the huddled backs of the General and Carson while they conferred, Evan snapped out of it and lost himself in checking the transfer forms and straps securing John’s crates one more time. It was a task he’d performed a thousand times already but the need to make sure everything was shipshape just once more was too strong to resist, even if he had wanted to. 

“Thank you Colonel.” From behind him, Jack O’Neill’s hand squeezed Evan’s shoulder lightly. “You've done a good job here. I’ll be escorting these back personally, don’t worry.” 

Stepping aside, Evan nodded silently, not sure his voice would make it around the huge lump in his throat, and saluted John’s crates as they slowly moved away on their final journey out of Atlantis, his colleagues following suit. No one was surprised when all the lights in thegate room dimmed slightly as the boxes were swallowed by shimmering blue water.

Evan stood and stared for just a few moments after the gate blinked out, taking with it the last pieces of John Sheppard’s life, the silence in the gate room was deafening as people just dealt with the significance of the moment. Making a conscious effort Evan turned his back on the gate and restarted work. His actions broke the somber spell and one by one people restarted their duties or drifted back to their own posts or labs. 

Movement from the overhanging balcony of the control room caught Evan’s eye; Rodney was standing there, glassy eyed watching the gate room, Radek at his side, had one hand comfortingly placed on Rodney’s shoulder. Rodney nodded in acknowledgement to Evan, then turned to Radek, giving him a weak smile before leaving as quietly as he’d entered.

Evan’s earpiece chirruped as he watched Rodney leave. “Weir to Colonel Lorne and Dr. Beckett. May I see you both in my office immediately.” The curt request made the pressure in Evan’s temples throb harder.

Carson met him at the foot of the staircase and shared a questioning look as they ascended. “Any idea what this is about?” Carson muttered 

“No, I thought you might know?’ 

Carson shook his head.

“General O'Neill didn't look happy, so I don’t think it’s anything good,” Evan said under his breath as he ran a hand over the chimes of the office door. The doors slid aside to reveal Elizabeth standing behind her desk waiting for them, arms folded tightly, her face pinched with anger.

“Gentlemen, please, take a seat,” she asked with a sour politeness.

Evan and Carson took their seats opposite Elizabeth as she sat, holding her hands tightly in front of her on the desk, the door to her office opened once more and Radek made a harried entrance. 

“Promiňte, I was delayed,” Radek apologized sincerely, taking his seat.

“Apology accepted,” Elizabeth said coolly, then paused, looking them all in the eye before she continued. “Gentlemen, it is with a great deal of sadness and disapprobation that I have been tasked with the duty of informing you that, as of this morning, under article 134 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice, Colonel John Sheppard was posthumously dismissed from the United States Air-Force. He will however retain his rank.”

Stunned silence filled the room. Carson, slowly lent forward towards the desk,  
“Aye. Well,” He started sarcastically with a dangerous quiet. “That’s bloody alright then isn't it,” he bellowed as he stood up. “As long as he gets tae keep his bloody RANK! That’s the important thing isn't it!”

“Doctor Beckett!” Elizabeth snapped. “Take your seat and calm down!”

Carson dropped back into his seat, chest heaving as his struggled to get his temper under control. Elizabeth pinned Carson with a threatening stare, daring him to disobey her. When he stayed still and quiet she continued 

“I have made my displeasure and personal feelings regarding this outrage known in no uncertain terms to General O'Neill,” she advised with deliberate calm; Radek, took a breath to say something but before he could utter a syllable Elizabeth sent him a fierce quelling look and continued.

“General O'Neill has already attempted to appeal against this decision. However, it appears the late Corporal Morgan had friends in some very high places whom it appears aided his transfer to Atlantis with intent.”

“Elizabeth, what are you saying? That someone was sent here to murder Colonel Sheppard?” Radek asked aghast.

“No Radek.” Elizabeth shook her head. “As far as General O'Neill has been able to ascertain, Corporal Morgan was maneuvered into being posted to Atlantis with the directive to gather incriminating evidence against Colonel Sheppard in order to build a case for his dismissal. It appears John made some powerful enemies during his time in Afghanistan. Corporal Morgan had several incidents wiped from his records. These incidents made him an extremely unsuitable candidate for the Atlantis expedition. He was basically a time bomb and before he could finish his assignment …..” Elizabeth looked down, holding her hands together even tighter so all the blood drained from her knuckles.

“It is alright Elizabeth, take your time anon,” Radek said kindly as he got up and poured her a glass of water and handed it to her.

Elizabeth smiled in thanks and sipped her water allowing time to compose herself.

“As you may be aware gentlemen, there was a problem locating Colonel Sheppard’s next of kin. In the process of searching for David Sheppard, Rodney and John’s marriage certificate came to light.” She looked accusingly at all three men and then continued. "This documentation gave the interested party all the ammunition they needed to complete their objective.”

“Elizabeth, this is outrageous!” Carson ranted, no longer able to keep quiet.

“Doctor Beckett, I am well aware of the injustice of this situation and had I known the full extent of their relationship I may have been better prepared to defend their actions,” she spat accusingly. “As I have stated, I have made my outrage absolutely clear to General O'Neill. However, the General has also gone to the wire on this issue only to be stonewalled with excessive force.”

The silence that followed was palpable.

“So, what you’re saying,” Evan began with controlled calm and patience, “Is that Rodney won’t be allowed to appeal the decision, that there’s absolutely nothing we can do about this.”

The frustration and anger tightened the lines around Elizabeth’s eyes. “That, is essentially what I am saying.” Carson and Radek scoffed but Elizabeth ignored them. “And General O'Neill has requested specifically that you take no further action,” she said looking pointedly at Evan.

Evan stood up very calmly.“Fuck this!”

“Colonel Lorne. Sit! Down!” Elizabeth ordered.

“Fuck you!” Evan yelled over his shoulder as he walked out.

“Colonel Lorne!” Elizabeth stood up and shouted after him.

“Let him go Elizabeth.” Carson sighed resignedly. “He’s been having a rough time of it lately.”

“Who hasn't,” Elizabeth countered with uncharacteristic spite, retaking her seat.

Carson looked hard at Elizabeth. “There’s more than you know.”

“Let me guess, something else you’re not going to fill me in on?” she laughed bitterly.

“Elizabeth, I couldn't betray Rodney’s trust and tell ye the true nature of his relationship with John, ye know that. Besides, I've not long known myself and what would ye have done? I'm sorry ye feel betrayed and ye have every right tae, but I did what I thought was best at the time,” Carson explained. “I’d like to suggest I speak to Rodney concerning this matter?”

“Whatever you think is best Carson, of course,” she replied, still with a bitter twist to her words.

Carson sighed, “I’d better go check on Colonel Lorne, if you’ll both excuse me,” he said wearily as he rose and left the office.

“We are not only trying to protect Rodney. You must understand this Elizabeth anon? The less we tell you the better, yes?” Radek asked softly.

Elizabeth’s hard expression softened sadly. “ I guess I expected more from you Radek.”

“We are not trying to undermine you but we know, because of the position you are in, sometimes your hand is forced. We wished to spare you this.” Radek stood up. “If we didn't tell you something, it is because we wished to protect you as well as Rodney.”

“I think I would prefer if you were all just honest with me and let me make my own decisions,” Elizabeth said the hard look back in her eyes.

“On that, for now, we shall have to agree to disagree Elizabeth, anon.” Radek nodded to her respectfully before leaving. Elizabeth sat at her desk staring at three empty chairs.


	18. Revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you missed the big red box with the white E in it, the rating for this fic has been raised. If you don't like sexually explicit scenes don't read this fic.  
> For those of you reading who like a little bit of 'adult' in you adult fic I've not written a sex scene before so be gentle with me.

Evan wasn't answering his comm hales and it was making Carson nervous. He’d searched the mess hall, Evan’s quarters and his office, his own office, the control room, the armory, Radek’s lab, the officers practice room, the shooting range and an hour later was now making his way to the last place he could think Evan may have gone to cool off.  
Carson had found this place, quite by chance, when he was out on one of his walks. On a isolated balcony high above the city, he’d discovered Evan painting an elegant canvas of Atlantis. It was sheltered enough from the wind that the canvas didn't get blown away but still managed to offer panoramic breathtaking views of the city and the ocean.

Moving quietly out onto the balcony Carson found his friend sitting on the floor, eyes closed, head tipped back against the terracotta colored wall, lightly tanned forearms resting on his bent knees. He looked relaxed. Satisfied Evan had calmed down and wasn't about to do anything stupid, Carson started to quietly move back out into the corridor, leaving his friend the space he seemed to need.

‘Don’t go,’ Evan said abruptly without opening his eyes. 

Carson froze in his exit of the balcony. ‘That’s creepy, Evan. I just wanted tae make sure you'd cooled down a wee bit,’ He explained lightly.

Evan snorted a laugh and looked over to Carson, his light blue eyes full of gratitude.

‘You were just making sure I didn't lay anyone out and screw up even more than I already have.’

Carson chuckled. ‘Yeah, maybe that too.’

‘Pull up a pew, Doc,’ Evan invited, slapping the ground beside him with his hand. 

Carson awkwardly lowered himself down to the cool, textured floor and they sat in companionable silence, listening to the sea and the strange sounds of buildings yielding to the elements.

‘What a goddamn mess. How the hell are we supposed to tell him? He was just starting to make some progress, Doc,’ Evan said bleakly, breaking the serenity. 

‘Aye, I know,’ Carson agreed sadly, ‘but it will have tae be done and sooner rather than later before tongues start wagging.’

‘Yeah...Doesn't mean I have to like it though.’

‘Evan, ye were pretty damn angry when ye left, I think ye managed tae piss off Elizabeth even more than she already was.’

‘Yeah no kidding. She reached me via comm and suspended me for three days. Don’t get me wrong, Doc, I’m still plenty angry. I've just had time to cool down a bit. I’m not going to Hulk out on you again though,’ Evan joked weakly.’

‘I tried tae reach ye on the comm. Ye didn't answer, I was worried.’

‘Yeah....sorry about that..I...ah... I drop kicked my comm over the balcony after Elizabeth tore me a new one,’ Evan admitted sheepishly.

‘Nae harm done this time but ye can’t be doing things like that, ye the military commander of this base now, Evan.’ Carson smiled. ‘Ye bloody fool,’ he added with mirth, gently bumping his shoulder against Evan’s.

‘I know,’ Evan said with a guilty smile, ‘but it was either kick something or fuck someone and I don’t have many options in the ‘fuck someone’ category.’

‘Och, I suspect ye have more options out there than ye realize.’

‘You offering, Doc?’ Evan laughed.

Carson felt his cheeks burn as he laughed weakly and shrugged.

‘Doc?’ Evan looked at Carson in surprise. ‘I didn't know you were gay.’

‘Well, actually I’m bi’. I've just nae dated any fellas since we've been on Atlantis,’ Carson admitted tentatively. 

‘You not seeing Laura anymore? You and her are pretty on and off so, we never know when it comes to you two,’ Evan asked curiously.

‘It was good for a wee while,’ Carson sighed wistfully staring out at the horizon, ‘but we didn't really have that much in common, after a time it started tae show, the sex was still good so we kept each other company that way but she’s met a nice young lad now.’

Evan bumped Carson’s shoulder back. ‘Well, for what it’s worth Doc, you deserve to meet someone nice too.’

Carson smiled and they lapsed back into companionable silence, both lost in their own thoughts.

‘So, was Elizabeth pissed at you too?’ Evan asked after a while.

‘Oh aye, I think we’re all well and truly in the dog house at the moment.’

‘The way I see it we did what we had to do. I’d do it again in a heartbeat. I don’t even want to think about what might have happened to Mer if they’d transferred him back to Earth,’ Evan said, a shudder of dread rippled through him at the thought.

‘Speaking of Rodney, have ye seen him since the dial in from Earth?’ Carson asked.

‘No. I was too damn angry to go see him, I came straight here.’ Evan shook his head in disbelief, ‘I just can’t believe they’d let something like this happen. It’s so fucking screwed up.’

‘I’ll not argue with you there.’

Carson hauled himself up off the floor and held out a hand to Evan. Grabbing the offered hand Evan pulled himself up, keeping ahold of Carson’s hand he pulled him into a hug. 

‘You’re a good man, Doc. Thanks,’ Evan said warmly against Carson’s ear. 

Carson felt the warmth against his ear move fluidly through his body to bloom in the center of his chest and held his friend tighter, closing his eyes, committing to memory the feeling of the strong arm cradling his shoulders and large hand softly rubbing his arm.

Evan stepped back breaking the moment. ‘I guess we’d better go deliver the bad news.’ 

‘Aye, before he finds out some other way,’ Carson agreed reluctantly.

~*~

Rodney sat on the edge of Evan’s bed turning his husband’s dog tag over and over between his fingers. Ever since the gate blinked out he’d been struggling with the guilt at feeling a sense of relief as he’d watched John’s possessions disappear. It was over. There was nothing left of John on Atlantis except a few small trinkets and his own fading memories.  
He let out a long shaky sigh, realizing for the first time his husband had gone a long time ago but he’d been desperately trying to hold on to him, flailing around for anything that would tie him to someone who no longer existed. It was like trying to hold mist in his hands.  
There were somethings that would be with him for the rest of his life. He'd forever be haunted by that day in the corridor, he'd always love his husband and miss him everyday, always have the time they’d spent together, all the secrets they’d made would be his for eternity. 

He’d promised till death do us part and now he had to keep that promise; he had to let John go, had to let him rest in peace.

~*~

Evan returned to his quarters, Carson trailing behind him, to find Rodney sitting on the edge of his bed, head bowed, hands lying loosely between his thighs as he turned something shiny over and over in his fingers.

‘Mer, you ok?’ Evan asked, concerned softening his voice.

Looking up Rodney gave him a sad smile and pocketed whatever it was he’d been playing with. 

‘Yes. Yes, actually I’m okay,’ he nodded but the look of regret that ghosted across Evan’s face before he could shut it down set off a cloud of nervous butterflies in his stomach.

‘What? What is it?’ Rodney asked worriedly.

‘We need to tell you something, Mer,’ Evan said cautiously.

‘Well, yes, I can see that, so what is it? What could possibly have gone wrong now ‘cause let’s be honest, things can’t get much worse now can they!’

Evan took a deep breath, like ripping off a band aid, the quicker he got this over with the better.

‘Look, Mer....John’s been posthumously dismissed from the Air Force as of this morning. I’m so sorry.’

Rodney tilted his head, frowning as if he’d not heard clearly what was being said. ‘What?’

‘I said, ….’ 

‘I heard what you said,’ Rodney snapped, standing up. ‘Why the hell would they....oh.,’ he faltered as the color drained from his face. ‘They know about me...about us,’ He said hollowly sitting back down hard on the bed.

Evan nodded, lost as to how to even begin to offer any comfort. ‘He gets to keep his rank,’ He added lamely.

‘Like that’s going to do him any good now,’ Rodney said bitterly.

Carson watched Evan struggling to work out how to help Rodney and stepped forward, crouching in front of his friend and placing a comforting hand on his knee.

‘There’s more you need tae know lad,’ he said watching Rodney carefully, continuing when he received a nod to carry on. ‘Corporal Morgan was hired, for want of a better word, tae gather incriminating evidence against John in order tae build a case for his dismissal.’

‘Why!?’ Rodney cried incredulously. ‘What did John ever do to deserve that?’

Carson shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know lad, all Elizabeth said was that John had made some powerful enemies in Afghanistan. Powerful enough they were able tae wipe Corporal Morgan’s record clean of information that would have prevented him coming tae Atlantis.’ 

‘Prevented him coming to Atlantis?’ Rodney echoed desolately.

Carson swallowed hard. ‘Elizabeth described him as a time-bomb, whoever hired him must have known he was on the edge but had no real idea what damage he could do if he..went over the edge.’

‘So this walking time bomb turns his objective into a deluded obsession and takes it upon himself to eradicate the problem! Is that it! Is that why John died! Because he pissed in the Cheerios of some impotent military bureaucrat, too cowardly to do his own dirty work and too stupid to even send the right person to do the job for him?’ Rodney looked disbelievingly between Carson and Evan, waiting for an answer.

‘I’m sorry, Rodney,’ Carson said regretfully, ‘I wish I could tell you why.’

‘How did they find out, that we were together I mean?’ Rodney demanded.

Evan walked over and sat next to Rodney on the bed. 

‘When they were searching for John’s brother, your marriage certificate flagged up,’ He explained.

‘Huh,’ Rodney puffed ironically. ‘Well at least he’s not here to suffer the humiliation of a dismissal, that’s a small mercy at least. Are his family going to contest the decision?’

‘I have nae idea, Rodney. General O’Neill has already tried tae intervene but he’s been stonewalled,’ Carson said as he stood up stiffly.

Rodney nodded to himself. ‘Would you mind if I just have some time alone please.’

Carson and Evan looked at each other worriedly.

‘Oh for pity’s sake. I just need some time to think through all this without you two hovering around me all the time like a couple of mother hens.’ 

‘Sure,’ Evan said looking at Carson to check he’d made the right call.

Carson nodded. ‘Right, well, we’ll leave ye tae it then Rodney. Call me if ye need anything because Mr Temper Tantrum here threw his comm over a balcony.’

‘What? Why?’ Rodney asked looking at Evan as though he were stupid.

‘Nothing Mer, don’t worry about it. I’ll tell you later.’ Evan smiled. ‘Come on Doc, lets get out of his hair,’ he said guiding Carson out of his room. ‘I’ll be back in a couple of hours Mer, I’ve got some things to do.’

‘Fine. Whatever. Go. Get lost,’ Rodney said as he laid back on the bed. He listened to the door shut behind his friends and let the silence of the room engulf him as he pondered his next course of action.

~*~

‘Well, that was not what I was expecting,’ Evan stated as he and Carson made their way to the mess hall.

‘Aye, Rodney ranting and raving is normal. Rodney quiet and contemplative is dangerous but then he’s nae been the same since John’s been gone. He probably just needs tae get his head around it like he said.’

‘I sure hope you’re right, Doc,’ Evan said skeptically as they entered the mess.

‘So, Colonel, what do ye intend tae do with ye three days of leisure,’ Carson asked teasingly as they collected their trays and joined the short queue for food.

‘I’ll probably catch up with some paperwork, I've really let it slide recently and there’s only so much Stackhouse will let me get away with. He’s such a hard-ass, I’m pretty sure I was never this hard on John,’ Evan mused as they shuffled along the queue.

‘Aye, well that’s probably why John never did any paperwork ye ninny,’ Carson laughed.

Evan turned to smile at Carson who was standing behind him. ‘You've got a point there, Doc. It looks like today on the menu we have mystery meatloaf, fish-chicken, or not-even-close-to-it-pasta.’

‘Oh dear God, pass me a fish-chicken quickly before they all go and we’re left with the lesser of two evils,’ Carson asked desperately. 

Evan laughed and picked up the last dish of fish-chicken, passed it back to Carson then helped himself to a mystery meatloaf. 

‘You’re a braver man than I, Colonel,’ Carson said looking at the brown sludge on Evan’s plate as they took their seats.

‘Says the man eating a fish that tastes like chicken,’ Evan countered with a cheeky smile.

‘At least I can identify what native species I’m about tae consume. Ye could be about tae eat anything from that foul smelling warthog thing, tae the private parts of an Athosian cow.’

‘Ahhh, Doc! Thanks!’ Evan grimaced and poked his dinner worriedly while Carson chuckled merrily across the table from him. ‘You’re evil, Doc,’ Evan said pointing his fork at Carson.

‘Aye, so I’ve been told,’ Carson grinned proudly. ‘Tuck in, Colonel. It’s getting cold,’ He teased.

Evan narrowed his eyes at Carson and tried to suppress his smile. ‘You owe me, Doc. I gave you the last fish-chicken.’ 

‘I’ll make it up tae ye. I've got a bottle of fine whiskey just waiting tae be opened if ye want tae come over for a wee tipple tonight?’ Carson offered.

‘How about a rain check. I’ve got a couple of things to do tonight?’

‘Sure, if ye change ye mind the offer's still open.’

‘Thanks, Doc. I’ll keep it in mind.’

~*~

Evan felt relaxed and full of food as he made his way back to his quarters. It had been a really pleasant meal with Carson and he made a promise to himself to do it more often.

He entered his room to a pile of clothes strewn across the bed and a lot of noise coming from the bathroom.

‘Mer?’ he called out making his way to the bathroom, finding Rodney balancing an armful of toiletries. ‘Mer, what you doing?’

‘Packing, Colonel Obtuse. What does it look like?’ Rodney said sarcastically as he pushed past Evan back into the main room.

Evan followed Rodney out as he dumped his hoard onto the bed alongside his clothes.

‘Okaaay. So, you’re packing. Packing to go where?’ Evan asked completely taken aback.

‘Earth,’ Rodney replied briskly not looking up from his task.

‘Earth?!’ Evan exclaimed. ‘I thought you didn't want to go back to Earth. You practically begged me not to let them send you back, Mer.’

‘This is different. There’s some things I need to do and I’ll be coming back,’ Rodney explained, concentrating intently on packing.

‘What things, Mer?’ Evan asked suspiciously, feeling his blood pressure start to rise with his voice.

‘Mer! What ‘things’?’ he yelled when Rodney blatantly ignored him.

Rodney stood up from where he was hunched over packing, his face red with anger.

‘It’s none of your business, Evan.’ 

‘Jesus! Mer, I've put everything on the line for you to keep you here.’ 

‘I never asked you to put anything on the line for me, Evan!’ Rodney accused loudly.

‘Don’t you think I at least deserve to know why you've done a complete 180?’

‘No! You’re not my boyfriend, Evan! I don’t need to explain my every decision to you!’ Rodney yelled.

Evan felt like he’d been physically punched in the face and just stood there for a few seconds as the words clawed through his heart.

‘Fine,’ Evan said as quietly and as evenly as he could manage. ‘I’ll let you pack in peace. Have a good trip.’ 

Evan turned on his heel and walked out of the door before the hurt he was feeling could get any worse. Before getting too far Evan stopped in the middle of the corridor, Rodney’s words still ringing in his ears, and realized he had no idea where he was going. Radek would probably still be in his lab over the other side of the city but Carson’s quarters were only one floor down. Decision made, he slipped into the nearest transporter and exited onto Carson’s corridor.

He activated the chimes and waited. When there was no answer Evan started to feel he may have made a mistake. He was just about to turn away when the door slid open and he heard Carson call out, ‘Who is it?’ 

‘It’s Evan. Just wondered if you were still up for that drink?’ Evan called back as he lent through the door.

‘Aye, Aye. Come in lad,’ Carson invited warmly as he came out of the bathroom pulling his dark blue t-shirt down, giving Evan an eyeful of solid muscled chest, taut stomach and defined hips outlined by the waistband of his jeans. 

‘Don’t worry if you changed your mind about the drink Doc,’ Evan offered, indicating with his thumb he could leave, all the while trying not to ogle his friend. 

‘Don’t be daft,’ Carson admonished as he offered Evan his computer chair to sit on. 

Evan sat down while Carson collected the whiskey and two glasses then came back to sit opposite him on the bed. Passing Evan the glasses to hold, Carson poured them each a large measure of the rich amber liquid and put the bottle down on the floor next to his feet.

‘So, what’s bothering ye, Evan?’

Evan shook his head fondly at his friends intuition. Leaning forward with his forearms resting on his knees, hands cupping his drink.

’Me and Mer had a...disagreement, I guess you could say.’ 

‘Ahhh, just like the old days.’

‘Dont!’ Evan said looking up at Carson seriously, ‘Just...don’t.’

Carson’s eyebrow drew together in concern and he immediately lost his humor, leaning forward so he was mirroring Evan’s position he asked, ‘Tell me.’

Evan recounted the argument almost word for word and they were well on their way through their second round of drinks by the time he finished.

‘Whatever Rodney feels the need tae do it’s obviously important tae him. Ye know he didn't mean tae hurt ye, Evan,’ Carson said trying to give what little comfort he could.

‘Yeah but he’s right,’ Evan said standing up and draining his glass and putting it down on the bedside table.

Carson stood up, took a swig from the bottle and handed it to Evan. Necking back a good amount of the whisky, Evan walked over to the balcony doors and stared out at the ocean. 

‘It’s him. It’s always been him. Even when he was with John.’’

Carson walked over and lent against the wall next to his friend and took the whiskey from him, giving it one last swig he drained the bottle and threw the empty on the bed.

‘I can’t tell you what tae do, Evan. I’m sure Rodney still cares about ye, he may never return ye feelings but then who’s tae say maybe he one day will? No one can predict matters of the heart. Ye can’t wait for him forever. Ye need tae move on at some point.’

Evan turned so he leaned against the wall with his shoulder next to Carson’s.

‘You offering, Doc?’ Evan smiled wickedly, echoing his words of earlier that day.

Carson felt his cheeks burn again. ‘Don’t tempt me, Evan,’ he said seriously.

‘Why not?’ Evan asked, a little huskily, sliding his hand back and forth over the compact muscles of Carson’s abdomen.

Carson closed his eyes and concentrated on the warmth of the hand that was now working it’s way under his t-shirt. ‘Cause I’ll nae turn ye down,’ he answered breathily.

‘Maybe I don’t want you to turn me down,’ Evan whispered, trailing his fingers over the waistband of Carson jeans, down the zipper to cup him in his hand. 

‘Evan, I think you’ve had a wee bit too much tae drink.’ Carson swallowed hard as his hips moved instinctively with the hand palming his cock.

‘I know what I’m doing Carson,’ Evan breathed hotly against his ear. 

‘Oh Aye, I can tell that.’ Carson gasped against the exquisite pressure being placed on his rapidly filling cock.

Evan eased up a little and looked at Carson, ‘I want this. Don’t you?’

‘God yes. Just promise you’ll still respect me in the morning,’ Carson joked shakily.

Evan smiled, then softly kissed Carson’s ear and whispered, ‘I promise,’ as he gracefully dropped to his knees. Nuzzling the bulge in Carson’s jeans, he snapped open the button and lowered the zipper. Gently pushing the jeans down, he mouthed the growing erection through the soft material of Carson’s tented shorts until they were slightly damp with saliva. Leaning back on his heels Evan carefully pulled the waistband of Carson’s boxers over his erection, pushing them down to pool on top of the jeans around his ankles.

Cupping the thick shaft still with one hand, Evan slowly mouthed along Carson’s thickening cock from root to tip savoring the musky taste. Letting his lips drag and pull against the firm silky skin, he worked up and down the length until it was fully erect, finally letting his lips part over the glans as he pushed the tip of his tongue against the frenulum, taking the head of Carson’s cock into his mouth with an obscene slurp.

Evan felt hands grip his hair lightly and Carson gasp ‘Oh God !’ as the wet heat engulfed him.

Steadying himself with one hand against Carson’s hip, in the other fist he held Carson’s cock, working his mouth down over the head, holding it against the roof of his mouth and sliding the tip of his tongue against the frenulum over and over. The first taste of pre-cum made Evan groan and he had to let go of Carson’s hip to quickly release the button and zipper on his own aching erection.

Letting the cock pop out of his mouth Evan pumped the shaft firmly, watching pre-cum pearl at the slit, then leaning forward he gently jabbed the point of his tongue against the slit catching the salty liquid only to quickly push his lips back over the plump red crown, down the shaft to meet his fingers, letting his hand follow his mouth, up and down smearing saliva and pre-cum as he moved. 

Bobbing his head a little faster Evan looked up at Carson, his head was thrown back against the wall, rolling with his ragged moans. Evan sank down slowly until the cock head bumped the back of his throat. Evan could hear the moans getting quicker and more desperate as he held Carson’s thighs and pulled his mouth back, hollowing his cheeks, only to plunge down again, his tongue caressing the ample shaft all the way. He could feel Carson’s hands on the back of his head guiding him to move quicker and that pushed another moan from Evan, sending vibrations along Carson’s cock and forcing a strangled ‘FuckShit!’ as Carson thumped the wall with his hand. 

Evan could feel the tingle in the back of his thighs and the pressure building in his groin. Releasing his grip on one of Carson’s thighs he awkwardly shoved his pants and shorts down far enough. Letting the cock drop from his mouth again, he spat into his hand and started to fist his own erection as his mouth chased the head of the cock bobbing in front of him. 

Swallowing Carson down again to the hilt he felt the thigh muscles underneath his hand tense up and Carson’s hips thrust gently. Moving back up the shaft Evan sucked on the head, then laved it with his tongue, feeling it bump against his swollen lips as he tongued its shiny smoothness. He pumped his own cock in time with his tongue’s ministrations, then briefly took a hold of Carson’s thick shaft to guide it back into his mouth again, running his tongue along the ridges and veins until Carson was panting out quick little ‘aahhs.’ 

Resting his hand against Carson’s stomach for support as he fisted himself harder, Evan felt Carson try to push his head back in warning but he resisted, pushing forward to engulf just the crown with firm wet heat again and letting it rest heavily on his tongue, Carson gave a long strained groan as Evan felt the muscles in Carson’s stomach contracting, his body arch and pools of warm semen pulse over his tongue. 

Swallowing it down hungrily Evan felt himself tip over the edge, the pressure in his groin releasing suddenly, sending white hot shock waves of pleasure ricocheting through his body. Pulling off Carson with loud grunt and pumping into his own fist, Evan moaned through the spasms, feeling himself pulse reams of cloudy white fluid over his hand as he milked himself through his orgasm. 

‘Jesus... Christ,’ Carson panted as he watched Evan and steadied himself against the wall, his now nearly flaccid cock nestled damply in a dark bush of pubic hair. 

‘Uh huh,’ Evan smiled, still breathing hard as he relaxed back onto his heels as best he could with his shorts and BDU’s still around his thighs. 

At that moment the door to Carson’s room slid open and Rodney blindly walked in.

‘Carson is Evan he......’ he trailed off as he looked up and came to an abrupt halt in front of the thoroughly debauched scene. Evan on his knees, cock out, hand covered in semen, in front of Carson who still had his pants and shorts around his ankles. Time stood still for what felt like minutes rather than the seconds it really was. 

‘Sorry!’ Rodney held out his hands, ‘Oh God! I-I-I-I I should have used the chime. I’m-I’m-I’m sorry,' he stuttered quickly. ‘I’ll go,' he added, turning around and leaving as quickly as possible. 

As the door slid shut Evan snapped out of his shock. ‘Shit! Shitshitshit!’ he swore vehemently as he awkwardly tried to pull his shorts and BDU’s back up without getting semen on them.

Carson was ahead of him in the redressing race and leaving his now pulled up jeans undone and resting on his hips he dashed into the bathroom, returning with a damp towel.

‘Don’t panic, Evan,’ Carson told him calmly as he wiped Evan clean. ‘You haven’t done anything wrong.’ 

Evan watched Carson, his eyes full of fear, ‘Then why does it feel like I have?’

Carson finished his clean up and sighed, looking up at Evan sadly. ‘Because ye love him I guess,’ he shrugged. ‘Go on. Go tae him and sort this out before he has an aneurysm.’

‘Carson...’ Evan started to protest.

‘Go on. Away with ye. It was one blow job, Evan. A very good one I may add but we both got what we wanted from it.’

Evan paused for a moment longer searching Carson’s eyes, trying to read his friend, only to find the kindly blue eyes and dimpled smile of encouragement.

Carson stepped away from Evan and gave him a gentle nudge towards the door, ‘Go on now.’

Evan leaned forward, held Carson’s jaw gently with one hand and softly kissed his lips. ‘Thank you,’ he whispered against the kiss he’d just left.

Evan drew back and fastened his BDU’s, gave Carson one last look and quickly left.

Carson, sat on the edge of his bed, threw the soiled towel with more force than was necessary across the room. ‘Ye bloody idiot!’ he muttered to himself.


	19. Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title borrowed from Rodgers and Hart musical Pal Joey.  
> \----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rodney kept his head down, face still burning scarlet, as he hurried through the corridors back to Evan’s quarters - the whole way alternatively fighting off vivid mental snapshots of the scene he’d just burst in on and conjured images of what was happening minutes before his faux par. Every picture brought with it a gut wrenching pain twisting his insides, making his breath catch.

Urgently running his hand over the door crystals, Rodney rushed into Evan’s room before the door had even finished opening, he headed straight through to the bathroom and splashed cooling water over his heated face. 

With shaking hands he leant on the basin as emotions crashed over him; head bowed heavy with guilt, his shoulders tense with anger, the cold water dripped from the tip of his nose and chin as his mind spun at the strength of the hurt and betrayal he felt. 

Looking up into the mirrored door of the medicine cabinet Rodney studied his reflection, eyes clouded with confusion stared back at him. ‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ he asked himself.

‘Mer!’ 

Rodney felt his stomach flip flop at Evan’s breathless call as he burst into the main room. 

Grabbing a towel from the rail Rodney quickly dried his face and went to stand in the doorway leading out into the main room. 

Evan stood in the center of the room, hair standing out in soft brown tufts, obviously disheveled from where Carson’s hands had been, his lips were slightly swollen and rosy and there was a flush on his cheeks. Rodney felt the hollow pain in his chest suddenly fill with a molten hot geyser of anger. 

‘Yes?’ Rodney clipped, his chin jutting up in challenge. 

‘I....’ Evan started impotently and faltered at the anger flashing in Rodney’s eyes.

Rodney raised his eyebrows. ‘How eloquent,’ he drawled sarcastically.

‘I’m sorry you walked in on that,’ Evan apologized earnestly. 

‘I should have used the chimes,’ Rodney replied bitterly, not looking at Evan as he stalked past. With angry jerky movements he stuffed the last few items of his clothing still laying on the bed, into a case.

Evan hesitantly walked over, softly taking Rodney’s arm. ‘Mer, please. C’mon, look at me.’

Rodney jerked his arm away angrily as he straightened up. ‘Good God! You smell like a distillery,’ he exclaimed in disgust as the sickly sweet smell of alcohol wafted over him .

‘Carson had a bottle of whiskey?’ Evan shrugged confused.‘Oh, so what? Carson got you drunk and took advantage of you, is that it?’ Rodney spat sarcastically as he zipped his bag with force.

‘No!’ Evan cried incredulously, ‘What the hell Mer?’ He demanded, ‘You walked in on me!’

‘And I apologized!’

‘What is it then? I’m allowed to drink and have sex without your permission.’

‘I never said you couldn't,’ Rodney replied tersely. 

‘Then why are you so pissed at me, Mer?’ Evan yelled in frustration 

‘I’m not!’ Rodney yelled back.

‘It sure as hell sounds like you are,’ Evan shot back.

‘How could you do that to me!’ Rodney burst out without even knowing he was going to say it.

‘Do What Mer? I’m not your boyfriend right! Why does it matter to you who I drink with or have sex with?’ Evan shouted bewilderedly.

‘It doesn’t!’ Rodney snapped in denial even as the hurt dug in deeper .

Evan blinked at him in confusion. ‘Well, you could’a fooled me,’ He said wryly.

‘Well that wouldn't be hard would it, you’re no John Sheppard, it doesn't matter to me if you whore yourself out to the whole base,’ Rodney snapped defensively.

Evan felt the words hit him like a bucket of cold water. ‘Fuck you. I've done nothing wrong. I don’t know what you want from me, Mer but I’m done. I’m just done,’ Evan said. 

‘Ev’ I- I ...’ Rodney started quickly, hands desperately imploring, but his words evaporated at the pain he saw in Evan’s eyes. 

Evan stared at him for a couple of seconds hurt written in every line of his body. ‘Ya know what, as I remember it you were pretty good at fooling John when you wanted to,’ Evan stated flatly and walked out leaving Rodney standing in the middle of the room, letting the door silently slide shut behind him.

~*~

The sound of door chimes roused Carson out of his light doze. Pulling his arm from across his face he pushed up off the bed to answer the persistent visitor.

‘Rodney!’ He exclaimed in surprise when the door slid back. ‘Ahh, did ye want tae come in?’ Carson asked awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck.

‘Um no-no. I err...I just wanted to let you know I’m leaving for Earth and to-err...to say goodbye really. I’m-err- I’m coming back of course. There’s just some things I need to do. Also I wanted to say sorry for barging in earlier,’ Rodney explained quickly, pushing down the anger he felt towards his friend as his mind flashed back to The Scene again. 

‘Rodney, about earlier..’ Carson started.

‘No..Don’t, Carson. Please. It’s none of my business really. Just... look after him okay?’ 

‘Rodney, it’s nae like that.’

Rodney shook his head and looked down the corridor, chewing his lip, wearing misery like a heavy coat.

‘Rodney, I’m worried for ye lad. Why don’t ye let someone go with ye tae Earth.’

‘I’m fine Carson... I need to do this alone.’ Rodney looked back to his friend, ‘You will won’t you?...Look out for him I mean?....I ...I said some things.....some mean and spiteful things that weren't true and he didn't deserve. I -I …..I really hurt him Carson.’

‘Maybe ye should be telling this tae him Rodney.’

‘Believe me he won’t want to see me right now and I don’t blame him,’ Rodney said his voice breaking slightly.

‘I’ll look out for him for ye. Please Rodney, why don’t ye let someone go with ye. ’

Rodney looked down guiltily. ‘I’ll be fine Carson. Well, I’d best be off. They won’t hold the gate, even for me. See you in a few weeks.’‘Rodney,’ Carson called grabbing his friend’s wrist to stop him leaving. ‘Just because ye choose tae live and move on, it doesn't mean ye didn't love John,’ he said kindly.

‘Thank you, Carson,’ Rodney said with a small sad smile.

~*~

Evan sat at his office desk staring blindly at the laptop screen saver.

‘I thought you were suspended.’ The scottish brogue broke through his concentration.

‘I am. I was just....sitting here I guess,’ Evan answered a little vacantly.

‘He’s gone. The gate closed about half hour ago.’

‘I don’t care any more.’ 

‘Aye well, we both know that’s nae true for a kick off,’ Carson said wryly.

‘I can’t do this anymore Carson. I love him more than life but he’ll never give me anything back. I’m never going to be John’’

Carson perched on the desk in front of Evan. ‘I think..’ he started gently, ‘I think, what he walked in on this evening turned everything upside down for him. Our Rodney is very scared and confused right now and he lashed out at ye. I’m not saying what he did was right, I’m just saying give ye’selves some time, is all.’

‘I don’t know how much more I can give, Carson?’ Evan smiled wearily. 

Carson lent over and cupped the back of Evan’s neck with his hand affectionately, gently stroking behind Evan’s ear with his thumb.

‘I've known ye a long time Evan, you've never stopped loving Rodney, I don’t think that’s ever going tae change.’

Evan turned his head and gently kissed the inside of Carson’s forearm then rested his cheek where he’d kissed. ‘I’m sorry Carson,’ he said quietly.

Standing up off the table Carson moved between Evan’s legs and slid his arms around him, cradling his head against his stomach, he felt Evan’s arms wind around his waist. ‘I’m not sorry about what we did, Evan but I’m sorry it ended the way it did.’

He felt Evan nod against him. ‘Same here.’

Carson took a deep breath against the disappointment laying heavy in his heart. ‘I think it’s for the best if we go back tae being just friends, no benefits, don’t ye?’

Evan nodded silently against Carson then, gently holding his waist with both hands, he lent back and looked up at him. ‘You’re an incredible man you know that?’

Carson smiled shyly down at Evan. ‘Ye bloody flirt,’ he joked.

Evan gave a small laugh. ‘I’m serious.’ 

‘Aye, well. I’d best be off. I’m on the early shift tomorrow,’ Carson said, changing the subject quickly.

Sitting back in his chair Evan let go of Carson and studied his friend briefly before smiling with resignation, ‘I’ll see you around tomorrow then Doc.’

‘Aye, Colonel,’ Carson smiled back sadly and turned to leave,‘Ye will at that,’ he called over his shoulder as he left the office.


	20. Letting Go.

Walking into his hotel room with a sigh of relief, Rodney dropped his case and let the door swing shut heavily behind him. 

Getting out of The Mountain had been a chore which left him feeling drained and on edge - everyone around him had been either; fussing, overly polite, incredibly awkward or stand offish in varying degrees. It had grated on his already frayed nerves until he’d lost his temper at a nosey nurse and made her cry. 

Surprisingly, considering their past differences, it had been Daniel Jackson who’d intervened; smoothing ruffled feathers with his easy innate calm, he’d tactfully steered Rodney away from the scene to his office where they’d worked quietly, far from prying eyes and grating questions. Finally, hours later, Rodney had been given the all clear and allowed to leave The Mountain. He’d politely thanked Daniel for his hospitality and thought nothing more of it. 

It wasn’t until Rodney had been squashed into his second airplane of the day and in the air heading for Canada that he’d remembered Sha’re and it dawned on him that perhaps Daniel was being more than just diplomatic and had a better idea, more than anyone else, of what he’d been through. 

Now, he was alone in his generic hotel suite sitting on the small couch as torrential rain poured down in the darkness outside, everything felt off. 

The space around him felt too big and empty but it was suffocating at the same time. Rodney could feel his heartbeat thumping against his chest and breathing getting quicker as his mind started to float away to a dark, damp, smelly remote corridor...

Rodney stood up abruptly, trying to slow his breathing as he switched on the small flat screen TV with a shaking hand, cranking the volume right up.

‘There’s a black couch, a glass coffee table, a-a black bed, a-a bedside table, a lamp-a clock-a picture of..-of...something on the wall.’ he desperately mumbled, trying to ground himself. ‘There’s a kitchenette, a fridge....’ Rodney lunged for the fridge, yanking the door open he grabbed at the chilled coke cans for the icy sensation to anchor him to reality but everything was getting too fuzzy. ‘T-there’s a shelf....a-a-a bottle...a..ohgod....a ....’ and he felt himself slip away.

~*~  
John lay limply in his arms, head rolling back on his neck as Rodney rocked them both. He could hear feet thundering down the corridor and the tinny scratch of voices emitting from his earwig. Help was on it’s way.

Rodney gently lay his husband back down on the sodden floor, cupping John’s head protectively against the hard concrete, wet dark strands of unruly hair coiling around his gentle fingers.

‘It’s going to be okay, John. It’s going to be fine.’ he said nodding to himself while resuming pressure on his husband’s wounds,‘They’re nearly here. It’s going to be fine baby.’ 

Dark blood was pooling between his fingers, making a little rivers that trickled between his knuckles, over the back of his already bloody hands, curving down his wrist and around his forearm.

‘Rodney! I need ye to move ye hands lad. Now!’ Rodney heard Carson say with urgent authority.

He felt someone grab his shoulders firmly and pull him away from John as someone else stepped in front of him.

‘NO! nono-I need to be with him-I need to-to-to-to.’ Rodney begged.

People swarmed around John blocking his husband from his view, urgent orders echoed over each other as organised chaos replaced the deathly silence of the corridor. 

‘I have to..,’ Rodney whimpered trying to crawl forward but someone pulled him back again; Evan came into view crouched in front of him, Ronan and towering behind with a nurse.

‘Mer!’ 

Rodney knew Evan was holding his shoulders but he couldn’t really feel it, then there was a little jolt as Evan shook him once. 

‘Mer, listen to me! You gotta let the Doc work, there’s nothing more you can do.’ Evan said reasonably although he sounded muffled and far away.

Even though he didn’t really want to agree Rodney felt himself nod dumbly.

‘He’s in shock.’ Rodney heard Evan’s voice float around his ears.

‘C’mon McKay, we need to get you some attention.’ Ronan was saying as his large gentle hands scooped under Rodney’s armpits and carefully helped him to stand.

Rodney helplessly watched his husband and the team of medical staff working on him rush down the corridor and out of sight as a blanket was pulled around his shivering shoulders by Evan. 

~*~

Blinking in confusion Rodney took in his surroundings. He was sitting on the floor again. Didn’t he just stand up? The floor was cool, hard white tiles making his buttocks numb and his leg muscles ache from being at an angle. He didn’t feel cold and wet any more, he was warm and dry. 

It was bright too. There was sunlight streaming in through a big window framed by heavy cream curtains. A sleek black TV was blaring infomercials into a room with a small black couch and a large neatly made bed. Beside him was a can of coke laying on it’s side and the fridge door was hanging open. 

On Earth. Hotel. He was in his hotel room.

Breathing slowly and deeply Rodney struggled off the floor, he felt completely wrung out.

Staggering over to the bed, Rodney lay down on his side and dragged one of the pillows over to hug and wished silently that Evan was with him.

~*~

For the next four days Rodney stayed in bed, ate room service and watched TV. On the fourth day he phoned Jeannie who turned out to be on vacation in Florida. Someone from Atlantis had already informed her of John’s death, probably Evan because as far as Rodney knew Jeannie and Evan still kept in contact. Rodney insisted that she stay where she was after she offered of cut her family vacation short and fly out to see him, after all there was nothing she could do. Besides, he was going to be busy for the foreseeable future.

The following day Rodney went out and purchased top of the range computer parts to construct exactly what he needed to execute his plan. The next 3 weeks were spent carefully executing said plan. Once his adventures in cyberspace were finished there was only one thing left to do, say one last goodbye to his husband.

~*~

Unlike most things, John hadn’t talked much about his relationship with his brother. There was a quiet sadness surrounding the subject that Rodney sensed ran deep within his husband and some instinct told him not to rake over those coals too hard.  
One cool evening sitting out on their secluded balcony, Rodney nestled between his husband’s thighs, head resting back against his chest as John’s hand soothingly smoothed his hair back, John had admitted he and his brother were like chalk and cheese and it was just easier to tolerate each other from afar. Hearing the pain and regret in his husband’s voice at such a small admission convinced Rodney those coals were better left where they were.  
Consequently Rodney had never actually met or even spoken to David Sheppard.

It hadn’t taken Rodney long to track down the Sheppard Estate, it had taken him substantially longer to work up enough courage to get in his car and drive to the sprawling residence. 

Now, standing on the stoop of the main entrance stairs, Rodney nervously smoothed down his dress shirt then pulled the iron bell lever. An ever-so-polite tinkle echoed from behind the imposing carved oak double doors as he waited patiently.

After a few long seconds one huge door slowly opened wide revealing a small rotund woman, dressed in a simple slate grey dress and starched white apron, her jet black hair pulled back tightly into a no-nonsense bun. Behind her lay an expansive entrance hall of shiny walnut wood flooring, a sweeping staircase, carved oak wall panelling and an ostentatious chandelier.

‘Good Afternoon Sir. Who should I say is calling?’ she asked politely in a clipped English accent which echoed slightly.

‘Yes of course,’ Rodney muttered absently, pulling his attention away from the grandeur revealed to him. Knowing John’s family were wealthy was completely different to being confronted with it. ‘Dr Meredith Rodney McKay, I’m a friend of Mr Sheppard’s late brother.’ Rodney explained cautiously.

The lady faltered a little at his introduction but remained composed for the most part and gave him a warm smile as she drew the door to.

Rodney clapped his hands and rubbed them together anxiously, rocking back and forth on his heels, a film of nervous sweat breaking out over his forehead.

Eventually the large oak door was pulled open again - this time with a force greater than the small woman could ever hope to muster. A tall, chiseled jawed, athletically built man, dressed in an expensive dark blue suit stepped out onto the top of the stoop, drawing the door to behind him.

Rodney swallowed nervously and held out his hand in greeting ‘Hello, I’m..’

‘I know who you are.’ The man cut him off sharply ignoring the proffered hand. 

‘Yes, of course you do.’ Rodney said with a nervous laugh, dropping his hand and waving it in the direction the woman had stood, ‘The-the maid, of course.’ 

David Sheppard’s cold blue eyes brimmed with disdain as he studied Rodney, ‘What are you doing here?’

Rodney raised his chin defensively, ‘I wonder maybe if we might take this inside.’

‘I don’t think that’ll be necessary. Why exactly are you here Dr McKay?' David Sheppard demanded.

‘I-um, it’s my understanding that John was laid to rest in a family mausoleum on your estate, I-I wondered if I might pay my respects? ’

‘No, you may not Dr McKay.’ David Sheppard stated bluntly, devoid compassion. 

‘It would just take a few minutes and I’d be out of your hair.’ Rodney explained desperately, feeling panic start to rise in his chest.

‘My brother was laid to rest some time ago. For god’s sake let him rest in peace. Good Day.’ he said sharply, turning back to the door.

‘Wait! Please, you don’t understand.’ Rodney begged.

David Sheppard turned back slowly, ‘Oh I understand perfectly well Dr McKay. I understand that you and your kind were nothing but trouble for my brother.’ he spat, a snarl of disgust curling his thin lip.

‘My kind?’ Rodney echoed and took step back, stunned by the waves of hate rolling off John’s brother.

‘Yes Dr McKay, you’re kind; Homo’s! Homosexuals! Gays! Whatever you call yourselves nowadays.’ he explained, the words dripping with contempt.

‘I have a right...’ Rodney started to argue angrily.

‘You have no rights Dr McKay.’ David Sheppard shouted, furiously pointing at Rodney before composing himself again, ‘My brother was American.’ He began again in a calmer voice but still laced in bitter bile. ‘Gay marriage isn’t recognised in his home state. Therefore your so called ‘marriage’ is not legally recognised in Canada. Don’t you think you’ve done enough damage to my family with your ….perversions? Please don’t come here again. Now, leave before I have you forcibly removed from my property.’ he snarled, his voice shaking with anger, then disappeared back inside the mansion slamming the door shut behind him.

Rodney was left shaken and distraught on the steps of the elaborate mansion. In a daze he turned to leave but as indignant rage boiled through his veins he turned back, stormed up to the door and hammered on the intricately carved wood with his fists; this time there was no answer.

The silence infuriated him even more and he banged harder. ‘You homophobic bastard! I have a right to-to-to-pay my respects.’ Rodney screamed, hammering with all his might. ‘He WAS my HUSBAND! You have no right to do this! No right at all!’

‘Please!’ Rodney begged breathlessly leaning against the unforgiving wood, ‘I just want to say goodbye one last time. Please! I’ll never come again, just let me see him once. Please, I’m begging you, I’ll pay you, I’ll do anything. I just-I just need to say goodbye.’ Rodney sobbed. Exhausted he stopped pounding the door as the pain from his bloodied bruised fist finally broke through his distress.

‘Sir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave the property now.’ a voice boomed from behind him.

Rodney turned to see a large security guard ascending the steps of the house.

‘You don’t understand, let me explain, I just need a few minutes..’ Rodney started desperately.

‘There’s nothing to explain Sir.’ the guard cut him off, taking a firm hold of Rodney’s arm and started to move him away from the door.

‘No-no-no.’ Rodney protested trying to turn back to the door and pull out of the guard’s grasp at the same time.

‘Sir! Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’ the guard said wearily as he wrangled with Rodney, trying to pull him away from the front door.

‘Get your hands off me.’ Rodney yelled desperately, lashing out the guard with his free hand.

In a split second the guard had both Rodney’s arms behind his back and cold steel cuffs were being snapped on.

‘I’m sorry Sir, I was instructed if you didn’t leave quietly I had to do this. I’m arresting you for trespassing.’

‘But you don’t understand....’ Rodney implored.

‘Oh I do sir but I have a job to do.’ he said leading a struggling Rodney down to his security van and gently depositing him in the back seat.

~*~

Rodney sat quietly in the old fashioned cell of the small local police station, hunched over, elbows resting on his knees and his bruised gauze wrapped hands covering his face, inside despair, humiliation and fury competed for control.

A rapping on the metal bars and a gruff ‘McKay’ made him look up, only to find the pissed off face of General O’Neill staring at him.

‘Jack!’ Rodney said in surprise, leaving his uncomfortable steel bench to go over and stand in front of the General. ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I dunno, ask Daniel. You certainly know how to cause a hubbub McKay.’ Jack drawled. Rodney just looked down at the floor.

You doin’ okay?’ he asked with what passed for concern with Jack.

Rodney fidgeted trying to hide his hands futilely then gave up, ‘No, not really...’

A police officer entered the room, briefly acknowledged General O’Neill and released Rodney from his cell.

‘Let’s go McKay.’ Jack said as he guided Rodney out of the police station into his waiting jeep.

‘So, you wanna tell me what you were doing beating your fists to a bloody pulp on David Sheppard’s front door?’ Jack asked casually after the silence had stretched out for a few miles.

Rodney stared down at his bandaged hands then across at Jack who was intently concentrating on the road in front of him.

‘John was laid to rest in a family mausoleum on their estate; I...I just wanted to say goodbye; I’m ready now.’ Rodney explained as he watched the scenery speed by, what was it with pilots and dangerously fast driving?

Jack spared Rodney a sympathetic glance, ‘I get that. It takes time. So, what happened?’ he asked pulling into the parking lot of Rodney’s hotel, he cut the engine and looked across at Rodney.

‘He basically said that perverts like me had caused John nothing but trouble, that we weren’t legally married and therefore I’m not entitled to visit the mausoleum.’ Rodney recounted numbly.

‘Huh!’ Jack said jumping out the jeep.’Really!’

Rodney followed him out of the underground parking lot and the hotel, then led Jack up to his room where he fumbled awkwardly with the keycard until he got the little green light.

Striding through the door and over to the large picture windows, with the glorious view of a drive through ATM, Jack drew the curtains and set up a jamming device while Rodney clumsily made them both a coffee.

‘Mind if I use your bathroom?’ Jack asked.

‘Knock yourself out.’ Rodney replied wearily, dropping down onto the couch. He nursed his coffee carefully in his aching hands and laid his head back on the soft cushions. 

After a while he realised Jack had been in the bathroom an inordinately long time and concern started to itch at the back of his mind.

‘Jack?’ he called out, ‘Are you okay?’

When he received no answer Rodney carefully put his coffee cup down on the low glass table, went over to the bathroom door and listened for any signs of movement.

‘Jack?’ he called again,when all he heard was silence he tapped the door with his boot a couple of times.

The door flew open suddenly, startling Rodney, to reveal Jack holding a large torch.

‘Where the hell did you get that from?’ Rodney demanded.

‘The Daedalus.’ Jack replied casually, as if it was the most normal thing on Earth.

Grasping a confused Rodney by the arm Jack looked at him with mischief sparkling in his eyes and said, ‘Brace yourself McKay.’

Rodney felt that ice cold then hot tingling sensation of his atoms being transported instantaneously and found himself and Jack on the bridge of the Deadalus.

‘All set Sir?’ Caldwell asked from the bridge.

‘Going down please Colonel.’ Jack smiled wickedly as Caldwell rolled his eyes.

Rodney looked at Jack with even more confusion, ‘Where the hell are we going?’

‘To say goodbye.’ Jack answered softly.

~*~

‘Huh! I expected it to be darker’ Jack whispered.

They’d reappeared in a large white marble room. Stained glass windows, set high in the thick cold walls, cast a patchwork of jeweled reflections over the spotless marble canvas. Around the edges of the room stood several large white marble crypts with grey engraved plates on the side facing out into the room. In the centre of the room, set back to back in pairs, were four white marble benches.

Jack was already moving around the room reading the name plates as Rodney watched in stunned silence.

‘McKay.’ Jack called in a hushed voice, beckoning Rodney over to a crypt at the far end of the room.

Rodney started and slowly walked down to join Jack in front of crypt which had a withered wreath of dried dusky roses adorning its lid.

‘We only have a couple of minutes.’ Jack whispered in warning then retreated back to the centre of the room to sit on one of the cold benches.

Rodney crouched down to read the plaque; it simply stated John’s name, date of birth and death along with, ‘Beloved Brother, Son and Uncle’. Swallowing hard around the emotions tightening his throat painfully, Rodney ran his fingers over the cold words.

‘And Husband and friend.’ he added the missing titles in a whisper, sitting on the step of the crypt and resting his cheek and hand against the cold stone.

‘I know this is stupid...that you’re not really here...but I just wanted to talk to you... I just wanted to tell you.....I miss you so much; It’s been so hard John; There were times I just didn’t want to wake up; Carson and Evan have been looking out for me so don’t worry. Evan barely lets me out of his sight. I think he knows how close I was to..........I think he understands; I think I still have feelings for him John. I’m sorry. Do you mind? I’ll always love you, always - but I’m not going to make it if I don’t let you go and I think it’s......... I think it’s ok to let go now.’

‘Rodney.’ Jack whispered a kindly warning from his seat.

Rodney nodded, swallowed down his emotion again and stood up sighing shakily, taking John’s dog tag out of his pocket, he kissed it softly then placed it on top of the crypt.

‘I love you, goodbye John.’ he whispered, hot tears escaping down his cheeks. Taking a deep breath he returned to where Jack was now standing. Wiping his face with his bandaged hand he gave Jack a watery smile, ‘Ready’ he said determinedly and felt the General hold his arm.

They briefly appeared on the bridge of the Daedalus again only to reappear back in Rodney’s hotel room moments later.

They both stood in silence for a moment until Jack leaned over and squeezed one of Rodney’s shoulders ‘Okay?’ he asked, bending his head to look Rodney in the eyes.

Rodney gave a small smile, ‘I’m getting there. Thanks Jack. You have no idea how much that meant.’

Jack dropped his hand from Rodney’s shoulder, ‘Oh I think I do. Well! My work here is done McKay. There’s papers need signing and stuff like that.’ he said making a fleeting gesture with his hand.

‘Sounds important.’ Rodney smiled.

‘Oh it is McKay,’ Jack said as he walked to the door, ‘You want Mint Choc-chip in Atlantis then I’m ya man!’

Rodney laughed.

‘McKay’ Jack called turning back from the door, ‘Just one more tiny thing.....you wouldn’t happen to know anything about leaked information concerning the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff’s affair with his intern would ya? ‘Cause from what I’ve heard he’s in hell of a lot of hot water with his wife?’’ 

Rodney, shook his head innocently.

‘Huh? …... Rumour also has it all his bank accounts were frozen too. Nothing about that either huh? How about all his ID’s being reissued as General Shithole Holland....I gotta admit I’d like to shake the hand of whoever did that one?’ Jack grinned.

‘Not a clue.’ Rodney said and offered his hand to Jack.


	21. Tailspin

Even as the white hot sun sank down behind the tree line the blistering heat of the day lingered. A heat haze shimmered over the vibrant orange dirt road turning the vista ahead of them into a living Monet landscape, all the while a sultry breeze rippled in waves across fields of what looked like purple sage. The tac-vest Evan wore was getting heavier with every mile; he shifted it a little, attempting to put some space between the vest and his sweat soaked uniform which was adhered to his cloyingly slick skin. Things were beginning to chafe. 

When Teyla had requested medical assistance in the early hours, at the new Athosian settlement on this planet, he hadn’t hesitated in agreeing. He had however, in her absence, forgotten Teyla’s capacity for understatement and ‘an uncomfortable climate this time of year’ had to be one of her biggest yet, closely followed by ‘...the settlement is not far from the Gate’.   
How anything could grow, let alone flourish, in this heat was beyond him. Once they reported back the Agronomists were going to be chomping at the bit to arrange a field trip and take samples of the crops and soil. Well, he’d be damned if his team would be making the return journey. 

As Lieutenant Reed, Major Rutherford and Doctor Beckett trudged wearily back to the gate in silence behind him, Evan could almost hear Mer’s voice, with each laborious step they took, complaining about the risks of developing a melanoma. It made him smile sadly to himself. He fiercely missed the man and his anxious chatter creating a soundtrack to their missions. Weeks had passed since the Scientist left for Earth and there was no word about when or if he might be returning. Evan tried not to dwell on it, ignored the dull ache in his chest and the increasingly sombre cloud that followed him. He’d tried over and over to convince himself he didn’t care anymore but it felt as though he were missing a limb and everything was slightly off kilter. Every morning was a battle to even get up and falling asleep had become a monumental task. Nowadays it was an effort to laugh and the fake smiles he kept producing were starting to feel like a well worn china mask. 

Resolutely he turned his mind back to the hike, Evan wiped a hand across the back of his sweat soaked neck then yanked the brim of his cap down a little further. He knew it was a vain attempt to hide from the fading sunlight but his head was throbbing harder now than when he’d been rudely awoken in the early hours by Teyla’s call and had crawled off Radek’s couch after only a couple of hours sleep. Maybe instead of drowning in that bottle of Gut Rot the night before he should have used it to trade for sunglasses,or he shouldn’t have lost his own in that game of poker, then he wouldn’t be having to deal with a hangover in this heat and constantly squinting. 

A sudden wave of nausea rose up from the unsettled pit of his stomach and stopped Evan abruptly in his tracks - he stood and prayed the lack of movement would quell the eruption threatening to happen.

‘Colonel?’ Lieutenant Reed queried with solicitude from the back of their formation.

Evan waved Reed’s concern away, desperately trying to control the urge to throw up, ‘Just gimme a minute,’ he said quickly, swallowing mouthfuls of saliva, fighting to keep the contents of his stomach where it belonged.

Carson stepped in front of him, concern creasing his brow, ‘Colonel?’

At which point Evan lost the fight as his stomach revolted with determined vigor and he threw up over Carson. He could hear the groans of dismay and disgust of Lieutenant Reed and Major Rutherford behind them while Carson stoically ignored the fact he was covered in vomit.

Evan’s world spun sharply as he lost his equilibrium, only managing to stay upright because Carson grabbed his forearm.

‘Colonel, just take a seat. Sit down here.’ Carson instructed, as Evan felt himself guided down to the hard baked earth. Gratefully accepting the offered canteen he washed his mouth out a couple of times while he gained his composure.

‘D’ye have a headache Colonel?’

‘Yeah Doc, but I don’t think it has anything to do with the heat,’ Evan replied wryly.

Carson’s lips tightened into a thin angry line as he glared down at Evan. ‘Aye, an’ I have a bone tae pick with ye about that lad,’ he said tightly. 

Evan felt his arm get pulled out straight, none too gently, and Carson pinch the skin on the back of his hand into a peak a couple of times, ‘Ow! Doc!’ he complained trying to pull his hand back.

‘Och shut up ye big baby!’ Carson admonished as he took Evan’s heart rate. ‘I think ye just a wee bit dehydrated, keep sipping that water and let’s get ye back tae the infirmary for a blood test an’ see what ye levels are like. Do ye feel ready tae walk.’

‘Yeah Doc, I’m fine,’ Evan replied testily, more than aware of the eyes of his Major and Lieutenant on his back. Even if he didn’t feel better there was no way in hell he was sitting on his butt with Carson fussing over him for any longer than was necessary. 

Calling his bluff, Carson looked down pointedly at his vomit covered tac vest then back at Evan.

Evan rolled his eyes. ‘Okay, yeah. I’m not fine. Lets just get back to the gate Doc,’ he grumbled, pushing himself unsteadily to his feet while reluctantly letting Carson support him, ‘Rutherford, take point. Reed, take our six,’ he ordered.

The team continued their slow trudge back to the gate, a watchful Carson at Evan’s side, it was a blessed relief for all four when they stepped into the cool event horizon and out into the climate controlled gate room.

‘Colonel. Dr Beckett,’ Elizabeth called sharply from the balcony, taking in Carson’s ruined uniform she raised a questioning eyebrow, ‘Everything went well I hope?’   
Ever since the confrontation in her office they’d noticed her demeanor exuded a cold censure like the sublimation of dry ice.

‘Aye, apart from the Colonel here getting dehydrated on the way back. The Athosian’s have a wee set of twins, the first in two generations.’ Carson beamed up at her proudly . ‘I hope ye didn’t mind us staying behind Elizabeth? I just wanted tae make sure everything went without a hitch.’

‘Not at all Dr Becket. I’ll expect your report on my desk by tomorrow morning. Gentlemen.’ Elizabeth gave a tight nod in parting and sequestered herself back into her office.

‘My infirmary, now!’ Carson ordered looking directly at Evan.

‘Like I have a choice,’ Evan grumbled good naturedly. 

‘Aye, it was not a request Colonel,’ Carson called over his shoulder as he marched off to the infirmary.

Evan handed off his P-90 and tac-vest to a mildly amused marine and followed after Carson to the infirmary. A nurse settled him in a discreet cubicle while Carson changed in his office.  
After peeling off his saturated uniform Evan changed into the scrubs left for him, then crawled wearily up onto the bed. His head was still pounding like a kettle drum but at least he didn’t feel quite so sick any more.

He must have dozed off because the next he knew, the curtain to his cubicle was whipped back and Carson strode in with his little blood drawing kit.

‘Doc there’s really no need,’ Evan appealed.

‘Oh aye, there isn’t is there?’ Carson held his eyes hard, ‘So ye tellin’ me that if I draw some blood the results are nae goin’ tae reveal your blood alcohol is at an unacceptable level?’

Evan felt his guilt eating into his confident resolve like acid and looked away from his friend’s penetrating stare.

‘Radek let slip that he’s given ye three bottles in the past week son.’ Carson watched Evan’s expressionless face staring at the curtains, ‘Evan, this has been goin’ on for weeks, it isn’t anyway tae deal with it. What ye did today was dangerous an’ foolhardy an’ had it been anyone other than the Athosians an’ somethin had gone awry ye’d have been in no state tae ...’

‘Nothing happened! I had it under control,' Evan snapped angrily.

‘Evan, ye goin’ tae have tae promise me ye’ll stop. I’ll help ye, but if ye don’t then I’m going tae have tae report it and make a note on ye record lad,’ Carson explained regretfully, ignoring Evan’s blatant lie, ‘There’s too many lives at stake. Yours included.’

Closing his eyes Evan felt his shame overwhelm the maelstrom of emotions Mer had left in his wake. He just silently nodded.

‘If ye nae comfortable with me treatin’ ye, I’d understand Evan,’ Carson whispered kindly, ‘Marie could..’

‘No, Doc,’ Evan denied sotto voce, ‘We’re fine Carson, really... unless you’re not...’

‘Och, don’t be a dunce. I’m fine with it as long as ye don’t mind me coddlin’ ye a bit more than normal.’ He smiled guiltily,‘ Now c’mon, give me ye arm.’

Evan patiently let Carson draw his blood then rehydrate him with an IV. The sharp sting of needles felt like a sweet relief from the emotions constantly gnawing away at him. He ate when he was told to and was relieved he was discharged while Carson was busy in surgery.

~*~

It had been a long, hot, dirty day off world. The first thing Evan did when he got back to his quarters was shower and put on some soft comfortable boxer shorts. The second thing he did was pull out his laptop and check his emails. As usual there was nothing. Well, nothing from the one person he wanted to hear from and the crashing disappointment that always followed made him feel like a 14 year old girl. Discarding the laptop on the desk he lay back on the bed and covered his face with his hands, taking in a large gulp of air.

It wasn’t working. This wasn’t the plan. He’d said he was done and thought he’d meant it too. This was what he’d wanted right? He’d had every intention of moving on, of forgetting Meredith Rodney McKay but the best he’d managed was jamming all his feelings down and drowning them in alcohol. On the outside he pretended he was fine, even made a disastrous attempt at a one night stand with Dr Parrish, he feigned indifference with his friends whenever he could, aided with heavy drinking sessions and poker games. The cold hard truth was, he was miserable.

Evan turned over and mentally flicked out the lights letting the emptiness of the night envelope him. As images and sense memories of a warm solid body next to him flooded back, he slid a hand out across the cool sheets to an empty space. Mer was three million light years away. He was gone; and it was starting to look like he wasn’t coming back. He’d lost the love of his life a long time ago but now it looked like he’d lost his friend as well and it was too much. Evan gripped the sheet hard in his fist, clenched his jaw painfully trying to drown out the emotional sting lancing through his chest, he pulled in a deep shuddering breath through his nose and let it out slowly.

Turning onto his back, away from the empty space, Evan stared into the darkness as memories taunted him. This was not what he wanted. What he wanted was three million miles away. 

He snapped the lights back on full, rolled off the bed and stalked over to his closet. He snatched his dark blue jeans - yanked them on over his shorts, pulled on a long sleeved black tee and shoved his cold bare feet into his unlaced boots.

Evan hurried through the sleepy corridors, restlessness and heartache biting at his heels until he came to a halt in front of the Oceanographic Studies labs and let himself in. Doctors McNab and Moore were seated at their usual makeshift poker table along with Doctor Parrish and Doctor Baxter. 

‘Colonel Lorne! C’mon in,’ Gerald Baxter welcomed, beckoning him over to the table, ‘Pull up a seat. You want in?’ 

‘Sure,’ Evan replied, pulling over a chair as the guys at the table shuffled around to make room. ‘As long as you promise not to start talking bugs and insects, Gerry,’ Evan joked as he took his seat.

‘Here! Here!’ McNab and Moore toasted in agreement and knocked back their shots.

Gerry gave them all a look of mock offence, ‘If that’s the case then all marine, biology and military related subjects are taboo as well.’

‘Sounds fair to me,’ McNab stated as he dealt the cards again, this time including Evan.

Evan collected his cards and studied his hand. This was what he needed, some mindless talk, some crappy hands of poker and a few drinks with the guys. Laying in his room thinking about what he’d lost and how much it hurt was not doing him any favours. If Mer wasn’t coming back, nothing he could say or do would change it …...but God! He missed him so much.

‘Colonel, doesn’t matter how hard you stare at those cards they ain’t gonna get any better,’ Gerry joked.

‘From the look on your face you need a shot to accompany that hand!’ McNab said pouring Evan a large shot of Gut Rot.

Smiling his thanks Evan picked up his shot, ‘With this hand I’m gonna need it,’ he said knocking back his drink and letting them think his bad hand was the cause of his introspection.

‘Aren’t you on duty tomorrow Colonel?’ Parrish asked, giving Evan a hard accusatory look.

‘Aaahhhh Dave, you killjoy, let the man relax,’ McNab admonished, and threw an empty Cracker Jack box between the two men currently locked in a stare-off.

‘Thanks for your concern, David but I’m not on duty until tomorrow afternoon,’ Evan stated with an unnecessary politeness.

‘See!’ McNab said pouring Evan another shot, ‘He’s homefree.’

Ignoring Parrish’s disapproval, Evan downed his second shot and concentrated on his cards.

Three hours later Evan was down: four jumper trips to various locations on the mainland, one art lesson, and two half hour sessions of playing light switch for the scientists. Now, he was finding it hard to stop the numbers on his cards from moving around.

‘Sooooooo Ger’ry, how far d’you get with Katie Br’wn?’ McNab slurred.

‘I don’ kiss ‘n tell,’ Gerry said blushing from his cheeks to his ears.

‘I’sss not the kissing we want to hear about Ger’ry.’ McNab leered, nudging Evan’s arm with his elbow a little too hard. Evan’s arm, which was propped up on the table holding his chin while he tried to focus on his cards, gave way and he nearly face planted onto the table. This seemed to be the funniest thing ever and Evan couldn’t stop giggling.

‘I like her ‘kay! She’s a l’dy!’ Gerry asserted defensively over the laughter.

‘I’m going to ask Dr Cole out for dinner.’ Moore said determinedly when they’d all composed themselves.

‘Yeah, yeah, yeah.’ McNab and Baxter said in unison then looked at each other and dissolved into laughter again.

‘You’ve been saying that for six months.’ Baxter reminded Moore, once he’d recovered again.

‘Yeah well, this time I mean it,’ Moore said affronted.

‘Wha’ever, y’re too chicken shit,’ taunted McNab, throwing down another card and watching it skid across the width of the table.

Moore squinted at his cards, ‘Maybe it’s for the best if I don’t. I mean look at McKay.’ 

Evan’s head whipped up at the mention of Mer’s name and Parrish gave him a warning look.

‘Poor bastard.’ McNab commiserated, ‘Could’a happened to any of us. He’s half the man he w’s before. Not that he w’s much of one in the first place,’ he laughed spitefully.

Evan felt the anger simmering inside explode - he launched himself across the table, shot glasses smashing to the floor and cards fleeing, grabbed McNab by the throat and lifted him out of his seat, ‘Take that back you piece of shit,’ he spat through his teeth. McNab’s wide wild eyes were starting to water as he tried to loosen Evan’s hand on his throat.

‘Evan!’ Parrish was pulling him back and shouting at him while the other two scientists stood staring in shock. 

The red mist faded suddenly from his vision and Evan quickly released the throat he was holding. ‘oh god....sorry-sorry...,’ he stuttered vacantly.

McNab just nodded, suddenly much more sober than he had been, and held his throat.

Parrish grabbed Evan’s arm and pulled him away from the now coughing McNab who was massaging his throat while his colleagues checked up on him.

‘What the hell was that! Are you trying to out yourself to the entire Base?’ Parrish hissed.

‘I wasn’t thinking.’ Evan slurred his horrified eyes still on McNab who was looking better by the second.

‘No shit!’ Parrish laughed without humour. ‘What is wrong with you Evan?’

Evan pulled his gaze away from the huddle of scientists and could feel his eyes burning.

‘Oh Christ!’ Parrish muttered tiredly as he discreetly turned Evan so his back was to the other men, ‘I think it’s time I saw the Colonel home, see you guys tomorrow.’ 

‘You need a hand?’ Baxter asked worriedly.

‘No, no. We’re fine. I think i can handle the big bad Colonel here. Night guys.’ David called over his shoulder.

Evan didn’t remember the walk back from the Oceanography labs to his room but he was sitting on his bed, in his boxer shorts, holding a cup of coffee while David Parrish folded his clothes into a neat pile.

‘Did you undress me?’ Evan asked quietly, cocking his eyebrow.

‘Don’t get all coy on me now, Evan - it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.’

‘Thanks. Do you think they’ll put it together?’ he asked worriedly, putting his coffee down on the beside table.

David rolled his eyes, ‘Well let me see,’ he pondered dramatically, ticking off on his fingers, ‘They know McKay is gay. They know he’s been staying with you, you just threw yourself across a table and nearly choked a man in some drunken misguided attempt to defend McKay’s honour, so yes. I think the genius scientists might put it together.’

Evan covered his face with his hands, ‘Shit Shit. SHIT!’ he shouted into his palms.

David sat down on the bed next to Evan and put a consoling arm around his shoulders, ‘Relax my besotted little dish, I don’t think they’ll say anything. I’ll have a discreet word with them but you got lucky this time, they’re good guys. Plus, you probably scared the shit out of them anyway,’ he joked.

Evan snorted a laugh.

‘You can’t keep doing this,‘ David said seriously, ‘I’m worried about you. Radek’s worried about you.’ 

‘I’m fine. I’ll get it together,’ Evan assured.

David shook his head, ‘Well, for what it’s worth, Evan you’re not making a very good job of it. Is this what the other night was about? You trying to forget McKay?’

‘Yeah,’ Evan shrugged, ‘I guess.’ 

‘Hey I wanted a fuck, you wanted to forget. It would have worked out great if you hadn’t passed out on me.’

Evan winced, ‘Man! I am so sorry about that.’

‘Forget it and I’ll try not to be offended.’ David winked.

‘Goddamn it I miss him.... so much. I just wanna hear from him y’know? Know he’s okay. He was such a mess. He was just starting to ...and then ...we ended up fighting...and I said stuff I thought I meant but I didn’t. I just want him to come home,’ Evan said running his hands through his hair in frustration. 

‘Look,’ David said taking pity on his friend, ‘I’m in contact with Bill Lee at SGC, I’ll see what he knows but, Evan, you’ve got to stop drinking. It’s getting out of hand.’

Evan couldn’t bring himself to look at his friend so he just nodded.

‘Do you have any alcohol here?’

‘Bottom drawer,’ Evan stated, his voice void of any emotion.

David stood looking at Evan’s blank face briefly before looking through the bottom drawers and removing two bottles of Gut Rot, ‘Is there more?’ David asked, staring at Evan facing away from him on the bed, shame weighing his shoulders and head down and bowing his usually proud poker straight back.

‘No.’

‘Okay. I’ll talk to Bill, see what he knows. Don’t worry about the guys, they won’t out you,’ David assured softly, ‘Try and get some rest Evan,’ he asked and kissed him on the cheek as he walked past on his way to the door. 

Evan waited until David was out the door then locked it. Leaning down he reached under the bed and pulled out his last full bottle of Gut Rot, opened it, took a long hard swig, laid back on the bed and turned the lights out. He just needed a little, he thought, he wouldn’t drink it all he promised himself, just enough to dull the ache in his heart, just enough to get to sleep.


	22. Rock Bottom

A distant beeping broke through the thick fog of Evan’s sleep. It meant something; the sound was familiar but boy was it irritating. He turned over, away from the annoying persistent tone and into a soft breeze that smelt like home - like San Francisco Bay. He lay there revelling in its soft calming caresses, letting it seep into his limbs which felt heavy and slow. Come to think of it the rest of him didn’t feel that great either. His mouth was dry and tasted sour, his eyes felt gritty and puffy and if that wasn't enough there was a dull throb in his head which was starting to syncopate with the annoying beeping. ‘Argggh! You have got to be kidding me!’ Evan mumbled croakily to the empty room. Gingerly turning his head in the direction the sound was coming from he opened one eye cautiously against the assault of daylight, blinking away the sunny glare until his eye focused on his comm’. It sat there on the bedside table quite happily beeping away to itself and winking its little red light at him tauntingly. The world fell back into place with sickening speed as realisation crashed into him hard. ‘Shit!’ Evan swore. Suddenly wide awake he scrambled clumsily across the bed, getting twisted up in the sheets and knocking the empty bottle to the floor as he tried to grab his ear piece. He fumbled his communicator onto his ear with one hand as he sat up on the side of the bed, rubbing his eyes with his forefinger and thumb to shift the grit, he tried to clear his throat, ‘Lorne here’ he rasped.

‘Sir?’ Stackhouse replied, ‘ We've been trying to reach you Sir, you’re late for your afternoon meeting. Is everything okay.’

‘It’s fine. I’m fine. I mean ...I was just feeling a little rough.’ Evan floundered, looking around for his watch. ‘I’ll be there in twenty.’

‘Yes Sir. Stackhouse out.’

He pulled his ear piece out, threw it carelessly back on the table and fell back onto the bed until the room stopped spinning. Reluctantly he hauled himself into the shower, changed into a clean uniform and double timed it down to the meeting room in biology. 

By the time he got there various scientists, along with Lieutenant Reed and Major Rutherford, were milling about awaiting his arrival. ‘Sorry to keep you all waiting,’ Evan said as he entered the room. People started drifting away from the refreshment table to take their seats and Evan zeroed in on the coffee pot. Pouring himself a large mug of the steaming black elixir he tried not to heave at the sweet smell of apricot Danishes wafted his way as someone sidled up casually next to him and helped themselves to tea. 

‘You look like shit.’ Parrish said under his breath, ‘You didn't seem that bad when I left.’

‘Yeah....well...’ Evan shrugged and escaped with his coffee to his seat. ‘Right people, let’s kick this meeting off,’ he said with infinitely more enthusiasm than he felt. Along with Reed and Rutherford they detailed the flora, fauna, and terrain they’d encountered on the new Athosian home world and eventually arranged for Major Teldy’s reconnaissance team to accompany a group of scientists back to the planet. Three hours later people started to file out of the meeting room, excitedly speculating on the upcoming mission. Evan just sat there, relieved it was over and gathering the energy to get up. He closed his eyes; the silence in the room was blissful. Exhaustion was pushing its fingers into the muscles of his back making them ache with every breath he took. 

‘You know, if Carson wasn’t on the mainland I’d march you down to the infirmary myself.’ Parrish said, making Evan jump.

Opening his eyes Evan stiffly got up out of his seat and snatched up his tablet, ‘You know what David? I’m not in the mood okay.’

Parrish looked at him challengingly, leaning his hip casually against the table. ‘In the mood for what Evan? I’m just stating a fact. You look like death warmed up, you’re missing meetings, you’re constantly on a short fuse; people are starting to notice.’

‘Yeah well, let ‘em notice,’ Evan said defiantly, slamming his chair under the table and walking out the room. He stormed down to his office and collapsed into his computer chair discarding his tablet on the desk in front of him. ‘Lorne to Stackhouse.’ 

‘Sir?’

‘I’ll be in my office for the rest of the day doing paperwork.’

‘Really! You feelin' okay Sir?’

‘Careful Major.’ Evan growled.

There was a moment’s silence, ‘Sorry Sir. If i need you for anything I know where to find you.’

‘As you were Major. Lorne out.’ Opening his desk drawer Evan fished out his combat ear plugs that he’d separated from his Individual First Aid Kit and changed his comm’ to a private channel, ‘Lorne to Dr Watson,

‘Watson here.’

‘I have that item for trade if you still want it?’

’Yeah! That would be great Colonel. Can I pick them up tonight?’

‘Sure. My quarters, about 2300 hours?’

‘Should be fine. See you then.Watson out.’

Evan took some painkillers and ploughed through overdue paperwork until his eyes were sore then made his way back to his quarters, just in time to meet Dr Watson approaching his door.

‘Hey Watson, c’mon in,’ Evan invited, walking into his quarters. He took the ear plugs from his jacket pocket, which he then threw on the chair, and held the plugs out. ‘Here you go, although I’m not sure why you want them so desperately?’

Watson smiled as he took the plugs. ‘Don’t worry; I’m not blowing anything up. You've obviously never heard Dr Nieves snore, we share a room and cotton wool just isn't enough,’ he laughed,’ Here you go, as promised, one bottle of 100% agave tequila.’ 

‘That’s great, thanks. It’ll make a great present,’ Evan lied, taking the bottle.‘

‘See you round Colonel, and thanks for the good night’s sleep I’m going to get.’

‘You’re welcome.’ Evan called as Watson left the room happy with his trade. He sat down on the bed holding the rounded bottle of golden liquid in one hand; opening his bedside drawer he put the bottle in and closed it with a slam then undressed down to his boxers. 

Evan tried to read for a while but gave up when his mind kept wandering. Instead he curled up on the bed, closed his eyes and drifted into a familiar nightmare of running down a dark damp corridor that went on forever, twisting and turning until he found the body of Rodney McKay, lying in a pool of blood, gaping bullet wounds in his chest and vacant azure eyes staring back at him. The distraught cry that burst its way out of his mouth awoke Evan from his torment. Breathing hard he switched on the lights full and tried to compose himself. Automatically he leaned over and took the bottle of tequila from the drawer, pulled the cork out and hesitated......then drank down the sweet smoky liquid, washing away the remnants of his scream until the burn forced him to take a breath. Moving so he was propped up against the headboard and feeling the drink start to hit his bloodstream he chased the feeling with another swig, everything started to loosen and his mind start to slide into a carefree fog. He grabbed his laptop clumsily and downloaded The Empire Strikes Back to watch while he enjoyed his drink. By the time the Millenium Falcon landed on Bespin, Evan was drinking from an empty bottle; he sniggered then noticed the little glass Saguaro cactus blown inside the bottle. If he could get the cactus out he could put it on his bedside table. Holding the bottle he smashed it against the table and picked the shards off the little green glass cactus. He smiled to himself until it reminded him of desert nights and fucking over the hood of a car with a man he was trying to forget. Evan dropped the cactus on the bedside table. He needed a cold shower, his hands were filthy and thinking of Mer bent over the hood of his car was making him feel horny and sad and messing with his buzz. He stumbled off the bed and made his way slowly over to the bathroom door. Someone had changed the flooring because it seemed to slope under his feet, he was going to have to have a word to the Czech guy about that, or maybe they were sinking? He was nearly at the bathroom door when his feet seem to forget how to co-ordinate and he landed face first into the wall but that was okay because the wall wasn't moving. Deciding that maybe a shower wasn't such a good idea if the floor was so uneven or they were sinking, Evan decided on washing his hands in the basin instead. He made it over to the washstand, propped his groin against the basin and rested his head against the wall cabinet for support, in case the floor decided to move again. He started to wash his hands but they just wouldn't seem to get clean, Evan felt the world tilt a little and get a bit fuzzy. He pushed himself upright using his head against the cabinet door and noticed his face was now dirty too. It was getting dark though so it must be time to sleep he thought closing his eyes as the world went black. 

~*~

David Parrish briskly dodged his way through the mid-morning Atlantis rush, he couldn't wait to tell his friend the news but again Evan had forgotten their arrangement to meet up for lunch. As he approached Evan quarters the door it slid open of its own volition with such speed it made his head jerk back in shock. ‘Well, that’s not normal,’ he muttered, cautiously entering the room and calling for his friend. The bed was empty apart from a discarded laptop nestled amongst a mess of sheets. ‘Evan,’ he called out again when there was no answer, eyes moving around the room until they caught on the broken glass by the side of the bed and more worryingly, blood. There was a bloody trail leading to the bathroom and a handprint on the wall by the bathroom. His heart in his throat David ran to the open door and found his friend slumped between the shower stall and basin, one side of his face a bloody mask, one hand and forearm bloody with a trail leading from the bathroom cabinet mirror and the basin.

‘Oh my god, Evan!’ David gasped as he stepped over Evan’s splayed legs, he carefully checked Evan’s throat for a pulse the best he could with a trembling hand, he felt a slight relief when he found a rhythm but even he could tell it was too quick, he tapped his comm’ to a private channel ‘Parrish to Doctor Beckett.’

‘Aye, Doctor Parrish. What can I do ye for?’

‘I need medical assistance in Colonel Lorne’s quarters. He’s....fallen. He’s cut his head and hands. He’s unconscious.’

‘Is he breathing?’ Beckett said, his voice breaking.

‘Yes.’ 

‘On my way. Beckett out.’

Parrish hesitated for a split second then dashed back into the living room, grabbed the trash can and carefully started collecting up the glass shards and shoved the evidence in the closet.

 

~*~

Carson’s heart was hammering in his chest and it had nothing to do with how hard he was running. People were stopping to stare, wondering what the emergency was but he didn't give a damn. Pictures of John Sheppard’s limp bloody body kept flashing through his mind. He reached the open door of Evan’s quarters, panting hard and grabbed the frame to slow him down, practically ricocheting himself across the room, taking note of the bloody floor and wall. Parrish was crouched beside Evan’s unconscious body. Carson felt his stomach drop sickeningly at the pale form of his friend half propped against the shower stall, head lolled over, legs splayed loosely, one side of his face, neck and bare chest painted red from a wound on his forehead. One hand lay loosely facing the ceiling on his bloodied thigh, a gash in his palm running to his wrist. 

Pushing Parrish aside Carson attempted to steady his breathing as he crouched beside his friend and felt for a pulse, quickly working out Evan’s heart rate was too rapid and worriedly noting his normally tanned skin was now pale and cool. Carson grabbed a towel and wrapped it around the wound on his friend’s hand and elevated it, ‘Keep his arm above his head,’ he ordered Parrish. ‘Evan!’ Carson called as he gently moved Evan onto his back, ‘Evan, can ye hear me? Did ye hit ye head Evan?’ A short, mumbled, unintelligible, unhappy sound escaped from Evan’s lips and his eyelids fluttered momentarily, Carson felt a rush of relief as he checked his friend’s airway, breathing and pupil response. Tapping his comm’ as he stood up Carson hailed his head nurse while awkwardly rolling Evan on to his side in the confined room, ‘ Marie. Colonel Lorne has lacerations tae the frontal bone... an’ a puncture wound to the soft tissue of his right hand and wrist, tachycardic, possible class two hemorrhage - where’s my damn gurney? An’ I need a IV of 3000 cc’s of RL Solution, a local anesthetic and sutures prepped.’

‘Gurney and RL solutions are on its way to you Dr Beckett ETA two minutes.’ Marie’s calm voice came back, soothing Carson’s rattled nerves a bit.   
‘Thanks love. Beckett out.’ 

What happened,’ he snapped over his shoulder to Parrish, while still tending to Evan.  
‘I don’t know. He missed our lunch date, when I got here I found him like this.’  
‘He shouldn't have bled this much. What was he drinking?’  
‘Nothing.’  
‘Don’t lie tae me son!’ Carson snapped again.  
‘Carson, he could get into a lot of trouble,’ Parrish warned.  
‘I don’t give a bloody damn about that right now,’ Carson said angrily  
‘I don’t know. I found broken glass by the bed.....but that doesn't mean anything.’  
‘Do ye think it was just the one bottle?’  
Parrish hesitated. ‘Yes. I think so.’  
‘Did he get it from ye?’ Carson asked, accusation dripping from every word   
‘No! He didn't! It wasn't Radek’s special brew either, before you go accusing him too!’  
Noise from the living room brought their strained exchange to an abrupt halt, leaving tension hanging in the air. Two emergency medical responders arrived with a gurney and carefully moved Evan’s unconscious body, prompting another mumbled response from him, and strapped him securely in while Carson inserted the IV line. ‘I don’t know how we’re goin’ tae get him tae the infirmary discreetly,’ Carson muttered as they started moving Evan out of his bathroom, ‘After what happened tae John we don’t want tae cause a panic by wheelin’ the CMO bleedin’ an’ unconscious through the main corridors.’

‘We’ll take him around the back of the living quarters’ Parrish said, ‘the corridors there are smaller, more like service corridors, but you should manage okay.’ Parrish led them through the dimly lit service corridors, it was tight fit for a gurney surrounded by three medical staff but their journey went unobserved and they settled Evan into a private room at the back of the infirmary with only essential staff involved. While his nurse cleaned Evan’s wounds so they could see how bad they were, Carson advised Stackhouse and Elizabeth that their commanding officer had taken a fall and was on medical leave until further notice. Parrish hovered while Carson scanned Evan’s unconscious body for hidden injuries then stitched up his wounds eliciting more incomprehensible murmurs. ‘Are the two of ye involved?’ Carson asked Parrish without looking up from wrapping Evan’s hand to protect the stitches he just administered. 

Parrish hesitated, studying Carson to see if there was any ill intent behind his question, he watched the way the doctor discreetly stroked his thumb across Evan’s wrist as he gently laid it down on the bed, the tight worry lines around eyes that barely left the unconscious man on the bed and made his decision. ‘No we’re just good friends.’ Parrish said softly, ‘He’s too wrapped up in someone else.’ He tried to warn gently.

‘Aye, there’s the rub.’ Carson sighed absentmindedly, staring blankly at Evan. 

He’ll be okay won’t he?’

‘Once his blood levels have evened out an’ he’s slept it off, he’s goin’ tae have one hell of a hangover mind an’ that hand is going tae be inconvenient for a wee while.’

‘Carson, I have to get back on duty. Would it be okay if I stopped by later?’

‘Aye, just don’t leave it late.’

‘I won’t.’ Parrish said patting Carson’s arm, ‘You might want to tell him McKay is coming back on the Daedalus.’

Carson’s eyebrows shot up, ‘How’d ye know that?’

‘Someone at SGC told me. They’re due into Atlantis in a few weeks. McKay is coming back but not as Chief Science Officer, apparently he’s going to be working for Radek...which should be.... interesting.’

‘Aye, but maybe for the best.’

‘I guess we’ll see,’ Parrish said, ‘I’ll see you both later.’

Carson nodded and watched Parrish reluctantly leave before turning back and pulling up a chair to sit beside Evan’s sleeping form.

~*~

The first thing Evan noticed was the pain. There was heavy throbbing inside his skull that seemed to be radiating down the back of his neck all the way into the top of his shoulders. His right hand felt tight, achy and twinged painfully with every slight movement. He opened his sticky eyes and pulled his tongue off the roof of his mouth. Looking around he recognised he was in one of the infirmary’s private rooms with Carson asleep, hunched over in a chair resting by the left side of his bed. Searching his spotty memory Evan tried to piece together what had happened. He remembered Watson coming over, watching Empire Strikes Back.....and a tequila bottle...but that was it. He gently smoothed his hand over Carson’s scruffed up hair, the Doctor immediately he sat up in startled daze.  
‘Wha? Who’s it’?’ Carson said blinking sleepily.  
‘Hey Doc?’ Evan smiled fondly, his voice croaky with a side order of rough.  
‘Evan!’ Carson said rubbing his hands over his face to wake himself up. ‘How ye feelin’ lad?’  
‘Not great Doc.’  
Carson set about checking Evan’s IV’s, reactions and charts and when he was satisfied sat back down. ‘What happened Evan?’  
Evan yawned and winced at the shooting pain it sent through his head. ‘I was hoping you could tell me that Doc.’  
‘All we know is ye missed your lunch appointment with Dr Parrish yesterday, so he went lookin’ for ye. He found ye in ye quarters, blacked out in the bathroom, ye had lacerations tae ye head and wrist and a puncture wound tae ye palm. You've got four stitches on your forehead, six in ye palm and six in ye wrist. So what do ye remember? How did ye get in tae such a mess lad?’  
Evan chewed his dry lip and looked away from his friend. He heard Carson move away briefly and come back, handing him a beaker of water with a straw, ‘Just take a few wee sips tae begin with,’ Carson advised.  
Evan leaned forward, his hands shaking slightly as he drank a few sips and stopped when he felt his stomach roil, handing the beaker back to Carson.  
‘Tell me the truth Evan. Were ye drinkin’? I know this is hard but I promised I’d help ye Evan Why’d ye not come tae me. Ye were bloody lucky this time.’  
Evan looked at his friend, his eyes stinging, ‘I can’t lose Atlantis. I’ll have nothing left’  
‘I promise ye won’t. If ye get help now Evan, before it gets any worse. Ye can get non-punitive assistance. You’ll maybe have restricted duties for a wee while but you’ll be returned to unrestricted duty as soon as Kate thinks ye ready. I want tae refer ye Evan but you've got to want to do it.’’  
‘Can’t I come to you. I can’t talk to Kate ...not about Mer.’  
Carson held his hand, ‘I’ll support ye anyway I can but I can’t do the programme with ye. I've discussed it with Kate, and considering the situation surrounding John she was quite happy tae agree that nothing will be put in her notes regarding ye relationship with Rodney or any other man.’   
Evan was silent for a few moments, ‘I don’t want anyone else to know.  
‘Everything will be confidential.’  
‘Doc, they could remove me from my post.’  
‘ I've spoken with General O'Neill an that won’t happen, but only if ye get help now. I wasn't exaggerating when I said ye were lucky Evan, next time ye may not be an’ what do ye think that would do tae Rodney?’  
‘That’s a low blow Doc.’  
Carson stood up and put some distance between himself and Evan as he felt his fear fuelled anger strangling his composure, ‘No Evan, it’s the truth! You've been the one constant in his life, do ye want tae destroy that as well as yourself, because that’s what ye doin, an I will not stand by and watch while ye do it.’ Carson’s hands trembled as he ran them through his hair in frustration, his eyes flashed angrily and his voice escalated with his annoyance, ‘Do ye not understand what it would do tae me? I've lost so many of ye. I can’t watch ye kill yourself cause that’s the path your on Evan. I care for ye. Chirst’s sake, ye must know that! Ye promised me you’d stop Evan. Ye promised! An’ I said I’d help ye get help. Did ye really think I wouldn't notice or I’d turn a blind eye until ye go an’ get yourself shot in the field because ye too hung-over to do ye bloody job…’   
‘Carson.’ Evan pushed himself to sit up in his bed the best he could, his face slack with shock at the waves of anger rolling off his normally composed friend.  
‘...or ye walk off the pier because ye too fuckin’ drunk tae know any better...’  
‘Carson!’  
‘...Ye need help! Ye need tae stop running away from ye pain....’ Carson’s cheeks were flushed bright with anger, body tight with frustration as his hands composed a jerky symphony.   
‘Okay,’ Evan said evenly. ‘Okay...I get it.,’ he repeated, trying to calm his friend. A desperate need deep within pushed at Evan to make it right, he’d nearly died because of his own stupidity and driven this strong, capable, disciplined, composed man to anger and despair - it felt so wrong it made him want to puke. ‘‘I’ll do it. I’ll do whatever it takes Carson,’ he promised.  
‘I need ye tae do that Evan, this isn't something I can save ye from,’ Carson said wearily.  
‘Don’t worry Carson, I’ll do it. Set up whatever you have to with Kate and I’ll do it.’  
Carson just nodded, feeling relief rush through him like a soothing wave over his boiling anger and worry, leaving him feeling wrung out. ‘Aye, I’ll do that. There’s somethin’ else I need tae tell ye. It’s good news for a change.’   
‘Thank God.’ Evan joked wryly.  
‘Rodney’s coming back on the Daedalus, he should be here in a few weeks.’  
A smile, a mile wide, spread across Evan’s face and calm started to settle into his soul.


	23. Beautiful Disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title comes from the song Beautiful Disaster by Kelly Clarkson.

Relieved to be leaving behind the stale recycled air and cramped quarters of the Daedalus, Rodney strode down the ramp onto Atlantis’ docking platform and into the mid-morning sunlight of New Lantea.

  
The tightly coiled leaden feeling sleeping in the pit of his stomach since leaving Pegasus unwound and escaped his body in a sigh of relief as he set eyes on the City of Atlantis for the first time in months. Standing in quiet admiration on the West Pier, Rodney marvelled anew at the glittering glass spires gracefully stretching into cloudless skies. With his eyes closed he listened to the calm waves clapping a lazy welcome against Atlantis’ hull and it was a balm to his soul. A small smile curved his lips and for the first time in a long while it didn’t feel amiss or feigned. A heady cocktail of completion, happiness and relief embraced him and it was hard to tell whether it flowed from Atlantis or his own senses. This was a new start. Atlantis would be home for the rest of his life, he knew that now with every fibre of his being. Everything he had to live for was here; except for Jeannie but that was her own stupid fault - he’d offered to put in a good word for her.

  
It seemed strange to him at the time that there was no further communication from Atlantis once the Daedalus had gained clearance to dock. It felt even stranger now; no one had come to greet them and unease started to gnaw at Rodney’s repose. Under normal circumstances Evan would at least meet Colonel Caldwell and be present to greet the few new personnel who’d arrived. Quashing his disappointment and concern Rodney made his way along the pier, convincing himself with each step it was for the best Evan wasn’t here to greet him. It meant he didn’t have to try and hide how much he’d missed the Commanding Military Officer of Atlantis from the Commanding Officer of the Daedalus. Knowing Atlantis they were probably in the midst of one crisis or another, he thought pessimistically, hefting his backpack from one shoulder to the other as the Daedalus’ hydraulics hissed a start to the offloading of supplies.

  
The eerie quiet continued once Rodney entered the central core of the city. Following the familiar maze of winding corridors leading to the gate room his unease grew and the hairs on the back of his neck prickled a warning. It was all too quiet and unconsciously he slowed his pace. Anxiety skittered its cold fingers up his spine as the corridor lights flickered out briefly, stopping him in his tracks, only to return after a few seconds to an ominous soft glow. What he wouldn't do for an ear-bud and life-signs detector now. In the half-light Rodney quietly laid his backpack down on the floor and with caution made his way along the corridor which curved blindly towards the gate room. As he approached the entrance, the loud sudden and unmistakable popping of weapon’s fire made him flinch hard, stumble backwards over his backpack and instinctively plaster himself flat against the nearest wall, terror churned his stomach as frantic shouting from the gate room bounced along the corridor walls towards him. Rodney found himself rooted to the floor, eyes wide, heart hammering against his chest and a cold sweat breaking out on his forehead. ‘Colonel’s comin’ in hot!’ Stackhouse’s voice bellowed above the fracas.

  
At the mention of Evan a sharp lance of fear and panic shot through Rodney, stealing his breath in a quick gasp and galvanizing him into movement. Dashing towards the corridor’s entrance he placed the cover of the arch between his body and any stray weapon’s fire. Now within feet of the action he could hear the chaos floating down from the Control Room above; Elizabeth barking orders, familiar voices quickly returning vital information, the smell of burnt metal and wires, Marines shouting instructions - a cacophony of noise and activity knitting an atmosphere of urgency and fear.

  
Rodney observed from the relative safety of his vantage point, desperately waiting for a glimpse of Evan. His blood ran cold as screams of pure agony tore through the gate and watched in horror as four marines each pulled their mangled, howling comrades clear of the gate, painting bloody shiny trails across the floor as they went. Rodney felt bile rise in his throat while he desperately tried to discern from a distance if Evan was among the injured. He was startled from his scrutiny when four more soldiers burst through the event horizon. Rodney spotted Evan at once, his face streaked with blood and mud, running backwards with his P-90’s still spitting a furious hail back through the gate. A flood of relief hit Rodney so hard he had to grip the wall for support.

  
‘GET DOWN! Raise the shield! Raise the shield!’ Evan yelled, desperately diving for the floor and landing hard as a salvo of weapon’s fire rained through the gate, burning across the room, shattering glass, exploding into walls and control panels before the shield shimmered into effect and a succession of static bursts impacted against the shield. Immediately rolling over, Evan wiped the blood and mud from his eyes, surveying the room he hit his comm’, ‘Gate room secured. I need medical assistance in the gate room ASAP, four critically wounded,’ he ordered, pulling himself up next to one of his men who was missing a leg from the knee down. The marine grabbed Evan’s tac vest desperately pulling his Commanding Officer close, he spoke haltingly as blood bubbled on his lips leaving behind a scarlet spray on his chin. Rodney watched helplessly, Evan tightly held the marine’s fist and nodded with grim determination in answer to whatever the marine had said. The emergency medical teams spilled into the room with a flurry of efficient activity, blocking Rodney’s view and forcing Evan out of their way. Carson spoke with Evan briefly and clapped the Colonel’s arm and they set off urgently in opposite directions, Carson to the casualties, Evan heading for the infirmary herding the other walking wounded along with him.

  
Watching silently Rodney held his position, trying to block out the distressing screams of the injured, while the medical staff triaged the wounded and one by one moved their patients off to the infirmary. The quiet and stillness that followed was a shocking contrast broken only by Elizabeth’s quavering voice, ‘Is everyone alright?’

  
Leaning back against the wall Rodney tried to steady his trembling body, torn between running after Evan and never leaving his safe little alcove again. He closed his eyes and took a couple of steadying breaths, repeating the words ‘He’s fine. He’s fine,’ in a determined whisper to erase the flashing images in his mind of John lying in the corridor. Forcing himself to move away from the wall, Rodney collected his backpack, hugging it tightly against his chest he walked through the gate room dodging people already cleaning the blood and glass from the floor and determinedly made his way up the stairs.

  
Elizabeth stood stiff backed at Chuck’s console examining damage from stray bullets, when Chuck stopped mid-sentence and looked in surprise Elizabeth turn quickly, already battle alert, her faced played out concern quickly followed by a surprised smile ‘Rodney! When did you get here?’ Oh my, are you alright?’ she said starting towards him in concern.  
‘Just now. It appears I arrived just in time for the apocalypse.’ He thumbed over his shoulder, ‘I’m good, just slightly shaken, I took cover, over there, in the-the alcove down there. What the hell happened?’

  
With a gentle hand, Elizabeth guided Rodney by his elbow to an empty seat as she explained. ’Major Williams’ exploration team were returning from MX3 748 when they were ambushed just after nightfall and cut off from the gate. When they missed their check-in Sergeant Stackhouse and Colonel Lorne took their teams through to extract them but Major Williams’ team had been bottle-necked into an area littered with rudimentary antipersonnel mines, it was ….a bloodbath. I’m guessing that’s where you came in?’

  
Rodney nodded solemnly. ‘Could it have been the Genii?’

  
‘If it is, their firepower and tactics have changed dramatically.’ Elizabeth sighed and rubbed her forehead tiredly. ‘Welcome back Rodney,’ she said with a sad ironic smile. ‘Seriously though, it’s good to have you back. How are you, really?’ Her eyes narrowed, studying his face like she was focusing all her laser sharp powers of observation on his reaction.

  
‘As insane as it sounds in the circumstances; it’s good to be back and... I’m.....getting there, shall we say.’

  
Apparently satisfied with his answer Elizabeth smiled fondly. ‘That’s good to hear. I expect you’d like to get settled back in. We’ll catch up later, I need to debrief the teams. it’s good to have you back Rodney.’

  
‘Right. Yes, okay, thanks Elizabeth.’ Taking his cue to leave, Rodney stood up to see Colonel Caldwell approaching at a good clip, looking furious. ‘Seems like you missed all the action Colonel,’ Rodney said as he passed the man on his way out the of control room.

  
It took forever to get to Evan’s quarters, science and military staff alike stopping him all the way welcoming him back with surprising warmth. Word that he’d returned would be around the whole of Atlantis by morning. Standing in front of Evan’s door Rodney was wary of entering the quarters unannounced and hesitantly rang the chimes, not quite knowing what to expect. There was no answer. Thinking Evan must still be in the infirmary Rodney waved his hand over the door crystals hoping it would still grant him access; he smiled and rocked on his heels with satisfaction when the door slid open. He stepped into the dimly lit room only to stop dead; Evan was sitting on the floor against the wall still dressed in his bloodied dirty uniform. ‘Evan?’ Rodney called softly, slowly resting his backpack on the floor. From previous experience with his husband, after situations in the field had gone fubar, Rodney was cautious. Men of John and Evan’s rank and experience were emotionless in the field and in front of their troops but behind closed doors, in private, it was sometimes another matter, Rodney had picked up the pieces often enough to know.

  
Evan’s head snapped up, surprise making dirty furrows in his brow and around his eyes, ‘Mer?’ he choked.

  
Rodney hurried over to the huddled form and crouched in front of Evan, his knees cracking loudly in protest. ‘The one and only,’ he joked with a weak smile, taking in Evan’s emotionless face and the tremors in his filth covered hands. ‘Have you been looked over?’

  
Evan nodded. ‘I’m fine.’

  
‘I think it’s highly unlikely that you’re as close to fine as you think you are,’ Rodney said kindly but firmly, not liking the unfocused look of the blue eyes staring back at him. Rodney stood up cupping Evan’s elbows in an attempt to pull him up too, but only managed to get him to his knees. Evan wrapped his arms around Rodney’s waist, burying his grime covered face in Rodney’s stomach. Taken aback Rodney’s hands momentarily hovered over his friend’s head until the ache in his heart burst the bubble of indecision and he cradled Evan’s head protectively against himself, ‘Hey, it’s alright,’ he whispered, gently stroking the caked gritty strands of brown hair, ‘I’ve got you.’ The tremors in Evan’s body betrayed him Rodney closed his eyes against the deep painful ache blooming in his chest which was accompanied by an overwhelming primal need to do anything that would take Evan’s pain away.

  
‘Stay,’ Evan said in a muffled plea against Rodney’s stomach, ‘Don’t go.’

  
‘I’m not going anywhere. Okay?’ He felt a small nod against his body. ‘Evan, I need you to talk to me.’ Rodney sunk down to his knees again so they were almost eye to eye and held Evan’s face between his hands. Haunted blue eyes stared back at him from a face that looked as if a thousand horrific scenes had etched themselves deep into the contours of his features. ‘Talk to me Evan.’

  
Evan closed his eyes against the barrage of memories, ‘They just blew them all to pieces.... I couldn't help them....we came through the gate and they were...’ Evan shot up, running for the bathroom. Rodney ran after him and stood while Evan vomited violently into the toilet, handing him a towel once he’d finished, exhausted Evan just sat there holding onto the toilet bowl. Rodney reached around Evan’s waist and unclipped his tac-vest, he fumbled blindly for the zip for a second before lowering it, easing Evan’s arms out, he let the weary soldier lean back against his legs. Rodney threw the filthy vest into the living room and bent over Evan to pull his sodden shirt and t-shirt up off over his head, chucking them back into the living room. Crouching down, Rodney pulled Evan’s arm over his shoulder and slid his own arm around Evan’s back and hefted him off the floor.

  
‘C’mon Colonel,’ he said straining under Evan’s weight, ‘Help me out here. Let’s get you into the shower.’

With Evan’s help Rodney manoeuvred him into the shower, propping him against the wall. Rodney snapped open the button and undid the zipper of the ruined BDUs, gently lowering them along with Evan’s boxer shorts whilst trying not to notice the red liquid squeezing out of the material onto his hands. He could not afford a flashback now, he just couldn't, Evan needed him. Rodney bit his lip hard as he crouched down to remove Evan’s feet from his boots and clothes. Stepping out of the shower stall he turned the water on Evan. Rodney returned to the living room and collected up the discarded clothes, placing them in a pile by the door to be incinerated, turning some music on he quickly stripped his own clothes off on the way back to the bathroom.

Evan hadn't moved away from the wall but he’d leant his head back, his jaw tight, eyes squeezed shut and hands balled into fists like his body was doing everything it could to stay in control. Rodney stepped into the shower and gently moved Evan so the spray was hitting his chest and stood behind him, snaking one arm around Evan’s waist he held their bodies flush together, almost supporting Evan’s weight. With the other hand he gently started to erase the pink stains from Evan’s skin with a sponge. Evan laid his head back against Rodney’s shoulder with a sigh and Rodney turned his head so his lips were brushing against the shell of his ear, ‘Let it go Ev. It’s just us so let it go,’ he whispered ‘You did everything you could.’

  
‘I know...it just wasn't enough.’ His voice sounded strained but Rodney couldn't tell if Evan was crying and he wouldn't ask, instead he held him tight and peppered Evan’s throat with kisses, feeling it convulsing against the emotions trying to force their way out. Rodney soothed his hands over Evan’s clean chest and stomach until the tremors were almost gone.

  
’Step forward a bit and tip your head back for me,’ Rodney asked. When Evan arched his neck back Rodney squeezed out a generous amount of shampoo and started to wash away the grime and blood. He tried hard not think about whatever else was caught in the brown strands wrapping around his fingers. He massaged Evan’s scalp until it was as clean as he could get it, wishing he could wash out all the bad memories too. He noticed a new pink scar just below the hairline of Evan’s fringe; he’d have to ask about that later. Rodney moved around Evan’s body, collecting the sponge on his way, and dropped down to his knees. He knew how hard it was to scrub blood from your knees once it had dried into all the little crevices so he set about gently removing the stains from Evan’s knees and the small patches from the front of his legs. Standing up, Rodney switched the shower off, grabbed a towel from the rail and towelled them both down then let the body dryer finish the job.

  
Taking Evan’s hand he led him out of the bathroom and over to the bed where he settled him under the covers, then dressed himself. ‘I’m going to get you some food, okay?’

  
‘I’m really not hungry Mer.’

  
‘I know, not now you’re not..’

  
‘Mer?’

  
‘Yes? ’

  
‘Stay. Please?’

  
‘Yes, I am. I told you, don’t you remember?’ Rodney asked worriedly.

  
‘Yeah, I remember.’ Evan hesitated, ‘I mean here, in my room.’

  
‘I’m staying.’ Rodney reassured, ‘We’ll talk about it later. I won’t be long okay.’

  
‘Okay.’

  
‘Okay.’ Rodney repeated as he left, collecting up the clothes beside the door.

~*~

After dropping the clothes off for incineration Rodney detoured to the infirmary. The atmosphere in the infirmary was so heavy it was almost tangible and Rodney felt his stomach plummet when he noticed a distinct lack of intensive care beds and nurses or concerned friends in the waiting area. For such a major incident there was a worrying lack of activity. He quietly made his way over to Carson’s office, the door was already open. Carson sat at his desk; head hung over with his hands laced behind his head, elbows resting on the table. Rodney gave a little tap on the door frame and Carson nearly sprang out of his chair.

  
‘Jesus Christ! Rodney! Ye near gave me a heart attack.’ Carson said coming around his desk to embrace his friend. ’It’s so good tae see ye lad. When d’ye get back? How are ye doin’.’

  
Rodney patted his friends back, ‘I’m getting there,’ he said with a determined smile, stepping out of the embrace. ‘I got back just as all the chaos broke out in the gate room believe it or not. I've been with Evan. Speaking of which where’s Major William’s team.’

  
A grim shadow passed over Carson’s face as he wiped it tiredly with one hand, exhaustion carving dark rings under his eyes. ‘They didn't make it Rodney.’

  
‘None of them! The whole team?’

  
‘No, Rodney. Their injuries were too extensive. Private Appleby; well, I’m told they could only find pieces of him. Captain Lowe an’ Private Gedding were dead on arrival to the infirmary. We did everything we could but even with all our Ancient technology Major Williams an’ Corporal Smith’s injuries were just too severe.’

  
‘Does Evan know?’

  
‘I haven’t had a chance tae speak tae him since the gate room, I’ve not long been out of surgery, but yes he knows. Nurse Marie was a wee bit concerned about him, she wanted him tae stay but the cheeky bugger insisted he was well enough tae leave when he knows full well I’d never let him cut and run like that.’

  
‘He’s the Commanding Military Officer, Carson which as you well know means he has a certain persona to uphold in public but believe it or not he’s not made of stone, just give him some time.’

  
‘Rodney I’m just concerned for him is all.’ Carson’s brows creased with concern, ‘How is he?’

  
‘In a nutshell, he’s just seen four of his men blown to pieces, how do you think he is?’

  
Carson sighed in frustration, ‘Are ye goin’ tae be stayin’ with him?’

  
‘Yes.’

  
‘I want tae see him in first thing in the mornin’. No excuses!’ An Rodney......it’s not been easy for him; ye not being here.’

  
The concern and affection in Carson’s eyes as he spoke of the Colonel rankled Rodney to his core and he felt the irrational need to punch the look right off Carson’s face. ‘It’s none of your business Carson but thanks for the advice.’

  
‘It is my bloody business when....’ Carson started then snapped his mouth shut.

  
‘When what?’

  
Carson ran his hand over his face tiredly again. ‘You’ll have tae ask him yourself.’

  
‘I’ll do that.’

  
‘Rodney!’ Carson grabbed his friend’s wrist before he could reach the door, ‘I’m glad ye came back, I missed ye.’

  
‘Me too. Thanks Carson.’

~*~

Thankfully the mess hall had been practically empty and Rodney was able to collect sandwiches and drinks with the minimum of fuss and rush back to Evan’s room.

  
Evan was still sat up in bed staring into space when her returned. Rodney sat on the edge of the bed beside him and held out the sugary soft drink. ‘Hey, Atlantis to Evan.’ he said softly nudging Evan with the can.

  
Evan blinked rapidly a few times before looking down at the can ‘Oh, right. Thanks,’ he said reaching for the offered drink. The raw scar slicing across the inside of his wrist showed starkly against his skin and caught Rodney’s eye. He grabbed Evan’s arm and twisted it so he could see it better, feeling the blood drain from his face and his stomach turn sickly.

  
‘It’s not what you think Mer.’

  
‘Then what is it?’ Rodney breathed, trying to tear his eyes away from the long, thin, red ridge.

  
‘It was a stupid accident is all,’ Evan said pulling his wrist back self-consciously.

  
‘And...?’

  
‘I was drunk and had a disagreement with some glass. That’s it. End of story.’

  
‘Really?’

  
‘Yeah, really. Can we drop it now please?’ Evan said irritably and slid back down into bed pulling the covers up over his arm.  
Rodney hesitated, taking in the strain around Evan’s eyes. ‘For now,’ he agreed, stripping his own clothes off and getting between the covers, his back to Evan and lowered the lights.

  
They lay there in awkward silence for long minutes, feeling the warmth of their bodies reaching out to each other. The urge to move closer was so strong that Rodney could feel the ache of tension in his muscles as he tried to control his instincts. Then he felt Evan move closer to his back, hesitantly place a hand on his hip and a soft kiss on the back of Rodney’s neck, ‘I missed you so much,’ he breathed, against the nape of his neck, so softly Rodney nearly didn't’ catch it.

  
‘I missed you too.’ Rodney replied, his voice thick with emotion and relief. Rodney took Evan’s hand from his hip, bringing it over his body he laced their fingers together, gently kissed Evan’s palm, then held it against his chest, the action pulling Evan’s body snugly into contact with his own.

  
Pushing up on his forearm, Evan gazed down at Rodney. Freeing their hands he tenderly stroked the back of his fingers over Rodney’s cheek, not quite believing that he was finally back in the City. He leant down and softly kissed Rodney’s top lip, the angle was awkward but the rasp of fresh stubble against his lip sent an erotic shiver down his spine. He kissed slowly, expecting Rodney to pull away any second. When he felt blunt fingers entwine themselves into his short hair and pull him closer, Evan couldn’t stop the moan of desire and relief that escaped and the push of his hips against the side of Rodney’s ass.  
Echoing Evan’s moan into their kiss, Rodney rolled onto his back. Instinctively Evan moved with him, supporting his weight above Rodney with his forearms on the bed as their bodies met. Evan parted their lips, softly sliding his tongue against Rodney’s, seeking permission.

  
The distantly familiar sweet addictive taste that was uniquely Evan exploded on Rodney’s tongue and he felt a rush of need so strong his hand tighten around the soft tendrils of Evan’s hair. Rodney needily grasped at Evan’s waist with his other hand, pulling them closer, their mouths opening to one another, their tongues frantically pushing, sliding, curling against each other, stealing each other’s breath as the spark which had laid dormant between them roared into heated passion.

  
Aching for more contact Evan, with one hand, pulled Rodney’s thigh up and out a little, allowing their groins to fall together naturally so he could rock against Rodney’s pelvis. A needy groan rumbled in his throat as he felt the rasp of pubic hair and Rodney’s swelling cock pushing against his own - sending a tingling charge through his groin and down the back of his thighs. The urgency to be closer pounded through their veins, Evan tilted his head deepening the kiss and pushing Rodney back down into the pillow. Rodney moaned into Evan’s mouth pushing back, trying to give everything he could as he slid his hands down to Evan’s firm ass and pulled their groins together again, jerking Evan up his body a little and breaking the kiss.

  
Cheek to cheek, panting into each other’s ear, Rodney ran his hands soothingly up the sides of Evan’s torso caressing the solid muscles contracting and expanding with his quick breaths. Rodney mouthed Evan’s jaw breathlessly, tracing its strong lines with the tip of his tongue. ‘So beautiful,' he whispered reverently between butterfly kisses, on the side of Evan's mouth, the freckles on his cheeks and the laughter lines by his eyes.

  
Evan captured Rodney’s mouth again briefly as he pulled Rodney’s thigh higher over his own hip and rested his forearms back on the bed to support his full weight. Now gaining purchase with his knees Evan began to thrust against Rodney feeling their weeping cocks sliding against each other and leaving shiny trails across their bellies. As they moved in unison he kissed down Rodney's throat, mouthing gently at his Adam’s apple as it moved and vibrated with his breathy moans.

  
Caressing Evan’s broad back, Rodney traced old scars, grasping at powerful muscles as they moved under his hands with every thrust Evan made. Gently pushing, Rodney silently urged Evan to raise his hips and slid a hand between their bodies to encircle both their cocks in his hand Rodney jacked them leisurely, tonguing the beads of sweat blossoming on Evan’s collar bone, kissing the tiny mole on his neck and the hollow at the base of his throat.

  
Not sure how much longer he could hold back Evan pushed himself to his knees and sat back on his heels, his hard cock bobbing. Their eyes locked together as Evan started to slowly fist his own cock, attempting to control his need. Rodney ran his hands over Evan’s thighs loving the feel of toned muscles working and the tickle of hairs under his palms while Evan stroked himself making Rodney’s cock jump against his belly. Not taking his eyes off Evan, Rodney leant over to the bedside table, scrambling around blindly with one hand in the drawer until he found a bottle of lube and a condom. He snapped the cap open and drizzled a few drops of the clear liquid over the top of Evan’s erection, watching the hard length shine wetly as Evan’s hand spread the lube over his thick shaft. Evan knelt up and staring down at Rodney he started thrusting into his own fist, the toned muscles in his stomach and thighs flexing with every move. Rodney grunted and grabbed the base of his cock firmly, trying to control his own need a little longer as the sight above him nearly ended everything way too soon for his liking. Sitting up slightly Rodney lapped at the shiny red crown every time it peaked out the top of Evan’s hand, tasting the salty tang mixed with lube.

  
Reaching up and holding the back of Evan’s neck Rodney pulled him down for another heated kiss and let Evan lower them back onto the bed. Caressing the stubbly hair on the back of Evan’s neck with his thumb, Rodney drew back so their lips were a hair’s breadth apart and they were breathing hard into each other’s air, ‘I want you.’

Evan raised his head a little and looked down into azure eyes blown wide with passion, ‘ You've always had me Mer, you know that,’ he answered breathlessly as he worked his lubed hand between Rodney’s ass cheeks and gently rubbed at his hole, ‘It’s always been you.’ He pushed the tip of his middle finger into Rodney’s hole, feeling the muscle resisting he added a lot more lube, pushing it in and caressing the hot firm muscles ‘Fuck Mer you’re tight,’ Evan said in a strained low voice, his cock so hard now it was throbbing almost painfully.

  
‘It’s been a while.’ Rodney replied quietly.

  
Evan froze, ‘Babe, if you wanna stop, if you’re not sure, please tell me now.’

  
Rodney shook his head and gently pushed some of Evan’s errant fringe away from his eyes. ’I meant it, I want you Evan.’

  
Leaning over Rodney’s body Evan kissed him hard, tongues clashing messily as his finger caressed deeper pushing and coaxing muscles until he could add another then slowly started finger fucking Rodney’s muscles open.  
Kneeling back up Evan caressed Rodney’s thighs and watched as he tore open the metallic condom wrapper and rolled it carefully down his firm hot shaft. He generously lubed his cock again, watching again as Rodney lazily stroked his own leaking erection and pulled his thighs up and back towards his own stomach. The blatant invitation made Evan’s cock jump in his hand. He quickly moved up between Rodney’s legs, splayed his knees either side of Rodney’s hips so his groin was almost touching Rodney’s ass, he held the base of the condom and pushed the wide smooth head of his heavy cock against the wet rosy hole and pushed firmly, watching himself sink through the tight ring of muscle. Rodney gave a small grunt of discomfort at the initial burn. Evan stilled his hips, ‘Okay?’ he gasped looking down at Rodney.

  
‘Yes.’ Rodney nodded. ‘Keep going.’

  
Evan could feel the tight pressure squeezing his hard cock as he smoothly pushed through firm heat until his balls were against Rodney’s ass. Leaning over he placed his hands on the bed either side of Rodney’s head and leant down to kiss him, rocking his groin in shallow little jerks that rubbed the head of his cock against Rodney’s prostate.

  
‘Fuck-Ev.’ Rodney gasped pulling away from the kiss and grasping at Evan’s shoulders as his cock throbbed trapped between their stomachs. Evan pulled back for longer, deeper thrusts, his balls slapping wetly against Rodney’s ass on every inward thrust making Rodney arch back as he fisted his own aching cock in time to Evan’s rhythm, letting out a little needy moan that went straight to Evan’s cock every time their bodies met.

  
‘Fuck. Mer.’ Evan knelt up letting his hands hang loosely at his sides, chin dropped to his chest watching Rodney caress himself, as he switched back to quick shallow thrusts. The sound of Rodney’s moans getting more desperate made Evan’s balls tighten. Holding the inside of Rodney’s knees as they bounced in the air Evan gentle pushed them back a bit more, leaning more of his body weight on his hips, keeping his pace he thrust deeper, grunting with the exertion.

  
‘Fuck.Yeah. Oh God.’ Rodney cried out, grabbing the sheets with one fist as Evan started hitting his prostate again, sending pleasure shooting through his cock.

  
Evan watched Rodney writhe beneath him getting lost in ecstasy and slowing the rhythm right down Evan pumped harder trading speed for power, rocking Rodney’s body with every thrust, he could feel the sweat running down his back and stomach and his orgasm building at the base of his cock, grabbing Rodney’s thighs for more purchase he moved faster, Rodney’s balls rubbing against the hard flexing muscles of his stomach as he leaned in closer scooping his hips on every inward thrust, desperate to get as deep and as close to his lover as he could.

  
‘Shit-Mer. I’m gonna come,’ he panted as the tell-tale pulsing started in his balls.

  
‘Ah-yeah. ‘m so ready’ Rodney gasped curling up and pumping his cock harder.

  
‘Fuck, you’re beautiful,’ Evan said desperately, his voice jumping with the force of his movements. Moving so his chest was above Rodney’s and they could look at each other he slammed into Rodney three times before feeling his cock harden even more and Rodney’s muscles started to spasm around his cock.

  
‘Oh -God-oh- Ev’- shit,’ Rodney cried as the force of his orgasm had him curling over his own body, his cock spitting streams of semen over his contracting stomach muscles and Evan’s chest.

  
Almost at the same time Evan groaned long and hard as he finally let go, his thrusts erratic until every muscle in his body spasmed. Pushing his forehead hard into the curve of Rodney’s neck as intense pleasure shot through his cock and he pulsed deep into Rodney’s body, ‘Ah-shit-Mer. Oh-fuck!’ he cried out between clenched teeth, Rodney pressed his cheek into Evan’s damp head, gasping out the last strains of his own orgasm until their bodies shook with aftershocks.

  
They stayed that way; bodies locked together, wet with sweat and semen, breathless, Evan’s forehead buried in Rodney’s neck, Rodney’s hand in the back of Evan’s sweat soaked hair cradling him, mouth breathing heavily on the top of his head.  
After long silent minutes filled with a duet of laboured breathing Evan felt the need to move and with great effort pushed himself up on one arm, holding his condom with the other hand, he carefully withdrew from Rodney’s body, still producing a hiss through the teeth from them both as their over sensitive bodies protested against even the smallest friction.

  
Evan wrapped the condom in a tissue from the box on the bedside table and threw it into the bin while Rodney gratefully lowered his aching legs to the bed. In an almost controlled fall Evan landed on his side next to Rodney, their ankles still tangled together, his hand coming to rest casually on the gentle swell of Rodney’s soft belly. He stroked his thumb across the damp hairs around Rodney’s navel and watched his lover’s long eyelashes flutter shut and then open again. Ever so lightly, with the pad of his index finger he traced the graceful curve of Rodney’s nose to the very tip causing the slanted side of Rodney’s mouth to curve into a tired smile.

  
‘Idiot.’ Rodney mumbled fondly, turning his face towards Evan’s who was returning his tired smile.

  
Evan traced his finger tenderly over Rodney’s kiss swollen lips. ‘I love you,’ he whispered, afraid the words might shatter the bubble that seemed to surround them but needing to say it. He felt Rodney’s teeth chew at the inside of his bottom lip and looked into blue eyes that darted away from his and felt something cold squeeze around his heart.

  
‘I...’ Rodney started but panic forced its fist into his throat causing silence to lay heavily between them. ‘I know,’ he finished defeatedly and instantly hated himself for the pain he saw skitter across Evan’s face as he looked away. Cupping Evan’s jaw with one hand and stroking his thumb tenderly over his cheek Rodney turned Evan’s face back to his. ‘This meant something to me. I missed you so much Ev’ but I need time?’ He felt Evan nod in his hand and gathered the man in his arms, holding him against his chest hoping to convey an iota of the love he couldn't put into words. ‘Get some sleep’ he whispered kissing the top of Evan’s damp head.

~*~

It was dark but Rodney could just make out the shape of the large room his was sitting in. It smelt of damp rock; earthy, moist and cold. Something was laying heavily across his outstretched legs and his hand was tangled in something wet, clingy and slightly slimy that was resting in his lap. Beams of watery early morning sunlight started to break through an open square hatch in the ceiling of his stone room sending a soft yellow glow cutting through the darkness across the floor to where Rodney sat against the far wall. It illuminated the body dressed in black Atlantis military fatigues laying across his legs and his blood soaked hand tangled in the dark matted hair of the body. Crying out in horror he snatched his hand away. Feeling himself shaking and fear squeezing the breath from his lungs he shoved quickly at the shoulder of the body, it rocked but didn’t move so he pushed harder rolling it off his legs to the side, the body turned over as he did. Evan’s dead eyes stared up at him, a neat dark red bullet hole in the centre of his forehead. Rodney heard his own voice scream ‘No’, it echoed around the tomb as he scrambled back over to Evan’s lifeless body. He heaved Evan’s shoulders off the floor and shook him hard. Evan’s head bobbed sickly like a rag doll, Rodney let go suddenly, the body falling with a hard thud to the floor. Rodney screamed and didn’t stop, screaming ‘No’ over and over again until the word was like a metal claw in his throat ripping it apart. He pounded his fists hysterically on the body, tears streaming down his cheeks his breathing completely erratic ‘Not you!’ he shouted hitting as hard as he could, ‘Please! No! Not you too. No!’

~*~

Rodney felt a burning pain on his wrist and his eyes snapped open. Evan was straddling his lap holding on tightly to Rodney’s wrists with some effort, his bottom lip was bleeding as was a cut above his eyebrow and there were rosy marks on his cheekbone and eye that looked like they were beginning to swell. His eyes were wide blue storms of concerned fear, panic and pain.

  
‘Mer, baby? Can you hear me?’ he said urgently, out of breath like he’d been running.

  
Rodney tried to nod but he was shaking so hard he didn't know if he’d managed it. ‘Baby?’ Evan’s voice broke on the word and Rodney realised he needed to say something.

  
‘Yes.’ Rodney gasped, his voice a hoarse rasp but he saw the relief in Evan’s face, as it swam dizzily before him, so he knew he’d been heard.

  
Evan laid his palm flat on Rodney’s chest and held Rodney’s palm flat against his own, ‘Breathe with me baby. C’mon slow down. In and out.’ Rodney nodded numbly but panicked gripped his throat when he couldn't slow his breathing.

  
‘Look at me Mer.’ Evan grabbed Rodney’s chin urgently, focusing the skittish blue eyes on his own, ‘It’s okay. Breathe with me,’ he said gently squeezing Rodney’s hand as he held it against his chest.

  
Rodney focused on the movement of Evan’s chest, slowly feeling himself calm. They sat that way in silence, taking slow deep breaths, until Rodney’s breathing was nearly normal again. Evan sat back on his heels letting out a sigh of relief and running a trembling hand through his hair.

  
‘Did I do that?’ Rodney asked in concern, his voice dragging over his throat like sandpaper as he pointed shakily at Evan’s face.

  
Evan swiped the back of his hand at the blood on his chin, ‘It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.’

  
‘No. No it’s not okay.’ Rodney said agitatedly as he pushed himself out of bed and across the room. ‘It’s not okay,’ he repeated pulling on his boxer shorts. ‘I can’t’

  
Evan was up off the bed, still naked and walking over to him but Rodney backed away shaking his head, the reaction stopping Evan in his tracks and the colour draining from his face as a sickening realisation hit him. ‘Mer what do you mean?’ Evan barely whispered.

  
Rodney shook his head and swallowed hard at the panic gripping his body as he pulled his BDU’s on, ‘It’s not okay. I can’t do it.’

  
‘Mer. Talk to me, please. I don’t understand. What can’t you do?’ Evan implored desperately.

  
‘Us. I-I can’t do this.’

  
Panic and pain shot through Evan, ‘Babe, it’s okay. I’ll be fine. It’s nothing...’

  
‘It’s not nothing!’ Rodney shouted, then more calmly, ‘It’s not nothing. I-I can’t go through that again. I-I just can’t.’

  
Evan’s dark brows drew together in confusion, his face slack with heartbreak and disbelief. ‘Mer, don’t do this. Please,’ he begged.

  
‘I’m sorry, I-I’m really really sorry.’ Rodney sobbed fastening his zipper and button as quickly as his shaking hands would allow and grabbing his t-shirt.

  
‘Baby we can work this out. Whatever it is we can work it out. Please, please don’t do this.’

  
The heart-breaking crack of pain in Evan’s voice made Rodney falter and forced him to look up but then he saw Evan’s swollen face the image of dead blue eyes flashed through his mind. He squeezed his eyes shut and shook the memory clear from his mind, ‘I can’t,’ he whispered. Grabbing his backpack he ran from the room leaving Evan standing stunned.


	24. Bloodstained Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is unbetaed.
> 
> Chapter title adapted from Darren Hayes song Bloodstained Hearts.

 

‘Oh good Lord!’ Carson muttered. He stumbled out of his bed, rubbing his hair briskly in an attempt to clear the sleepy cloud still cushioning his thoughts. ‘I’m comin, simmer down will ye.’ People rarely, if ever, pounded on his door in the middle of the night now. Usually his earwig’s polite little chirrup interrupted his dreams with the latest emergency.  Succumbing to a jaw cracking yawn, Carson blindly waved at the door crystals, jumping back to avoid being knocked over when Rodney, a tornado of agitation and nervous energy, came bowling into the room with eyes wide distant pools of fear and hair a soft brown confusion of tufts.

‘I-I-I-I hurt him. Y-y-you have to go.. Now!’ Rodney stammered, cuddling his back pack with one arm and pushing Carson towards the door with the other.

‘Rodney, what the ..?’ Carson said sleepily, at the same time dodging the insistent pushy hands of his friend.

‘No-he’s bleeding you have to go now.’

The words sliced through whatever dozy fog had been lingering in Carson, he held Rodney still by the shoulders and locked eyes with the fretful man, trying to get him to focus. ‘Rodney. Settle down; who is bleedin? What’s happened?’

‘Evan. I-I-I hurt him. I didn’t mean to,’ Rodney said shaking his head, one hand flying - painting his agitation in the air. ‘H-he was dead an-and-and I was so angry an-and then his lip was bleeding and and and....I...hurt him.’

Carson’s heart pounded in his chest. Keeping one hand resting on the unsettled scientist’s arm and trying to retain some semblance of outward composure Carson tapped his comm’. ‘Beckett to Lorne.’

‘Lorne. Go ahead.’

The detached, broken, but very much alive, voice which sounded in his ear made Carson inhale sharply with relief, he flicked a look towards Rodney wondering what the hell had happened. ‘Um Evan; I have Rodney here. He’s a wee bit concerned, he’s under the impression he’s caused ye harm.’

‘I’m fine Carson. He had a really bad nightmare ….and I mean really bad. I wasn’t quick enough is all; he caught me a couple of times before I could restrain him. I’ve had a lot worse believe me.’

‘Okay lad..’

Carson didn’t get to finish his sentence; Rodney started pushing him towards the door again. ‘No. No. Y-you have to go and check him. He could have a-a subdural hematoma or hairline fracture to his cheek bone or-or...’

‘Rodney! Calm ye’self. Of course I’m goin’ tae bloody tae see him.’ Carson said dodging Rodney’s pushy hands. ‘I hope ye heard that Colonel. I’ll be with ye shortly.’

‘Fine, Carson, whatever. Lorne out.’

Carson nodded to let Rodney know Evan had agreed. ‘Good. Good. I’ll wait here,’ Rodney said distractedly as he clutched at this backpack and sat on the edge of Carson’s still warm bed.

Watching his friend for a few seconds, Carson’s brows creased together in concern at the way Rodney was rocking slightly and he tapped his comm’ again. ‘Beckett tae Nurse Darla. Can you bring me 1.5 mg’s of Lorazepam to my quarters for Dr McKay please?’

‘Of course Doctor. I’ll be right there.’

‘Thanks love. Beckett out.’ He held on to one of Rodney’s shoulders and crouched in front of him. ‘Rodney, I know ye had a nightmare, tell me what happened, what’s got ye in such a tizz?’

Rodney closed his eyes for a moment then looked at his friend with a glimmer of an apology. ‘I slept with Evan...I mean, I-I know I sleep with Evan all the time. I meant I had sex with him... and it…. It felt right. I thought I’d feel guilty because it wasn’t John but I didn’t. It felt right. He said he loved me Carson. He said he loved me and I wanted to tell him I love him too but I couldn’t, I couldn’t say it.                                                                                                                                                                                                   He squeezed his backpack in frustration and anger, ‘Then I-I had this-this horrific nightmare.....’ Rodney trailed off, his eyes widening in horror at the memory. ‘It was so vivid. Evan was dead. Someone had shot in the head. I don’t think I can do it again. I can’t lose him like I lost John. I just can’t do it.’

‘Easy now lad.’ Carson said squeezing Rodney’s shoulder in comfort. ‘Have ye been taking ye medication while ye were away?’

Rodney nodded, then shook his head and looked into Carson’s confused eyes with naked fear. ‘I hadn’t had any nightmares or flashbacks since leaving Earth. I thought they were gone so I stopped taking them before we arrived in Atlantis. They make me all muzzy, I can’t think straight. It’s never going to stop is it? I’m always going to be this way,’ Rodney said, voice rising is panic and disbelief.

’Rodney, ye should know better than tae stop ye medication like that. The nightmare and anxiety may just be discontinuation syndrome because ye haven’t tapered off the medication properly. I can make an assessment and set up a programme for ye. We’ll get ye sorted out in no time, don’t ye worry.’ The door chimes sounded, breaking Carson’s observation of his patient. Reluctantly he stood up and moved away to opened the door. Nurse Darla smiled kindly at Rodney as she followed Carson into the room. ‘Right love, can ye administer the meds an’ wait here with him while I make a house call tae another patient?’

‘I don’t need a babysitter Carson.’ Rodney grumbled.

‘Ye came here for my help, so ye’ll do as I say.’ Carson said firmly, ‘Just sit tight an’ don’t give Nurse Darla any fuss, Rodney.’

  
~*~

Standing and pulling a sheet around his waist sarong style, Evan thought the door open before Carson decided to use his emergency code and override the controls.  

Medical kit in hand and still wearing his pyjamas Carson entered, worry lines furrowing his brow deeply above eyes soft with concern which fixed on the bed. What was left of the sheets were a tangled heap, patches of scarlet blood struck a stark contrast against the crisp white cotton and the warm, musky smell of sex filled his nostrils. His eyes darted quickly to Evan, assessing him from across the room. What he saw made his heart ache. The defeated droop of Evan’s shoulders, tight pale knuckles holding up a sheet to save his dignity, the pulse throbbing in his bruised jaw, contusions to one eye, arms, and chest, lacerations to the brow, cheek and lip. Carson let sad sigh escape. ‘Aye, well, that’s a pretty mess if ever I did see one. Ye’d better sit.’ Joining his patient on the bed, Carson wiggled on his latex gloves and started to inspect the damage. ‘Any blurred vision, headaches or nausea?’ Evan closed his eyes briefly and shook his head. Carson moved on to Evan’s arms, turning them to examine more clearly. When he was satisfied he moved his attention to the deep bruise on Evan’s rib cage and steadfastly tried to ignore what looked like semen on his skin. ‘Any pain there?’ Carson asked while gently palpating the ribs, Evan’s sharp intake of breath was answer enough.

‘They’re not broken.’ Evan grimaced. ‘He caught me with his foot before I managed to restrain him.’

‘Aye ye right it’s not broken but at the very least it’s a deep contusion and possibly a crack. I’ll be needin’ ye tae go through the scanner just tae be on the safe side, an’ that eye needs some sutures.’

Irritated, Evan huffed and regretted it instantly as pain sliced through his side. ‘Whatever you say Doc, how is he?’

Carson threaded his latex clad fingers together and rested his hands between his thighs. ‘Extremely agitated, as ye can imagine; anxious, confused, upset; but ye know that already.’

‘Take care of him.’

Looking aside at Evan, Carson could read defeat in every muscle and the finality in his eyes. ‘Ye know I will lad but don’t ye give up, just give him some time.’

’No; you weren’t there, Carson. I think I’ve lost him again.’

Carson rested a consoling hand on his friend’s bare back. ‘He’s terrified that he’s goin’ tae lose ye the same way he lost John.’

‘An’ I can’t promise he won’t.’ Evan stated with numb regret.

‘No one can make that kinda promise. We’re all at the mercy of the fates, especially in this godforsaken place.’

‘I’d give it all up.’

‘What? Atlantis?’

Evan nodded but looked conflicted. ‘Sure. Atlantis, Pegasus, SGC. All of it, I’d throw it all in if that’s what he wanted.’

‘Don’t go makin’ any hasty decisions lad.’ Carson warned kindly. ‘Besides, ye know Rodney wouldn’t want ye tae give up Atlantis.’

‘Then he has to accept the risks that come along with it,’ Evan said with frustration. ‘I can’t...I don’t know what he wants me to do.’

Carson gently rubbed the tense muscles between Evan’s shoulder blades trying to give a little comfort. ‘The truth is there’s nothin’ ye can do. This is somethin’ Rodney has tae decide on his own. Ye just have tae decide if ye willin’ tae wait for him tae make that decision.’

Evan nodded silently. ‘I love him, Carson. I’d do anything for him.’

Carson gave his friend a few moments to collect himself together before he moved off the bed and collected his medical bag. ‘Right then, put y’self some clothes on, Colonel unless ye plan on walkin’ tae my infirmary stark naked and havin’ all and sundry gossipin’ about it tomorrow.’

Evan looked down at himself. ‘Sorry Doc. I’ll be right back.’

  
~*~

Carson watched with concern as Rodney stood oblivious to his presence, lost in introspection on the balcony, staring at the night sky. Nurse Darla quietly slipped out on his return, leaving him confident his friend was in a satisfactory condition. The scientist cut a lonely figure, silhouetted as he was, against the coal black sky with thousands of incandescent stars winking down at him.  So as not to startle Rodney from his contemplation, Carson coughed as he approached and stood next to his friend. Leaning his forearms on balcony rail he gazed out over the ocean as it rippled like liquid tar under the night sky towards the docks of Atlantis. The cool breeze played with his sleep ruffled hair and he took a steady lungful of the briny air, letting the serenity sooth his burdens like soft caressing hands.

Without pulling his deliberate gaze from the vista Rodney asked quietly, ‘Is he okay?’ His voice fluttered with concern and guilt and carried a sharp note of regret.

‘Aye, he’ll do,’ Carson replied with a small smile. Rodney pulled a look at his friend that demanded details, information, and data to process into reassurance. Carson laced his fingers together and rolled his thumbs over each other in a calming twiddle. ‘He’s got a doozy of a contusion on his ribs, which will heal in its own good time, an’ the laceration on his eyebrow needed a couple of wee stitches.’

‘Good. That’s good. “A doozy” that a technical term Carson?’

Carson smiled fondly and let the jest melt the heavy mood between them slightly before he carried on. ‘I can’t say the same for his emotional wounds though.’ He glanced at his friend and searched for understanding. ’Ye gave him hope Rodney an’ then ye snatched it back an’ left him empty handed.’ Rodney’s profile was starkly lit by the lights from the room. Carson watched the struggle rage in his friend; anxiety and remorse, love and fear roiled below the surface.

‘It wasn’t my intention to hurt him.’ Rodney’s head bowed heavy with regret. ‘I don’t know how t-to do this,’ he faltered in frustration. ‘If I lost him now; I know it would destroy me, Carson. John’s death literally tore me apart; I’ve just managed put my life back together and I’m not sure I could start over again if anything happened to Evan.’

‘That’s life Rodney. That’s livin’. Livin’ is fear an’ losing an’ ye only win when ye get back up again an’ don’t let that fear stop ye.’

Rodney nodded, staring with unfocused eyes out at the horizon. ‘I know that Carson and I do love him but it.....it terrifies me,’ he said with a hint of pleading on his lips.

Carson turned to his friend. ‘Don’t give up on him because of fear Rodney.’

  
~*~

Nursing his tender ribs, Evan carefully laid down on his bed, which had been thoughtfully changed by Carson, and waited for his anti-inflammatory painkiller to kick in. If he was honest, he felt more battered and bruised emotionally than physically but the desolation eating his soul left a numb void. He could deal with that, he could embrace the emptiness. The door chimes called out, mocking his dark mood with their joyous tone, he unlocked it with a thought and didn’t even bother to open his sore eyes.

‘Um...Are you resting? I-I can come back later. Yes. I’ll just-just come back later.’ Rodney’s voice stammered.     

Evan carefully opened his eyes to see Rodney’s slumped frame retreating for the door, ‘Mer, wait. It’s fine.’ His words, made stodgy by his swollen lip, stopped the scientist and he turned back to Evan, his eye nervously skipping from the floor to Evan and back. ‘C’mon,’ Evan encouraged gently, holding out his hand to Rodney and gritting his teeth against the sharp ache the action produced.

Rodney hesitated, looking at the athletic arm littered with angry red bruises creeping up its length. He clasped Evan’s outstretched hand between his own and knelt beside the bed. He couldn’t look Evan in the eye so bowed his head. ‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered, lips brushing over Evan’s long fingers as he spoke, kissing away the guilt which stained his soul. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.’

The words were so heavy with remorse they weighed down Evan’s heart and shattered the hollowness he’d been nurturing. It left behind a fresh pain over his lover’s distress. He carefully withdrew his hand from Rodney's grasp and cupped the back of his the scientist’s head stroking his thumb over his earlobe. ‘Shhh, babe, it’s alright,’ he cooed, trying to soothe his own grief as much as his lovers.

Rodney held onto Evan’s wrist like it was a lifeline caressing his thumb over the pulse point, his eyes squeezed shut as against the shame filled tears that threatened to spill. The hand slid from his hair to cradle Rodney's cheek. Rodney turned into the warm calloused palm. ‘It’s gonna be okay,’ Evan gentled. ‘I’m fine. I can handle myself and I knew what I was doing. Ptsd can do bad things to you babe but Carson explained about your med’s too. You got your programme worked out?’ Rodney nodded into his hand. ‘You know I love you? For better or worse?’ A tear trickled down Evan’s palm and around his wrist as Rodney nodded again. Evan eased himself up so Rodney was knelt between his legs and held him close. Rodney settled his cheek against Evan’s bare chest and wrapped his arms around his waist. ‘I’ll wait for you Mer. Whatever you need me to do, I’ll do it.’

‘I need you to not give up on me.’

‘There’s no chance of that happening.

‘I didn’t mean to hurt you.’

‘I know that babe.’

‘But I did and don’t want it to happen again.’

‘Look; you were literally unconscious of what was going on Mer. The nightmare was your mind’s way of working through some issues; you didn’t know you were actually hurting someone in reality right?’

Rodney shook his head.

‘Of course you didn’t, you’re not that person Mer. You’ve got your meds sorted out and your therapy sessions set up so you’re doing everything you can to ensure it doesn’t happen again. If it does, we’ll deal with it. To be honest I’m more concerned about you hurting yourself.’

‘Ev’, I’m scared.’

‘Of what baby?’

‘Of losing you.’ The words were a frightened whisper carried on his breath. ‘You were dead; in my nightmare. I don’t want to lose you too.’

When he spoke Evan’s voice was rough with emotion. ‘I won’t make you promises I can’t keep, Mer but I can promise you I’ll do everything within my power to live for you. Okay?’

Rodney nodded against Evan’s chest and there were long seconds of silence before Evan spoke again. ‘If it’s what you need, Mer; I’ll resign in my commission.’

‘Would you ever ask me to resign my position on Atlantis for you?’

‘No, but....’

‘Listen to me.’ Rodney said softly, leaning back to look up at Evan with serious determined eyes. ‘I don’t want you to do that for me. I don’t want to take that away from you. You love the military. John would be proud of the job you’re doing here, of-of how you’re taking care of Atlantis and her people.’

Evan gave a scornful snort and shook his head. ‘I’m not half the CO John was, I don’t know how he did it.’

Rodney’s own words came back to him with sickening clarity. ‘He had me of course,’ Rodney joked with a sardonic twist on his lips. This time Evan huffed out a laugh. ‘You have no idea how much I regret what I said that day. I was jealous and I lashed out at you.  It’s not an excuse but I want you to know I was taking drivel.’

‘It’s not that Mer, I messed up when you were away. I made some really bad choices.’

‘What do you mean “bad choices”.’ Evan’s fingers instinctively curled into the fine scar on his palm and self-consciously pulled his wrist against his thigh.  The action drew Rodney’s attention. He picked up Evan’s hand and gently unfolded the fingers, softly stroked his thumb over the scar tracing the red ridge from palm and down its angry path across his wrist.

‘What did you do?’ Rodney choked.

Evan tried to pull his hand back but Rodney refused to let him. ‘I was drinking, alone, sometimes with friends but mostly alone. I was drinking a lot; too much - I broke a bottle. I was so wasted I cut myself and didn’t even realise. I blacked out in my bathroom; by the time Dr Parrish found me I’d lost a lot of blood - apparently had Carson worried for a while.’

‘Oh god Evan.’ Rodney sat back on his heels still holding Evan’s hand.

‘It’s fine,’ Evan hurried. ‘Carson stepped in, he really helped and I’m doing well. A lot had happened all at once, it just all caught up with me but I was stupid, I put the base, my friends and everyone else in danger.  If the Wraith had attacked or something, I’d have been in no fit state to command.’

‘Well, I’m sorry - for my part in it; I didn’t even consider what you were going through.’

‘Hey, Mer, you lost your husband. You don’t get to apologise for this. I’m glad you did what you had to do and came back. I was starting to think you might stay there.’

‘You know what? Earth doesn't feel like home anymore. Atlantis has been more of a home than Earth ever was. I don’t think I’ll ever go back there, unless I have to of course. You never know when they might need me to save the world.’

Evan snorted a laugh and looked at his lover thoughtfully. ‘You gonna tell me what you went there for?’

‘I attempted to visit John’s grave but his homophobic excuse for a brother refused me access to Casa del Bigot. I guess you could say I went a little nuts, not Ancient experimental bio weapon nuts but just a little, you know, cuckoo.  Anyway, the brother from hell sicced his amoebic Rent-a-Cop on me. General O’Neill had to ride in on his metaphorical white horse and bail me out,’ Rodney admitted with a sheepish smile. 'I always wondered why John never wanted to talk about his brother; he was so open about everything else. Now I know. Anyway, General O’Neill abused his powers to their full extent and beamed us in to the mausoleum via the Daedalus; so I did get a few minutes with John, enough to say what I wanted to say.....and it helped.’

Evan could see the peace settle in Rodney at the memory, it curled its way through tight muscles loosening them and spun a soft thoughtful smile on his slanted lips and he silently thanks General O’Neill for his kindness. ‘Hey, I’m proud of you Mer. It couldn’t have been easy.’

‘I-uh.I also know who coordinated Corporal Morgan’s posting to Atlantis,’ Rodney said hesitantly. ‘It was General Holland.’

Evan raised an eyebrow and looked suitably stunned. ‘You mean, General Holland; Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Holland?’

Rodney nodded. ‘I-um, might have leaked some of his sensitive personal affairs to the press and played around with his identity a little bit.’  

Evan spluttered out a laugh before quickly sobering. ‘Be careful Mer, these are powerful people you’re messing with.’

‘Like the immoral little gremlin didn’t deserve it,’ Rodney scoffed. 'If I’d had more time I’d have ruined him completely and found out why he’s getting exorbitant sums of money paid in from an account in the Caymans.’

‘I’m not saying he didn’t deserve it, just be careful.’

‘Don’t worry, I’m always ..’ His sentence was cut short by yawn and a leaden sensation starting to creep into his muscles. ‘I think whatever Carson’s lackey gave me is starting to work.’

‘C’mon,’ Evan said, carefully moving over in the bed and patting the mattress.

‘No, Evan. Not after last time.’

Evan looked at him resolutely. ‘We’re not going to let this thing control us. If you want to sleep somewhere else because you don’t want to be with me or you want time alone that’s fine but if it’s because you’re scared of what might happen, forget it. I meant what I said. I’m a big boy Mer, I can handle it and I’d rather be here to stop you hurting yourself than have something happen to you.’ Evan couldn’t read the look on Rodney’s face but it made a ball of warmth in the centre of his chest.

‘You’re on my side.’ Rodney said through a small smile

‘Mer, get your ass in bed.’ Evan laughed fondly and eased himself back on to his own side of the mattress. Rodney stood up smiling and walked around the bed, stripping off down to his boxers as he went and lay down next to Evan.

  
~*~

The wrenching ache of every known muscle in Evan’s body grabbed ahold of his unconscious mind and pulled it kicking and screaming from its restful slumber. Moving was going to be interesting. The bathroom door shushed and Evan raised his head from the pillow slightly, only able to half see as one eye was swollen, Rodney step into the room fully dressed in his Science uniform and he couldn’t help but notice the way the material now hung slack in all the wrong places.

‘Ah you’re awake. I’ve got to meet Radek. We’re going to thrash out my restricted duties schedule. I didn’t want to wake you. How are you feeling?’

Evan blinked at the rapid volley of words hitting his muzzy mind and thought it was weird to be able to feel every movement of his eyeball on his tender lid. He let his head fall back onto the pillow and decided to stay put until everything stopped hurting.

‘Evan?’ Rodney’s voice sounded concerned as he carefully sat on Evan’s side of the bed. ‘Do you need me to get, Carson?’

He took Rodney’s hand and squeezed it reassuringly, giving as much of a smile as he could manage without opening the cut on his lip. ‘Just sore babe. It’s not as bad as it looks. Believe me, I’ve had worse, this is nothing.’

‘Somehow that’s not as comforting as you’d expected it to be. Let me help you sit up.’

‘Mer, I’m fine.’

‘Look, stop being a big tough Marine and let me help you.’

‘I’m Air Force Mer,’ Evan replied irritably but held out his arm and let Rodney help him sit up on the edge of the bed.

‘See! Your pride is still intact and I bet it didn’t hurt as much.’

‘Shouldn’t you be gone already?’ Evan groused.

‘You’re welcome, Colonel Crabby!’ Rodney retorted standing. ‘Carson called. You’ve got an appointment with him 0900. Meet me for lunch in the Mess Hall 1300?’

‘Sure.’

‘Right. I’ll be off then.’

Evan caught Rodney’s hand. ‘You okay?’

Rodney gave a small smile. ‘Nervous. How ridiculous! Seems I now care what people think of me. It was much easier when I didn’t give a hoot.’

‘You’ll be fine babe. Everyone has missed you.’

Rodney sighed and gentle extracted his hand from Evan’s to cup his head and lightly kiss the top of his pillow messed hair. ‘I’ll see you at 1300.’

‘Okay.’ Evan replied tiredly.

  
~*~

When he arrived at the lab, to Rodney’s relief, Radek was alone and greeted him with literal open arms. Rodney found himself in a surprisingly firm hug and patted his friend on the back awkwardly. ‘It’s good to be back, Radek; even if you are my boss now. Don’t let it go to that fuzzy head of yours.’

‘As if I would my friend,’ Radek said smiling and slapping his friend on the back as he broke their embrace. ‘It is good to have you back Rodney, in any capacity.’

‘Yes. Well,’ Rodney said clapping his hands together in front of him. ‘So, what’s first on the agenda oh boss of mine.’

‘Let us first sit and work out your schedule,’ Radek said guiding the other scientist to the chair next to him.

  
~*~

Evan ignored the stares he was drawing, picked up his laden tray and chose a table in a corner of the Mess Hall. He couldn’t deny he looked beat up but it was no way unusual for members of the military to go around bearing all manner of injuries, it was simply a hazard of the job. If anyone asked he blamed an off world incident. Fair enough his team knew that wasn’t true and probably some of the control room staff too but they respected him enough not to question his word. He stabbed a fork into his not-quite-pork and tried to ignore its unappetizing purplish grey colour as he carefully ate. A tray slapped down on the table in front of him. ‘I know I’ve been out of the loop for a while and with good reason of course, but the level of moronic stupidity in some of the labs has increased at least tenfold,’ Rodney said as he sat in the seat opposite Evan.

‘Good first morning back, Dr.McKay?’ Evan smiled through his not-quite-pork.

‘Nice Colonel. Great manners you have there. You know, I must have been a supremely calm and effective CSO. Radek is going to lose all his hair before the year is out if he keeps tearing at it the way he is now.’

‘He’d look like Tweety Pie with no hair,’ Evan mused. Rodney snorted his almost-blueberry-muffin across the table. Evan handed him a paper towel. ‘Great manners you have their McKay,’ he smirked.

Rodney glared. ‘That was absolutely not my fault!’ he protested wiping his mouth and chin clean.

Evan sighed and smiled to himself. ‘That’s what you get for eating your dessert first. So, you going back to the labs this afternoon?’

‘No. I have a standing appointment with my therapist in the afternoons, so she can interrogate and torture me with her inane psycho-babble.’

‘Can I watch?’

‘Pervert,’ Rodney grumbled and picked at his sandwich. All of a sudden his shoulders slumped, his smirk fell and the colour literally drained from his face.

‘Mer, you okay?’ Evan whispered across the table in concern. Rodney’s eyes flicked up to meet his and he shook his head. ‘What’s wrong?’ he whispered more forcefully.

‘It’s John’s favourite,’ Rodney replied flatly. ‘I just picked it up I didn’t even look.’

Evan struggled not to reach his hand out across the table and comfort his lover; instead he slid his foot alongside Rodney’s.

‘Wanna swap.’ Evan offered casually.

Rodney gave a grateful smile and pushed his plate towards Evan. ‘Thanks.’ A heavy silence settled between them. Evan ate his adopted turkey sandwich and Rodney listlessly played with his not-quite-pork. ‘Sorry. Sometimes the stupidest things bring it all back and it just blindsides me, I...’ Rodney dropped his fork on the plate in frustration and rested his forearms on the table, his hands clenched into tight balls.

Evan desperately fought the instinct humming in every fibre of his body to physically allay Rodney’s distress. ‘Mer,’ he said in a hushed tone. ‘It’s okay. There’s always gonna be memories. That’s not a bad thing though, right? You don’t want to forget him.’

‘No, no. Of course not;  it just, it still hurts and I thought at first, it would stop hurting. Time heals all wounds and all that, but now, I don’t think it’s ever going to stop.’ Rodney looked up and his pained expression tore through Evan making him feel helpless.

‘I wish I could tell you it'll stop. Maybe it never does, maybe it just gets quieter?’

Rodney nodded, drew his hands together and rested them between his thighs. ‘You help,’ Rodney said quietly.

‘Good to see you back, Dr. McKay,’ David Parrish announced as he sat in the spare chair next to Evan. Rodney flashed a quick look of panic Evan’s way, to which Evan’s expression quickly replied _calm the fuck down_.

Rodney stood, bumping against the table as he did, looked at his watch, gathered his tray and said, ‘Oh is that the time. I’ve got an appointment. Must dash - thanks for the lunch Colonel, Dr Parrish thank you for the warm welcome - Goodbye.’ Before hurrying out.

‘Subtle,’ David drawled.

Evan looked at him pointedly.

‘What? I was doing you a favour and keeping the closet door shut. There’s some loose lips over there flapping about the intensity pouring off this table and by the way what the hell happened to you?’

‘Off world incident,’ Evan said, ignoring David’s snort of derision as he tried to put names to the faces of the group David had indicated. Dr. Bryce he recognised from Radek’s lab the other two looked like new rotations fresh off the last Daedalus run, Sergeant Adam Kendler and Corporal Louise D’ovidio but he couldn’t place the other scientist. ‘What’s their problem?’

‘Apart from the fact Dr Coleman over there has the hots for you, a jealous streak a mile wide and a poison tongue, nothing.’

‘What’s my people’s involvement?’

‘I think just by association. D’ovido is Dr Coleman’s bestie,’ he said, using sarcastic air quotes. ‘But she’s loyal to you and Kendler dated Coleman back at SGC.’

‘Okay, thanks for the heads-up.’

‘Be careful Evan.’ He stood up and patted Evan’s shoulder. ‘We’re a closed community of highly intelligent people who get bored easily. Gossip is the main form of entertainment.’

‘I will be.’

Evan waited until David was back at his table then collected his tray up and left.

  
~*~

Blindly Rodney jogged through the corridors. He needed to get as far away from the mess as possible; away from people’s curious stares; away from Evan’s concern that threatened to publicly strip him of his composure; away from turkey fucking sandwiches. How could such a small thing bring everything tumbling down around him? Anger at himself started to tangle and spin with his pain and hurt building a turbulent monster within him that roared to escape. A needle sharp stitch pierced Rodney’s side forcing him to stop where he was, breathing hard from exertion he leant his forearms on the cold damp wall to rest. He kicked the wall hard, cursing loudly. He kicked again and again, curses hitting the wall as hard as his foot until he was spent and laid his forehead against his arms, his cusses dying on his lips into a forlorn whimper. His ankle throbbed in protest at its abuse making him snort a cheerless laugh. The long walk back was going to be a bitch. In fact, where the hell was he? He had no recollection of deciding a direction he’d just run. Rodney turned around taking in his surroundings. He recognised these dark dank corridors, the unpleasant smell so strong you could taste it; dread and fear pulled his stomach out through his toes like he’d plummeted off the crest of a roller coaster. He was standing within feet of where John had been shot, his eyes fixed on the spot where John had fallen. Rodney’s remaining strength disappeared and he slid down the wall until he sat on the wet floor, one knee bent and his throbbing ankle outstretched. It felt so long ago but as vivid as if it had happened yesterday, the memories distant but still sharp enough to cut. There was nothing he could have done. The realisation coalesced in his mind with blinding clarity, for the first time he believed it was true and it made his throat painfully tight with emotion. ’I’m sorry John,’ he said to the space where his husband had taken some of his final breaths. He closed his eyes against the tears and squeezed the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger, drawing in a deep shuddering breath.

‘Mer, it’s Evan, please report for God’s sake.’ Evan’s breathless order, tinged with panic, sounded loudly in his ear and made Rodney start.

‘I’m here,’ Rodney answered, a confusion of relief, gratitude and deep affection at the familiar voice in his ear

It sounded like Evan had stopped running. ‘God dammit, Mer. You missed your Psych appointment. Why haven’t you been responding?’

‘I lost track of time and I didn’t hear your hails that’s why.’

‘You must have your comm’ on do not disturb. I’m on a private channel. Chuck located your transponder in the Lower East Tower. You scared the shit out of me. You okay?’

‘Sorry. I’m-ah going to need some help getting back, I hurt my ankle.’

It didn’t escape Evan’s notice that Rodney dodged his question but he let it go. ‘You need me to get Carson?’

‘No. I need you to get in here and help me up.’

Rodney could hear the smile of relief in Evan’s voice. ‘I’m on my way; ETA four minutes, hold tight.’

True to his word four minutes later Rodney heard footsteps approaching up the corridor and he couldn’t help the little burst of fear that exploded in his chest at the sound and he called out into the half-light. ‘Evan, is that you?’

‘It’s me Mer,’ Evan confirmed and picked up his pace.

Rodney’s pale face and look of relief as he turned the corner spurred Evan to jog the rest of the way. He crouched down in front of him and rubbed his arm comfortingly, ‘It’s okay; I’m here. Let’s get you up.’ Putting one arm around Rodney’s back and pulling Rodney’s arm over his shoulder together they stood up slowly. Only sparing himself a brief glance over to where the phantom body of his former CO lay Evan turned them away and started their slow hobble back down the corridor. ‘How d’you hurt your ankle?’

‘Um-kicking the wall but let’s say it was something more heroic like I was trying to save a sea bird and slipped.’

‘No one’s going to believe that but whatever you want babe.’ Evan smiled squeezing Rodney’s wrist.

  
~*~

Over the next few weeks Rodney settled into a routine and discovered he actually enjoyed coming into the lab, getting his work done, going home and not having all the responsibilities. There were no constant interruptions about a particular scientist hogging a certain piece of equipment or complaints about a department being given priority over another or worrying about replacing important lab equipment because some incompetent fool had spilt their coffee over something. It was just him and his work. Radek now had all the headaches and worry he used to carry and Rodney couldn’t find it within himself to regret it. Sure there were downsides; he sometimes itched to get in on the Department Head’s meetings or overrule Radek out of habit. It was hard to take the backseat but in his heart of hearts he knew it was the right thing for him to do.

The Box of Ancient Doo Hickey’s, and Rodney had some choice words for whoever wrote that on the side of the crate, had been sitting on his workbench for a better part of two weeks. He sat and stared at the innocuous looking box again and sighed; he had to get started on it sooner or later but every time he went to open the box it brought a flood of memories; John, playfully resentful, spending hours initiating Ancient gizmos while Rodney would categorize and assign them to departments’ for further study. He hadn’t realised it at the time but those prosaic hours in his lab with John had been some of the most cherished of his life.

Evan chose that moment to stroll into the lab. ‘Hey, what can I do for you Dr McKay.’

‘It’s just us. You can drop the formalities,’ Rodney grumbled, pulling the box over to wear he sat.

‘You can never be too careful. What’s up?’

‘Nothing. Why does anything have to be ‘up’? Rodney air quoted sarcastically. ‘I need a light switch and you’re convenient.’

‘Way to make me feel needed Mer.’

‘You don’t need to feel needed just hold things and tell me what they are.’

Evan raised an eyebrow and looked at Rodney with a dirty smirk.

‘Oh for God’s sake, Colonel get your mind out of the gutter,’ he said trying to hold onto his bad mood and failing when a smile tugged at his lips.

Hopping up onto one of the stools Evan got comfortable and held his palm out, ‘C’mon then Mer, use me.’ Rodney looked at Evan, head tilted to side, an expression of mock annoyance on his face.

‘Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on with you Mer,’ Evan said in a low voice with understanding shining in his eyes. Rodney felt those intuitive eyes bore right into his soul, making him drop his head in an attempt to hide.

Getting up from his stool Evan laid a comforting hand on the small of Rodney’s back and reached across him, into the box, pulling out an item. ‘Let’s do this.’

‘Yes!’ Rodney said with determination as he fired up his laptop.

They spent the next hour sorting through everything from an Ancient version of an electric toothbrush, to a soil tester, to a remote control but for what they had no idea. ‘One more then what d’you say we break for food?’ Evan asked pulling out a white pyramid that sat on his palm.

‘I’m starving, probably skirting around hypoglycaemia already,’ Rodney moaned under his breath.

Evan smiled fondly while he listened to the device whisper its secrets to him. The information coming from the object was confusing; he felt the hum in the nape of his neck which usually meant something had sufficient power but no warm tingle in his hand which would normally suggest it had been initiated. Neither was there any mental suggestion of what the object might be. ‘Um Mer, I think this one’s broken.’

‘Really? You’re not getting anything from it?’

‘Apart from it has a functioning power source but won’t initiate, no, nothing.’

‘Leave it to the side. I’ll take the housing off and have a look at the power source tomorrow.’

Evan put the device on the table and stretched out his stiff muscles while watching Rodney move confidently around the room locking away the already labelled gizmos. As the scientist moved past, on his way back to his laptop, Evan pulled him into his body, holding on to the waist of his Science Blues so their groins and legs were flush. Rodney held Evan’s hips and leant his upper body back a little affording him enough distance to focus. ‘Anyone could walk in. This is dangerous, Evan.’

Evan used one hand on Rodney’s neck to bring his head closer, ‘This kind of danger I can handle.’ He was so close Rodney could feel Evan’s hot breath and lips brush against his own when he spoke.’

‘If we get caught..’ Rodney started but was silenced by Evan taking his bottom lip between his own with a gentle licking suck before releasing it, only to capture it again immediately from another angle as Rodney took Evan’s top lip between his. Evan slid his hand into the back of Rodney’s hair, cupping his head to still him so he could part Rodney’s lips wide allowing his tongue access. Evan’s tongue clashed with Rodney’s, tasting coffee as they curled around each other, their heads swapping sides to change angles, each chasing the other’s taste. Arousal tingled down the backs of Evan’s thighs and he forced himself to gently draw back, sucking and swiping his tongue across Rodney’s bottom lip briefly as he did, heart beating rapidly, breathless, he couldn’t resist kissing Rodney’s glossy lips quickly a few times before stepping back. He licked his own lips tasting their kiss, watching Rodney’s eyes follow his tongue. Evan softly ran the pad of his thumb over Rodney’s wet lips and gave a shaky sigh and swallowed hard, ‘That was way too hot.’ Rodney nodded.

‘I need some air,’ Rodney said smoothing down his shirt and heading for the door. Evan followed him out the door and nearly ran straight into the back of the Scientist when he stopped dead. ‘Mckay!’

‘Sorry, sorry. Forgot to log off my laptop,’ he said still flustered. ‘That’s your fault,’ he yelled over his shoulder as he went back into the lab.

Smiling smugly to himself Evan waited for Rodney to come back out. The scientist reappeared a couple of minutes later sporting a look of combined irritation and bliss. ‘Okay Sergeant Smug, let’s go.’ In unison they turned back but hadn’t taken more than a few steps, when an ear bursting explosion behind them sent a blast wave along the corridor, picking their bodies up and throwing them through the air landing hard a few feet further up the corridor, fragmentation raining down on them.

Evan’s ears were ringing loudly and there was only a muffled blanket of silence beyond that, heated particles were falling and a searing heat behind him was getting hotter. His cheek was against the floor and through the smoke Evan could see Rodney lying beside him blinking in shock. They had to get out. He grabbed the arm of Rodney’s shirt, pushed himself up pulling Rodney with him and dragged him along until they were both stumbling, supporting each other, choking on the smoke and heated dust. They reached the door, Rodney lent against the wall his lungs burning as Evan waved his hands over the crystals. Nothing happened. Evan swore, or at least he thought he did, he couldn’t hear his voice and his throat burned with pain. Rodney pushed him aside and deftly removed the door plate, took a small pair of tweezersnose pliers from his pocket and twisted the bottom crystal, the door unlocked sliding back enough for them to get their hands in and manually wrench the door aside to squeeze through into the atrium. They fell through, collapsed to their knees, fighting for breath and coughing until they were sick.

Stackhouse and his team came skidding to a halt in front of Evan, he could see Stackhouse’s lips moving but there was no sound, Evan signed that he couldn’t hear and did his best to give a verbal report, his throat was killing him and couldn’t tell if he was speaking clearly or not. Carson pushed past Stackhouse and indicated to Evan in no uncertain terms to shut up, ordering him up onto a gurney, miming to lay on his front, then started cutting away his clothes. Evan, now with his bare ass on display, let a nurse placed an oxygen mask over his face while Carson applied sterile dressings to his back, legs, buttocks and shoulders. Evan started to worry and looked up searching for Rodney. He was receiving the same treatment and was lying face down on the gurney opposite, swatting his hand at the nurse trying to put the mask on his face. Livid red burns on his pale skin made Evan’s stomach turn, he grabbed Carson’s wrist to get his attention and pointed desperately towards Rodney who was becoming more and more agitated by the second. Carson quickly finished his dressings, ran around the gurney and grabbed the mask from the nurse. Evan couldn't see what was happening now; Carson’s stocky frame blocked his view. His own back and legs were starting to hurt like a mother fucker. He rested his head on the gurney and tried to breathe through the pain. The nurse who’d been with Rodney was now inserting an IV into Evan’s hand, something ice cool trickled into his veins and soon his eyelids became heavy until he couldn’t keep them open any longer.

  
~*~

Rodney lay on his belly and thought things couldn’t get more humiliating if he tried, his lab had blown up and he was never going to hear the end of that one, his naked ass was on full view for everyone to see, his back felt like it was on fire and he had no idea where Evan was. Gritting his teeth against the pain he turned his head and tried desperately to find Evan amongst the crowd. To his relief Evan lay face down on his own gurney. His relief was quickly replaced by panic as Evan’s scorched BDU’s and shirt were cut off to reveal bloody sticky burns, he watched as Carson started dressing the wounds, a nurse tried to fit a mask over Rodney’s face but he swatted her away, he needed to see Evan and make sure he was okay. Rodney tried to tell her but his throat was raw, he couldn’t speak and he couldn’t hear what she was saying over the ringing in his ears, she kept trying to place the mask on him and he kept pushing her away, his breathing started to get erratic, the pain in his back was getting worse, he swatted harder at the nurse only to find a strong firm hand grab his wrist. He looked up to see Carson giving him a stern look which in no uncertain terms said ‘quit it or I’ll use the big needle’. Carson pointed at Evan and then signed okay. Rodney nodded and calmed a little.  Carson put his finger to his own lips instructing Rodney not to speak, he held the oxygen mask up indicating he was going to put it on and Rodney nodded again and let him. A sharp pinch on his other hand made him flinch followed not long after by a cool trickle, he looked at Carson and pointed feebly at Evan trying to tell the Doctor to take care of him but darkness folded around him.

  
~*~

When Rodney first awoke the intense pain throbbing along his back, his buttocks and down his legs was an instant reminder of why he was laying prone. The ringing in his ears had been joined by the muffled beeps of medical equipment. Soft glowing lights illuminated the small private room but not enough to stretch into the shadowed corners. Evan lay next to him, on his own infirmary bed, stripped of clothes - exposing the soft pink patches of new skin still healing - he was either still asleep or unconscious, Rodney wasn’t sure which and that scared him. He struggled to keep his heavy eyelids open but sleep reached out its hand and pulled him back under into oblivion.

The second time Rodney woke the pain was a vivid ache, pinching right down to his bones. Carson was sat on a chair, between his and Evan’s bed, cradling his tablet in one hand while he typed skilfully on it with the other. Rodney moved his numbed arm to remove the mask from his mouth only to discover his reach restricted by the IV line in his hand and the movement alerted the Doctor.

‘Ah! There ye are lad.’ Carson stood quickly to still Rodney’s hand. His voice sounded far away, or like Rodney was wearing earmuffs. ‘Don’t be messin’ with that now. Just hold ye horses for a wee bit.’ Carson moved swiftly, checking monitors and Rodney’s reactions before gently removing the mask from Rodney’s face. ‘How much do ye remember Rodney?’

‘Explosion; try t’ find way out. Evan?’ His voice came out in a broken, dry, painful croak.

‘Ye both pretty much the same. Damn lucky. Ye had smoke inhalation, which fortunately was minor but ye both had moderate second degree burns tae ye back, buttocks, thighs and arms. Ye’ve both been in the Ancient healing device a couple of times over the last two days. I’ve kept ye sedated because the auto-grafting process is not a comfortable one tae say the least. I’ve brought ye both back around because I wanted tae check ye progress and pain levels. Evan’s been in an’ out for a wee while. Where are ye most in pain and on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the lowest?’

‘Back, 9. Legs, arms 7. Throat, 6.’ Carson noted it all down as Rodney croaked out his response.

‘Right, as I told Evan, 70% of the damage to the epidermis and dermis tissue has been regenerated. We need ye both tae have one more session of auto-grafting, then it will be a couple of days before ye’ll be up and about but ye’ll be right as rain after that. No permanent scarring, the patches of new skin will just look like sunburn for a couple of weeks.’

‘Was it... Ancient device... in lab?’

Carson looked uncomfortable. ‘There’s plenty of time tae talk about that later, ye just concentrate on getting better, it’s all bein’ taken care of. Right I’m going to administer a painkiller and sedative Rodney. I won’t be a tick.’ Carson busied himself preparing the syringes then slowly injected the sedative and pain killer, Rodney drifted off again to a soft happy place.

  
~*~  
  
            The third time Rodney awoke he was still lying face down in bed and groaned internally. The intense pain had turned into a dull constant ache. He was also pretty sure the good drugs were wearing off because his brain didn’t have the consistency and mental aptitude of cotton wool anymore. To his relief murmuring voices off to his right rose and fell, which meant his ears were working once again to some degree. His eyes were sore and dry but he tried to open them anyway, squinting through the bright lights it took him a few moments to focus on Evan who was sitting up in his own bed, chest bare and the large expanse of sterile dressings on his back obvious as they curled around his ribcage and shoulders. Rodney stayed silent while Carson pulled the curtain out between the two beds and proceeded to check his vitals, carefully removed IV lines, the catheter and finally the oxygen mask. They went through his pain levels again, Carson confirming Rodney’s suspicions that his medication had been decreased and would continue to be. The doctor was pleased with his progress; he was apparently healing well enough that he could turn over and sit up for a while and even visit the bathroom if someone went with him. After the protective dressing had been applied to his delicate new skin Carson helped Rodney turn over and sit up and pulled back the curtain. By this time Rodney was exhausted and let his head rest against the wall, closed his eyes and let himself drift.

‘You alright?’ Evan’s voice rasped with an unnatural bass to it.

Rodney tried to answer but nothing came out, clearing his throat, he tried again. ‘’m fine. You?’

Evan smiled, his eyes drinking in the sight of Rodney conscious and talking again. ‘I’m good now.’  

‘Hey hey hey, less of that now!’ Carson said firmly as he came back into the room, ‘Ye’s two are not tae be talking.’ Carson turned pointing to look at Rodney who had opened his mouth ready to retort. ‘I mean it Rodney. I could heal ye external wounds but there’s nothing I can do tae speed up ye inhalation burns. I’ve done what I can an’ ye out of danger, ye just have tae let it heal in its own good time. That means minimum of talking for the next 24 hours. Now, ye grafts are pretty much healed, I’ve applied the dressing as an additional precaution because it’s a wee bit delicate. If ye promise me ye’ll behave ye’selves, and that means not talking, an’ keeping ye dressin’ clean and dry then ye can return tae ye room?’

Rodney nodded vigorously and Evan gave an emphatic thumbs up. Carson laid out two sets of scrubs. ‘Ye’re both on medical leave for the next two days, then I want tae see ye before I let ye back tae active duty. I’ll leave ye both tae it, if ye need me hit the call button.’

Evan was already up and out of bed shrugging into his scrubs before Carson had left the room, he looked to Rodney and made an impatient circling motion in the air with his finger. Rodney rolled his eyes dramatically, gave him a two fingered sign and threw back the covers.

It was late when they left their private room; the lights in the main infirmary were down low. Quietly they passed by the few sleeping patients and made their way in silence back to Evan’s quarters. Rodney entered the room first, coming to a halt in the middle of the floor as a wave of relief took him by surprise. Evan’s left arm slide across Rodney’s clavicle, drawing him closer the warm, hard body behind him and Evan rested his cheek on Rodney’s right shoulder.

Rodney grasped Evan’s wrist, squeezing it briefly in comfort, as he closed his eyes and took some time just be grateful they’d both been so lucky. They stood there in silence until Evan’s head move from his shoulder to whisper warmly in his ear ‘Bed?’ Rodney turned his head to give an agreeing smile over his shoulder.

Kissing Rodney’s smile briefly as he moved away Evan left behind a cold space that made Rodney shiver and want to reach out to pull him back. He didn't, instead he watched Evan move across the room, controlled dynamism in every muscle, and pull off his blue papery top to reveal the dressings covering his back and creeping up from his waistline. Scrunching up the disposable shirt he threw it across the room, missing the bin by inches so it hit the wall and landed on the floor beside it. Dropping his scrub bottoms and boxers he stepped out of them, Rodney felt his heart clench at the extent of his wounds and realised once again how lucky they’d been to have Ancient technology heal them both. Evan threw the remaining half of his scrubs, this time they hit their target and Rodney smiled at the self-satisfied nod Evan gave. The warm feeling that lived in the centre of his chest whenever he was near Evan or thought of him surged through Rodney, making his heart race.

Pulling on some clean sleep shorts, Evan turned to see Rodney still fully clothed watching him from across the room. His brows drew together in concern and he inclined his head in mute question. Eyes shining with the emotions coursing through him Rodney shook his head that nothing was wrong. Evan raised his brows, in and expression that said a sarcastic ‘yeah right’. Smiling with amusement Rodney walked over, he cupped Evan’s face between his hands, leant in and kissed him - sucking gently on Evan’s lower lip, releasing it only to capture his top lip and tease it gently between his own briefly before releasing it. He placed a soft butterfly kiss to the tip of Evan’s nose then his forehead and released his hold on Evan’s face. Evan cupped Rodney’s cheek lovingly. Rodney closed his eyes and held the hand in place, turning his lips into it, soaking in the adoration it bestowed. Evan released his cheek only to take his hand and lead him over to the bed. Evan stripped him of his scrubs and got into bed, holding the covers open for Rodney. They lay down facing each other; their head’s sharing one pillow, a hand on the other’s cheek, their wrists crossed against each other’s. Rodney stretched across the infinitesimal space between them to kiss Evan slowly. Evan’s thumb caressed Rodney’s cheek bone as he returned the kisses. Laying his head back down on the pillow, Evan took Rodney’s hand from his cheek, entwined their fingers and rested Rodney’s hand on the bed with his on top. Rodney watched the blue eyes in front of him glint with a love filled lustre and wished desperately with all his heart he could force out the words that were sticking in his throat. Instead he said them over and over again silently in his head hoping that Evan would see it in his eyes too.  
  


  
  



	25. Losing When You Win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tags have been updated so please take a look if you feel the need cherubs.  
> ___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Even after a couple of weeks the air was still heavy and oppressive with the acrid smell of damp char. Hideous shadows stretched across the grotesque ebonised shapes of what had once been his lab. At Rodney’s feet lay the metal stool Evan had been sitting on scant minutes before the blast, now a contorted mockery of modern art. A chill ran down his spine, into his veins, making his body shudder at the thought of what could have been.

‘There is nothing to be saved Rodney. It is very late, what are you doing here?’ asked Radek softly from the buckled doorway.

‘I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to see for myself; you know, face your fear and all that. If I wasn’t a scientist and above such things I might hypothesise this was all his doing,’ Rodney said, flapping one hand around to indicate his burnt out lab.

Radek’s eyebrows drew together in confusion. ‘Whose?’

Turning to address his friend, Rodney shoved his trembling hands deep into the pockets of his BDU’s. ‘Corporal Morgan.’ This time Radek’s eyebrows shot up over the frame of his glasses. ‘Oh don’t get your panties in a twist Radek; I specifically said if I _wasn’t_ a scientist.’ Rodney squeezed past, escaping into the scorched corridor and less oppressive air. ’Unless, of course, you’re casting aspersions on my status as a scientist?’ he continued loftily over his shoulder, ‘Which I wouldn't put past you or those shifty little eyebrows of yours. In fact if any eyebrows are raised it should be at that questionable Doctorate of yours; it probably came from some Bohemian backstreet college handing out PhD’s based on how fuzzy your hair was.’

‘Yes, Rodney, that is exactly it.’ Radek followed behind, shaking his head but smiling to himself, taking quiet delight in being able to banter again with his friend.

‘It’s driving me insane that we’ll never know what all those Ancient Doohickey’s were.’ Rodney stopped dead in the middle of the corridor, raising his hands in despair only to let them drop in defeat with a slap against his thighs. ‘Now I’m saying it! I’ve been brainwashed!’ Whipping around to face a startled Radek and wagging an accusing finger Rodney demanded, ‘Who was the imbecile let loose with a marker pen, c’mon tell me, it was Kavanagh wasn’t it?’

Radek rolled his eyes in exasperation. ‘It is irrelevant Rodney, the box is as good as ashes - maybe you should concern yourself more with cause of explosion, yes?’

‘Thank you Dr Obvious for that insightful piece of advice,’ Rodney singsonged as he turned on his heel and carried on down the corridor. ‘As if that hasn’t been on my mind since? Oh I don’t know? Since it happened maybe!’

‘Well, it is not like anyone would know. You refuse to talk to anyone about it, what else are people to think? We are not mind readers Rodney.’ Radek trotted after his friend, halting their journey with a concerned touch to his friend’s arm. ‘Rodney,’ Radek started, his voice laced with regret, ‘Elizabeth read the investigation report, she suspects someone else is involved; someone on Atlantis. It was no accident.’

Rodney stared over Radek’s head at the teal walls, his mouth tight with anger. ‘I know. I’ve had my suspicions too.’

‘You have someone in mind?’

‘No, just putting two and two together as it were.’

‘We must be cautious. I have to go to M7G 677, they have reported problems with their field generator again but it should not take long. Once I am back and Evan has returned from off world, Elizabeth thinks it would be prudent to suspend further gate activity while further investigation is carried out.’

Rodney checked his watch. ‘They’re not due to check in for another six hours. The Zoeaeon festival goes on for two days so they won’t be back until lunchtime tomorrow. At least it’s not us sitting there with Darrow wreaths on our heads. I couldn’t get the smell out of my hair for a week last time.’

‘Yes, I think you may have rubbed a little too hard Rodney, there is definitely less hair than before,’ Radek deadpanned as he walked off leaving Rodney spluttering behind him.

‘Well, at least I don’t look like the love child of Einstein and Tweety Pie!’ Rodney called after him.

‘Ahhh but I have mine Rodney,’ Radek called back over his shoulder, scrubbing his hand over his hair to make it even more wild, ‘It is all mine,’ he laughed

‘Show off!’ Rodney mumbled.

‘Get some rest Rodney. It is much too late to be wandering derelict corridors.’

‘What are you? My mother? What am I saying, she wouldn’t have even noticed,’ Rodney mumbled to himself.

Begrudgingly, Rodney made his way back to Evan’s quarters, and dropped unceremoniously onto the bed fully clothed. He was bone weary but he missed Evan’s warmth next to him which, in turn, reminded him of missing John. Comparing how similar the two feelings were scared him but Evan was coming back, at least that’s what he kept telling himself over and over again but that gut tearing fear, whenever the thought of Evan not coming back slipped by his defences, made him want to throw up. It was worse now than before, when he’d worry about John not coming back, then it had been an unknown entity to him, just a horrific scenario his imagination hadn’t even been able to come close to.  Now he knew the reality of loss; the abyss of losing his lover - his world, how hard it was to climb out of and how easy it was not to, the scars you got from falling and clawing your way out that never really faded but became part of who you are and how the smallest reminder could knock those scars and reopen the wound. Rodney grabbed Evan’s pillow with defeated annoyance, turning on his side and hugging it close, he closed his eyes and inhaled the musky scent imbued in its fibres, wanting to be rested when Evan returned and if he had to act like a lovesick teenager to get it, so be it.

 

Rodney’s eyes snapped open to a pitch black room; something deep inside, a dark heavy weight of foreboding added to the confusing unexplained terror he felt building in his chest.

‘Weir to McKay’ Elizabeth’s voice in his earwig made him start.

‘Mckay here.’ Rodney answered as he sat up, panic making his voice clipped.

‘We need you geared up and in the Gate room immediately.’

‘What’s going on Elizabeth?’

‘Nothing’s terribly wrong, I’m sorry to have to wake you, Rodney; Colonel Lorne has accidentally triggered some ancient technology, they think it may be the entrance to an outpost but they need another gene carrier to initiate the entrance authorisation and help in identifying what they’ve found.

Rodney sleepily hefted himself out of bed. ‘Sure. Good job I didn’t get undressed then.’

‘Sorry, Rodney, I didn’t quite catch that,’ came elizabeths admonishing reply.

‘Nothing. I’m on my way, eta 20 minutes.’  

‘Good, see you then. Weir out.’

~*~

The Ready Room held a quiet, eerie stillness which didn’t dissipate when Rodney entered and the lights flickered on. With unease still churning in his stomach and trembling hands Rodney strapped his gun to his thigh and struggled to fasten the clip on his vest. Making sure he had spare batteries for his tablet and a couple of generic crystals Rodney stood in the empty room and tried to calm himself, breathing in through his nose a couple of times and wiping his clammy brow with the back of his arm.

‘Rodney, ye okay lad?’ Rodney’s eyes snapped open to see Carson standing in front of him, ducking his head slightly trying to get a look at his face, he hadn’t even heard him come in.

‘Fine. I’m fine Carson. Thanks. It’s just ...I haven’t done this in a while.’

‘Ye’ll do fine. It’ll be a walk in the park,’ Carson said as he double checked Rodney’s vest.

‘Right! Thanks for just jinxing it Carson.’

Carson smiled mischievously. ‘Ye just wait until I tell Radek you’ve gone all superstitious on us.’ He chuckled and clapped Rodney on the back indicating he was all done.

‘I am not superstitious!’ Rodney defended as he picked up his tablet, his trepidation replaced by irritation.

‘Of course not Rodney.’

‘I’m not!’

‘Whatever ye say Rodney.’

‘Go practise your voodoo you old quack, some of us have real work to do.’ Rodney said fondly.

‘Cheeky bugger,’ Carson called in mock offence as Rodney left.

~*~

Elizabeth stood in front of the Stargate in quiet conversation with Sergeant Kendler.

‘Okay, let’s do this,’ Rodney said with more confidence than he felt as he walked over to them.

‘Thank you for doing this Rodney. I know you’ve not been off world for some time but this is just the thing to get you back in the game. Sergeant, I expect you to check-in in 3 hours, let me know what you’ve found, if anything.’

‘Yes Sir. Follow me Doctor McKay.’

~*~

Rodney stepped out of the event horizon into a pleasant balmy day. The sun shone brightly, blinding him momentarily until his sight adjusted by which time Kendler had strode down the steps of the plinth and was walking off along the path, kicking up dust as he went. ‘Keep up McKay!’ Kendler yell over his shoulder.

Rodney reluctantly jogged to catch up. ‘How far is it?’ he puffed.

‘Just up ahead.’

‘Well that’s very informative. Do you think you could possibly narrow down your wildly unhelpful generalisation into something a little bit more precise, maybe something that has an actual unit of measurement in it?’

Kendler stopped, turned around and was pointing the barrel of a P90 at Rodney’s nose before he even had a chance to react. No matter how many times Rodney had literally stared into the muzzle of a gun being waved in his face it never got easier; he still froze with shock, adrenaline flooding his body, his heart thudding in fear, panic scrambling his brain.

‘Look Doc, why don’t you do yourself a favour and shut your mouth.’ Kendler kept the P90 locked on its target as he reached down and carefully relieved Rodney of his hand gun. He moved behind Rodney poking him in the small of the back with the gun. ‘Move!  Keep moving until I tell you to stop.’

The prod to his back broke the spell shock and panic had woven around him. ‘Look, there’s no need to be so...’ A hard, sharp, teeth jarring pain to the back of his head stopped Rodney as the butt of the P90 made contact with his skull.

’Shut the fuck up and keep walking. Jesus! For a genius you’re as dumb as dog shit McKay,’ Kendler growled.

Rubbing the hot bump already forming on his head Rodney tried to stay calm and frantically figure out what to do as they resumed their trek farther and farther away from the gate but his brain kept veering off wondering where Evan was if he was okay.

~*~

The metal cuffs around Evan’s wrists bit deeper into his skin with every tiny sway of his body sending sickening waves of pain and trickles of warm blood down his arms. His hands were pulled tightly together above his naked body, his biceps forcing his head forward so he couldn’t even raise it. If Evan could’ve seen anything through the black scratchy hood it would have been his own filthy bare feet as he strained to keep his toes on the metal grating of the floor in the vain attempt to stop any motion of his body. The muscles in his arms, flanks, stomach and back burned painfully with the strain of being suspended for so long.

Time had slipped away from him; at first he’d tried to keep track but there was no sunlight to go by, he’d been given no food or water, there were no odours apart from the stench of his own filth and it had been a while since he’d had to relieve himself, there were no sounds - until that is, his captors whoever they were, had started blasting the room with something similar to an air horn. The noise level had made his ears feel like they were bleeding; it certainly stopped him from falling asleep. What hurt more than anything else was the fact one of his own men had betrayed him.  He kept going over it in his mind, looking for signs he might have missed.

It hadn’t been far into their trek from the gate when Kendler, who was supposed to have been covering their six, had put a bullet in the back of the heads of Private Brody and Corporal Dagar. When Evan had reacted to the shots he’d been grabbed from behind and injected with something, the next thing he knew he’d woken up in his current uncomfortable position.

A soft click from somewhere in front of him caught his attention; a waft of cool clean air, brushing his skin and circulating the stagnant room, told him a door, a window or something had opened to the outside world. He tried to ignore the pain gripping his body, demanding his attention and listened hard; a soft shush - like material - moved somewhere near him but it was gone too quickly to pinpoint. Gloved hands grabbed hold of his waist seconds before a fist impacted hard into his stomach, making his strained muscles clench, winding him first then he sucked foul tasting material into his mouth as he gasped and cried out in agony with the following blows. There was no time to recover before the onslaught gathered pace and his body was pummelled viciously over and over again. Evan’s body was slick, he couldn’t tell if it was blood or sweat or a mixture of both, his bitten off cries and chokes bounced around the room, the only thing he could hear other than his own flesh being abused. Evan fought to go somewhere safe in his mind, away from the pain that was overwhelming him. He pictured Mer, eyes so blue they reminded him of the sea, how he would watch the rolling waves from his balcony window and be soothed by the timeless rhythm, how the sun would sparkle on the blue crests and mimic the shine in Mer’s eyes when he smiled. He’d promised Mer he’d do his best to survive, he had to get through this for Mer because if he didn’t it meant the man he loved may not survive either. ‘ _I have to hold on for Mer_ ’ he thought over and over and over.

The abuse stopped as abruptly as it had started and the shock of it was just as jarring. Evan couldn’t tell if he was alone or if his captors were still in the room. He was surrounded by silence only broken by his rattling gasps and the rub of metal on metal as he tried to relieve the pain in his wrists for scant seconds. His body was slick; every breath sent a sharp spear of pain through his chest cutting it short, he fought not to sob through the pain and helplessness and desperately carried on the mantra inside his head.

~*~

Rodney stumbled along the stone strewn path, his hands zip tied in front of him making it harder to catch his balance, the back of shirt wet with sweat from anxiety rather than the pleasantly warm sun overhead.

They’d passed the corpses of Private Brody and Corporal Dagar a few minutes ago, the bodies inhumanely shoved into dense undergrowth and Rodney’s outrage roared, angry and hot in his chest, clenching his jaw painfully to stop the diatribe that was bursting to get out. He needed to keep his composure, his relief at not finding Evan’s body among the dead had been overtaken by the urgency to find out where he was and if he was still alive. It tore away his patience and common sense until words burst forth before he could stop them. ‘Why? Why would you betray your own people?’ Rodney fumed.

‘You really do find it physically impossible to keep your mouth shut don’t you Mckay.’

‘What can I say, it’s a character flaw.’

‘Surprised it hasn’t got you killed before now.’

‘People usually aren’t stupid enough to think they’d get away with it.’

‘I’d say I already have McKay,’ Kendler said cockily. ‘I’ll go back, tell Dr Weir the mission went fubar, that the outpost was attacked and went up in flames with everyone in it - she’ll be none the wiser and guess what? For bonus points we get to blame the nut jobs here who in turn blame us for bringing the Wraith down on them like a tonne of fucking bricks. Pretty poetic don’tcha think McKay? They wanted Sheppard but I’m giving them the next best thing.’

‘Okay so you’re stupid enough to think you’ll get away with it but that still begs the question as to why you’ve betrayed your own people.’ That earned him the butt of the P90 in the small of his back making him stumble and fall hard. Kendler hunkered down beside his face.

‘I’m following orders, finishing off what Morgan should have done,’ he whispered with a menacing smile. Rodney felt like he’d been hit in the stomach, bile rose up in his throat and he rolled over onto his side as Kendler stood up, towering over Rodney and chuckling to himself.

‘W-what do you mean?’ Rodney stuttered, breathing in hard through his nose trying to quell his nausea.

‘What? A fucking genius like you can’t figure it out yet McKay? Guess you’re not as clever as you thought you were eh?’ Kendler smirked in sick pleasure.

‘Or maybe I’m just not that psychotic!’ Rodney spat struggling to get up off the floor. Kendler nonchalantly used the toe of his boot against Rodney’s shoulder to roughly push him back down to the dirt and hold him there.

‘Okay _Doctor_ , let the grunt spell it out for you; that _fag_ , wasn’t the only target,’ Kendler growled. ‘You were both supposed to buy it in that corridor, ‘cept Morgan went way off the goddamn reservation and fucked it all up.’

‘So why don’t you just kill me then?’ Rodney asked, immediately wanting to kick himself for goading the madman.

‘Cause, _genius_ , these whack-a-doodles can do the job for me and I can say, hand on bible, I didn’t kill you.’

Rodney snorted with disgust. ‘Of course you did, it’s just a matter of semantics you idiot. Why drag anyone else into this, why involve the others at all?’

‘Ever heard of collateral damage?’ Rodney felt the foot on his shoulder get heavier, the hard rubber tread ground his skin against his shoulder bone painfully and he bit back his cry. ‘You have a thing for Colonels don’t ya McKay, might as well do my boss a favour and kill two gay birds with one stone.’

Anger boiled through his veins as Rodney ground his teeth together. Kendler looked smugly satisfied that his words had hit their mark and released the scientist from under his foot, watching with amusement as Rodney rolled and struggled to get himself on his feet with all the grace of a clumsy baby elephant.  Rodney couldn’t help the defiant jut of his chin and the proud pulling back of his shoulders once he’d righted himself, like standing tall was a defiance in itself. Ignoring the snort of derision from his captor Rodney shook off the sharp shove he received to the centre of his back. ‘Get walking McKay, don’t wanna keep our host waiting now do we,’ Kendler snarled.

~*~

Evan could feel the edges if unconsciousness nudging at his mind with soft enticing licks. He was near his breaking point, he could feel it, his body and mind exhausted beyond reason. The only thing holding him together was fear of what would happen when he did break.  Into the silence the sound of metal grinding against metal startled him but not enough to prepare for the chains above him going slack, letting him fall heavily to the floor, body crumpling under him, the tail end of the now free chain smacking his head and landing heavily on top of him.

The hot flood of fresh pain through his abused muscles and nerves had him screaming and writhing in agony, sobbing and wailing against the savage shooting spasms through his released muscles that made his body contort. It may have only been minutes but it felt like hours before Evan’s body stilled and he was left gasping for breath, sparks of residual pain causing little whimpers to escape his trembling lips.

The scuff of a boot beside him made the air in Evan’s lungs seize and his body freeze. He had scant seconds warning of a cold metal prong against his chest before the electricity made his body clench and judder violently with the ebb and flow of current. A brief reprieve between each shock was barely enough to let him catch his breath and he welcomed the darkness folding in on his mind, taking him away from his living hell.

~*~

They’d arrived at a town, if the ruins they were walking through could still be classed as a town. Decay and death had left its withering touch on everything, stripping paint from wooden buildings like peeling skin; broken windows stared like gaping maws on to streets littered with the rotting remnants of its fleeing citizens. Rodney tripped over the broken pieces of what looked like a child’s wooden toy, sadness briefly overwhelming his sense of unease and fear. Kendler impatiently grabbed Rodney’s shirt, yanking him back up and towards the only brick building on the street. ‘Stop fucking around, McKay,’ Kendler spat out, his patience long ago worn thin by the bumbling scientist.

The building, no less dilapidated than the rest of the town, presented its long sterile corridors with brutal simplicity. A single wooden crutch laying askew, a stained stretcher abandoned in a doorway, a primitive medical kit strewn across the floor all spoke of it once being something akin to a hospital. ‘Nearly the whole town was culled by the wraith,’ Kendler stated void of emotion ushering Rodney into the depths of a building. ‘There’s a few survivors, if you wanna call them that.’ There was a nasty smile in his tone that made Rodney’s skin crawl.

‘If we are not survivors, then what are we, Atlantean?’ said a cold, emotionless voice from the end of the corridor which had the hairs on the back of Rodney’s neck standing on end. ‘So this is Dr. McKay.’ The owner of voice stepped out of the shadows his pale twisted features reminded Rodney of Ford after his wraith attack. ‘I think I have something of yours.’ The twisted features smiled viciously.

The man, about the same height and build as John, approached him without haste, effortless menace in every movement, his eye never leaving Rodney’s face until he stood so close that Rodney could pick out patterns in the pale pink and red scar tissue.

He tilted his head, cruel amber eyes scrutinizing the scientist. ‘How unimpressive.’ To Rodney’s relief the penetrating gaze flicked away and over his shoulder. ‘I accept possession,’ he said in the same emotionless voice, slinking around Rodney to address Kendler.

‘Ah, excuse me!’ Rodney spluttered turning to look at Kendler.

‘You have fulfilled your role.’ Before Kendler could speak, the man calmly and quickly took a hold of the soldier’s skull and viciously twisted, the sound of bones snapping and popping made Rodney recoil. Releasing his grip on Kendler’s head, the body crumpled to the floor like a discarded puppet. ‘So fragile,’ he mused, turning back to Rodney, who instinctively took another step away. ‘You are unlike the others,’ he said closing the gap between them. ‘No discipline.’ He ran a deadly hand gently over the softer muscles of Rodney’s bicep, eyes raking over his body. ‘No training. Yet you destroy life with as much disregard.’ He roughly grabbed Rodney’s bound hands in a steel like grip and dragged him down through the corridor.  Caught off guard Rodney stumbled and struggled to keep his feet under him, the binding around his wrists digging in painfully as he was yanked around, pulled through doors and dragged down a flight of stairs into a massive space filled with darkness. It smelt damp and their movements echoed, like they were underground. In the distance a glow of light hovered in the air. As they approached Rodney could see it was a makeshift lamp illuminating a door with Ancient symbols carved into its surface. It looked like the building, maybe even the whole town, had been built over the top of this one room.

‘You will suffer for your crimes but I have use for you yet,’ the man bit out as he removed a vile of blood from the pocket of his tattered jacket and placed a drop on the keypad, instantly a panel slid back and Rodney was hurled through the door, landing hard on his hip.

~*~ 

The stench was the first thing Rodney noticed; the second was the hooded, bloody, battered, naked, man lying in the middle of the room. A sob of fear escaped his throat unbidden as he recognised Evan.  

Scrambling to his feet, his eyes never leaving Evan’s body, Rodney used his teeth to pull the rip-tie as tight as possible on his wrists, laced his fingers together as firmly as he could and held them at straight out at arm’s length, bracing his shoulders and body he swiftly pulled his hands into his stomach hard, using the force to pull his wrists apart, the plastic tie bit painfully into his skin as it opened, freeing his hands. Slinging the tie away Rodney stumbled in his haste, skidding across half the room on his knees and crawled the last few feet to Evan’s side. He tentatively removed the hood, afraid of what he may see. Evan’s face was a shocking contrast to the rest of his body, absolutely untouched. Rodney shook his head as images of his own hands cradling John’s head in the corridor flashed through his mind. Gently stroking the sweat, grime covered hair of his lover. ‘Evan?’ His voice came out barely more than a choked whisper. Biting his bottom lip to control its trembling and swiping his wrist across his damp cheeks, Rodney took a deep sharp breath in through his nose and let it out shakily trying to ward off the panic that was gripping at his lungs. ‘Okay! It’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay,’ he repeated, fingers shaking as he looked for a pulse on Evan’s grimy neck, relief and worry surged through him as the thready drum patted gently against his fingertips. ‘See!’ he laughed almost hysterically to himself. ‘It’s okay. You’re okay. It’s not going to happen again. No, no no.’ he repeated determinedly.  ‘I am getting us out of here, I don’t know how yet but I am getting you back to Atlantis,’ he reaffirmed while gently checking for breaks in Evan’s limbs as best he could, surprised and relieved when he found none but the deep bruising covering Evan’s torso worried him as did the open gashes and split skin. Using a tiny tube of field antiseptic from his tack-vest Rodney gently covered as many wounds as he could and bound a compression wrap around Evan’s ribs. As gently as possible he pulled Evan away from the filth surrounding them and over to the wall farthest from the door where it was cleaner. Not once, through all his ministrations, did Evan move or even murmur.

Removing his tak-vest then his shirt, Rodney laid the thin black cotton over as much of Evan’s body as he could then arranged himself so he could cradle Evan’s head in his lap and stroked the clammy forehead soothingly, calming himself as much as anything else. Ideas and plans formulated and shattered in his mind one after the other. ‘Ev’, I need you to wake up baby. I really, really need you to wake up,’ Rodney begged, feeling doubt start to creep into his resolve, there was no way he could drag the unconscious Colonel out of the building, through the town and back to the gate without being caught. ‘Think! Think! Think!’ Rodney said in frustration, softly thumping his head back against the wall with each word as if it would knock an idea loose. ‘What would you do?’ he asked a still unconscious Evan, gently running the back of his fingers over the straight dark brows that were so expressive, around to the whisper of laughter lines which were starting to etch deeper into the story of his face. Rodney felt a surge of warmth in his chest and his heart squeeze. He carefully took Evan’s hand nearest to him and kissed it, holding it against his cheek then kissing it again. ‘I promise we are getting out of this together and I promise I will make everything right if we make it out alive.’ Rodney sat there for a long moment just cherishing the feel of Evan’s hand against his lips until he forced himself to gently lay Evan’s hand down. ‘Okay Colonel, as you’re going to be no help to us whatsoever I guess it’s up to McKay to save the day. So!’ Rodney ran his hand over his eyes to wake himself up a bit. ‘Recon! That’s what you’d do first. Where the hell are we and what have we got that can help us?’

For the first time Rodney took a good look around. The walls were decorated with Ancient patterns framing what looked like dead VDU screens, it reminded him of abandon labs they’d found in Atlantis and surge of hope ran through Rodney making him sit up straighter and really take in the rest of the room. ‘Holy Shit!’ Rodney said in a voice close to grateful. All around alcoves stood empty where control desks were once housed. There were no windows so the only light came from the fluorescent striped cylinders on the walls and the only the door was the one which he’d been thrown through. A small hole had been placed in the centre of the ceiling, on the floor beneath there was an ornate grating with the remnants of bodily fluids which hadn’t made it down what must have been some sort of drain. Rodney clenched his jaw against the anger welling up and took a few moments to refocus. ‘I don’t think the sadistic bastard has a clue what this place might be,’ Rodney mused looking down at Evan as if he was going to reply. ‘Somehow he’s figured out that a certain type of blood gains him access to this room and it’s just a good way to lock his victims away. I bet he doesn’t even know why though, so let’s see if we can exploit that our advantage Colonel.’ Lifting Evan’s head he placed the tak-vest under it for a makeshift pillow, it wouldn’t be soft but at least it was clean.

Rodney methodically worked his way around the screens, exploring the smooth walls for any small imperfections, hoping to initiate something, anything; his initial excitement waning as he got closer and closer to his starting point. He’d almost given up when a small hiss exuded from under his palm and maintenance panel slid out. ‘Yes! You beauty,’ he said, triumphantly, clapping his hands together and looking at Evan to share the discovery, his smile fading at the still unconscious man.  ‘Yes. Well. One step at a time,’ he reminded himself whilst bringing the largest screen to life. Rodney worked frantically, fingers danced across the touch screen, hiding information, setting things into motion, locking things down. Another panel slid out from the wall and he deftly swapped crystals around, taking one out and slipping it into his BDU pocket, then shut everything down. Wiping the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand Rodney wondered what the hell to do next, until a painful groan from across the room startled him from his thoughts, he was kneeling at Evan’s side before making a conscious decision to move. ‘Evan?’ Rodney’s voice wobbled with concern.

~*~

Evan felt nothing but pain. Bright, hard, incessant pain everywhere. A soft hand caressed his cheek, the familiarity of it making him ache in a different way and long for the safety of Mer’s arms. ‘Evan, come on, please wake up.’ Great now he was hearing things too.  ‘Ev’ I am begging you, if you can hear me, wake up, because we have to get the hell out of here and I can’t carry you.’ The desperation in the voice punctured through his foggy brain.

‘M...’ Evan tried to speak but lips were stuck together and his mouth dry, he took a breath and pain cut through him sharply, wiping all thoughts from his mind.

‘Baby!’ The voice sounded as pained as he felt.

He sensed someone get closer to him, their hand on one side of his face tilting his head slightly towards them, their breath ghosting across his nose. ‘Evan Lorne wake the fuck up! I am not going to lose you too!’

Evan grasped onto the wrist of the hand holding his face like it was a lifeline he could pull himself back on. ‘Mer?’ He pushed out on a breath rather than form the word.

‘Yes! Yes it’s me, come on baby, please come back to me. You promised me remember?’

‘G’ t’ h’ld on.’

A small laugh, edged with relief and hysteria, tinkled in his ears and a forehead rested against his. ‘That’s right, you’ve got to hold on. I can’t be without you. You have to hold on Ev’.

He felt a soft kiss against his own dry cracked lips briefly but with such a fierce, loving, tenderness that a warm tightness bloomed in his chest, it had nothing to do with his injuries and he wanted it, he wanted to grab onto that feeling and never let go. He struggled to open his eyes, the brightness forcing them shut time and time again but he kept trying until he was looking up into Mer’s face, ocean blue eyes shining wetly down at him.

‘Hey you,’ Rodney choked through unshed tears and a weak smile.

Evan returned the weak smile. ‘W’ s-afe?’

‘No baby, we are so far away from safe it’s not even funny.  I know you’re hurt and I know you’re in tremendous amounts of manly pain but we have to get out of here Evan, that means you’re going to have to help me, I need you to help me get you out of here because I can’t drag your ass back to the gate.’

Evan tried to swallow but only managed to choke on his own baron throat. He should tell Mer to leave, go without him, get out and get home. It was the right thing to do, the tactical thing to do but there was no way Mer was going to leave him here, Evan knew that down to the very marrow of his bone and there was no way they were both going to die in this hole.

Evan weakly held his hand out to Rodney, trying to hide his pain as they moved him to sit up and tied the arms of the shirt around his waist to give him what little cover they could. Evan sat there trying to catch his breath which caught in his throat again making him cough and when he drew his hand away bright red flecks of fresh blood speckled the skin of his hand, he quickly wiped it on his bare thigh checking to make sure that Rodney, who was rummaging in the pockets of his tak-vest, hadn’t noticed. ‘Wh’t’s the plan Mer?’ he croaked.

Rodney looked up at him, brow creased at the rattle in Evan’s voice. ‘The fruit loop doesn’t have a clue what this room is. They’ve managed to figure out how to initiate the door lock but that seems to be the extent of their knowledge. Even if they got the touch screens to work they haven’t got a clue what they say. I managed to hack into the mainframe which is basically operational; we’re in some sort of medical research lab come testing facility. Let’s just say some of the experiments they were doing here wouldn’t have got FDA approval, it’s unlikely they even had the approval of the Ancients themselves.’

‘Mer.’ Evan took another breath. ‘How is th’t goin t’ help us?’

‘Because, oh ye of little faith, I have found us an escape route.’

Evan smiled tiredly and let his eyes shut. ‘Loved you for a reason.’

Rodney felt his heart break a little. ‘Evan! Don’t go to sleep. I need you conscious.’ He called across the room as he knelt down beside the ornately patterned grating feeling around its surface, ignoring the mess he was trailing his fingers through until he found the little bumps in the smooth metal and pressed hard against them simultaneously. The grating popped an inch, enough for Rodney to get a good grip.

‘Nifty.’ Evan said dryly, forcing his eyes to stay open.

‘It’s essentially an escape route in case their experiments were discovered and their power was cut.’ Rodney was just about to lift the grating from its housing, when the soft shush of the door had pushing it back into place and scrambling on his heels and hands, away from their salvation, so he was shielding Evan with his own body.

The man entered, two flunkies behind him, and stood with a small vacant smile. ‘What are your findings Dr McKay?’

‘What do you mean? I have no ‘findings, there’s nothing to find.’ Rodney couldn’t have sounded guiltier if he’d tried and inwardly cringed.

‘Come now Doctor.’ The smile wavered a little. ‘Did you not access the Ancient machines?’

‘What Ancient machines? I have no idea what you’re talking about.’ Yes, he could apparently sound guiltier if he tried.

A small flick of the man’s finger had the brutish pair of flunkies bearing down on them in seconds. The largest of the two grabbed Rodney underneath the armpits and dragged him away from Evan. Rodney clawed at the man’s hands, tried twisting frantically out of his grip shouting for them to leave Evan alone as the other flunkies grabbed Evan roughly by the hair to yank his head back roughly and backhanded Evan across the face splitting his lip. ‘No!’ Rodney yelled as he tried to surged forward but already the flunky was pulling Evan’s lolling head back in position and hitting him again, this time forcing a gush of blood to pour from Evan’s nose, down over his lips as he tried spit it out of his mouth. ‘STOP! stopstopstop! It’s was a medical facility.’ Rodney cried desperately, looking between Evan and the man who just arched one dark eyebrow at him. ‘The Ancient’s performed experiments here, but there’s nothing much left, a few scant records which I can translate for you but leave him alone.’

The man crossed the room crowding Rodney up against the legs of the man restraining him, the scientist's chin lifted defiantly even though every cell in his body was panicking. ‘If you lie to me, Dr McKay,’ he spat, forcing Rodney to turn his head away. ‘Your deceit will be added to the list of crimes your race has committed and penance will be taken in the blood of your comrade.’ He grabbed Rodney’s throat with one hand and squeezed, smiling when the gasping scientist frantically clawed at his steel tight grasp. Rodney could feel the tendons moving in his neck, his airway getting more and more constricted. He was going to black out any second or die, neither one would be very convenient. Suddenly he was released and bent over double, gasping and choking on the rush of air, holding his bruised throat. By the time Rodney could stand he and Evan were alone again.

Grabbing the cloth hood, Rodney knelt beside Evan and gently wiped his bloodied face and neck clean as much as he could. ‘We have to leave now! He’s going to kill us as soon as I tell him what’s on the database. He might even kill us before then, this guy is off the charts crazy.’       

‘I know.’ Evan replied. He gently pushed Rodney’s hand away from his face. ‘L’t’s do this.’

‘Right!’ Rodney said collecting himself together and picking up his tak-vest, ‘I want you to put this on,’ he ordered, ignoring Evan’s protests and carefully maneuvered him into the vest then went over and removed the metal grating from the floor. Using the light from his Life Signs Detector, Rodney peered into the darkness. ‘Shit! There’s about a 10ft drop,’ he said, worriedly looking over his shoulder at Evan, he didn’t look like he could stand let alone jump into a hole and land without breaking something.

‘Mer, go!’ Evan said weakly.

Rodney stood up angrily. ‘Don’t you dare! I am not leaving you here.’ He walked over and straddled Evan’s prone legs, hooked his arms underneath Evan’s armpits and heaved him off the floor so his battered body was leaning heavily against the wall. Their faces were so close together they were sharing the same air. ‘Did you hear me?’ Rodney said with force but gently resting his forehead against Evan’s. ‘I am not leaving you here. If you stay, I stay.’

Evan swallowed hard and nodded his head. Pulling Evan’s arm across his own shoulders Rodney helped him across the room to the grating, then removed his belt and attached through one shoulder strap of the tak-vest. Evan held on to the side of the opening and lowered himself into the hole, while Rodney lay on the floor with the belt wrapped around his wrist and did the best he could to lower Evan’s into the hole until he ran out of belt, ‘Ready?’ Rodney called.

‘Yeah.’ Evan answered but didn’t sound ready at all. Rodney released the belt followed by a soft thump and a groan as Evan hit the floor.

‘You okay?’

‘C’mon.’

‘One second.’

‘Mer, G’t the f’ck d’wn here!’ Rodney scrambled away from the hole, fumbling for the crystal he’d put in his BDU pocket with one hand while bringing the mainframe online, tapping away as fast as he could Rodney swapped the crystals around in the wall panel. He turned back to the grating and, with his heart beating in his throat lowered himself as best as he could into the blackness below.

Evan had managed to prop himself against one of the curved damp walls. Rodney didn’t ask how he was doing because the answer was obvious. Instead he took one of Evan’s arms across his shoulders and braced most of the weak man’s body weight while using his other arm around Evan’s waist to guide and pull him along. It was hard work.

 

Evan bit his lip trying to silence involuntary whimpers of pain escaping as his battered body was pushed and pulled around.  They stumbled through the darkness, Rodney managing to keep them both upright through sheer stubborn determination more than anything else.  Suddenly a thunderous explosion rocked the ground beneath their feet, bring them almost to their knees and Evan cry out in pain. Rodney righted them both quickly and pushed forward with renewed vigour. ‘Mer, wht the hell did y’u do?’ Evan grated through teeth clenched in agony.

 

‘It’s rude for guests to turn up empty handed, so I left them a little parting gift,’ Rodney puffed. A succession of smaller concussive explosions followed, one after the other like massive firecrackers in the distance progressively getting closer. ‘Move! Move! Move!’ Rodney shouted, mostly to himself, as he tried to pick up their pace, practically hauling Evan’s body along. Sweat was pouring down his back, Evan’s arm slipping in his slick grasp. Rodney’s thighs muscles burnt and Evan’s body seemed to get heavier as the gradient of the floor increased but the thin outline of a door illuminated up ahead of them spurred him on.  Reaching the door Rodney practically fell hand first on the key lock and ended up tumbling through, landing on damp grass, as Evan’s body turned to deadweight in his arm.

Rodney pulled himself out from Under Evan’s body, turning the now unconscious man on his back as he did. ‘Evan!’ Rodney panicked for a split second, fear stealing his breath, then searched frantically for a pulse. It was weak, weaker than before but it was there. ‘Evan, please, we’re so near the gate,’ Rodney begged tapping Evan’s cheek repeatedly. ‘Fuck!’ he swore to himself harshly when it was obvious Evan was not going to wake-up. ‘We are not going to die here!’ Rodney said angrily, sitting on the ground and taking his boots off. ‘I am not going to lose you and we are not going to die on this shithole of a planet!’ he repeated to himself, putting his boots on to Evan’s filthy bare feet and lacing them tightly. ‘Even if I have to drag you all the way back to Atlantis myself.’ Rodney hooked his arms under Evan’s armpits so his hands were cupping his shoulders and began dragging Evan’s unconscious body in the direction of the gate he unforgiving ground biting into his socked feet.

 

The gate was within sight when Rodney heard it activate and froze. ‘You have got to be kidding me!’ he whined, desperately looking for somewhere to drag them both to cover. Before he could move the event horizon erupted and a platoon of marines stepped through.

‘McKay!’ Stackhouse’s voice rang in Rodney’s earwig and he felt his body sag with relief as they double timed it over to their position. ‘What’s you’re sitrep?’

Rodney lowered Evan to the ground and tapped his earwig. ‘Sergeant Kendler executed Private Brody and Corporal Dagar, their bodies are just up the path,’ Rodney gasped and watched as the Atlantis platoon got nearer. ‘He handed Colonel Lorne over to a psychopath up in the town, who tortured him for god knows how long; he has a weak pulse we need to get him back to Carson now!’

Stackhouse reached them and put a comforting hand on Rodney’s shoulder. ‘That’s just what we’re going to do. My men are on it already, Dr McKay. I need you to stay calm and tell me; are we in immediate danger? How many hostiles are we looking at? Where are they and how are they armed?’  

‘Um yes-yes right! I don’t know. I blew up the town.’

‘You, blew up the town?’ Stackhouse’s eyebrow shot up in the air.

‘Yes. There was an Ancient facility running underneath the town and I rigged the self-destruct. Oh! No! The town was abandoned; as far as I could tell, apart from the psycho and his henchmen.’

Stackhouse rolled his eyes ‘We’ll do a search and rescue just in case but let’s get you and the Colonel back to Atlantis first.’

The medics had just finished securing Evan into a field stretcher and Rodney had to run to catch up. He watched as one of the medics tap his earwig and called for assistance on the other side of the gate before they were all swallowed by the event horizon and effortlessly stepped out the other side. Evan’s unconscious body was placed on the waiting gurney, Carson already at his side ‘What happened Rodney?’

‘I don’t have details. He was beaten, obviously, I think he was tied up, his wrists are ...well you can see they’re....’

‘Rodney! How long has he been unconscious, did he hit his head?’

‘Sorry-yes-of-course. He lost consciousness about 20 minutes ago. They hit him in the face but I don’t think he hit his head.’

‘Was he seeing double? Any headaches?’ Carson continued as he examined Evan.

‘I don’t know Carson.’

‘Did he have any trouble breathing?’

‘No. Yes. I DON’T KNOW CARSON!’ Rodney shouted, causing everyone to freeze for a second.

‘Rodney the more I know the quicker I can help,’ Carson said ignoring the outburst while palpating Evan’s abdomen.

Rodney ran a hand helplessly through his hair. ‘He was unconscious when I got there, he was in a lot of pain Carson, there was a lot of blood and human waste. They tortured him but I don’t know the details.’

Carson tapped his earwig. ‘Beckett to Sage. Get O.R. two prepped. Tell Doctor Cole I’ll need her to assist. Beckett out.’ Nodding to his staff surrounding the gurney, Carson said, ‘Right, quickly as possible please.’

‘Doctor, we’ve lost his pulse.’

‘Bloody hell!’ Carson straddled the gurney and started compressions. ‘Go!’ They started running with the gurney down to the infirmary.

Rodney ran to keep up but couldn’t help the feeling that his world was slipping away from him again.


	26. I Will Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! the final chapter; if anyone is still reading, thanks for sticking with me until the end you have no idea how much it means to me. Thanks to My bff for being there with me for the whole journey; without her support, endless patience and humor I would never have made it; sorry for making you cry hun ;-)
> 
> 'I Will Be' is borrowed from the song by Leona Lewis of the same title.
> 
> As always all mistakes are my own because I can't stop tinkering.
> 
> It's been fun xxx
> 
> \-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The silence in the observation area above the operating theatre was thick with concern and uncertainty; it’s windows, now blended to opaque black at Carson’s requested, stared back with an unnerving blankness. Elizabeth hovered at a distance, arms folded around herself, biting her bottom lip as she kept a watchful eye on Rodney who sat hunched over on a plastic chair against the far wall, his face buried in his hands, like he was trying to contain his distress. She shared another worried glance with Stackhouse before resuming her pacing.

With every passing minute, Rodney felt the stress and worry building inside his chest like a pressure cooker. History was close to repeating itself and he still didn't know what to do, or how to handle the helplessness and strangulating fear. Regrets paralyzed his mind;  there was so much he hadn't said that Evan deserved to hear and he’d denied him the one thing that had meant the most. So Rodney sat doing the only thing he could, making unspoken bargains to deities he didn't believe in, begging and praying to anything and everything; the desperate internal pleas forcing a sob to escape his lips, like water seeping through the seam of a dam, only to be muffled against his cupped hands. Elizabeth's comforting touch to his shoulder just added pressure to the fissures in his control, compelling Rodney to sit up abruptly and displace her slender hand before he cracked wide open and lost it completely.

‘It only been hours, right?’ Rodney’s words broke the tense silence. ‘It feels like days but it must have been hours? Surely they could tell us something? Anything! But no news is good news I suppose, he must still be ... if Carson hasn't come out then....’ Rodney trailed off, looking to Elizabeth imploringly.

‘It’s been roughly 7 hours, Rodney and I’m sure you’re right, no news is good news. Carson and his team are doing everything they can.’ Elizabeth’s words were strong, with a confident conviction but the way she held her arms tighter to her body spoke of the uncertainty.

‘I can’t take this anymore, I need to know what’s going on..’ Rodney was on his feet, the flood of fear and panic pouring into his limbs as he darted for the operating room door before Elizabeth stopped him. Stackhouse blocked his path with grim determination, restraining Rodney by his biceps, his larger body mass absorbing the struggles of the Scientist with ease.

‘Doc! Doc! Calm down. You know you can’t go in there. They’ll come out when there’s something to tell,’ Stackhouse reasoned. Rodney’s words of protest died on his lips and the breath they were carried on turned into an embarrassing frustrated whimper. Elizabeth guided him back to his seat, the plastic not even having had a chance to cool. He rested his head against the teal wall and closed his tired eyes. Maybe it was going to be okay; maybe Carson would work a miracle and everything would work out fine. They had one of the best surgical teams in two galaxies and Ancient technology on their side. He focused on that pinpoint of hope but couldn't help churning over in his mind everything that had happened of the past few hours.

‘I should have found another way.’ Rodney said blankly.

Elizabeth looked confused. ‘‘What do you mean, Rodney, another way for what?’

‘Another way out of that hell hole. One that would have been easier for Evan. I suspected he was injured badly and I dragged him through that damn tunnel anyway, who knows what additional damage I caused? You didn’t see him, Elizabeth; he was so pale, his lips weren't blue like John’s, so enough oxygen must have been getting to his organs? But they tortured him! For god knows how long, I don’t want to even imagine what they did.’’

‘Rodney, you did all you could and got him out of there that’s what counts,’ Elizabeth said calmly, making an abortive move to comfort him again. The door to the scrub room opened, startling everyone, breaking through the tension as Carson pulled the blue surgical cap from his head and scrunched it up in his hands, exhaustion pulled at his features but apart from that his expression was unreadable. A numb sensation seeped into Rodney’s brain a sort of self-preservation and he felt rooted to the chair as Carson briefly made eye contact with the others before coming to crouch in front of him.

‘Rodney,’ Carson started gently, his blue eyes painfully full of sympathy. ‘Evan was hemorrhaging internally which we had tae treat aggressively, he’s had a massive blood transfusion and there was a head injury which required us tae remove a small clot, he’s in a coma Rodney.’

‘Will he wake up?’’ Rodney said, it came out barely more than a whisper.

‘He has about a 50/50 chance Rodney, his body suffered massive trauma and has a lot of healing tae do.’

‘Can I see him now?’

Carson studied his friend’s face before answering. ‘My nurse said ye were physically okay, just some minor cuts and abrasions but you've been through a lot, so only if ye feel up tae it, Rodney.  I’ll warn ye, he needs a lot of help at the moment so his body can concentrate on mendin’.’ Rodney could see the concern in Carson’s eyes but he couldn't allay it, only nod slightly and stand up. He felt Carson hesitate then rest a supportive hand to the small of his back and knew there were looks being exchanged again, this time between the doctor and Elizabeth, but he didn't care.

 

They walked in silence to the door of the recovery room, Carson hesitated with his hand hovering over the crystals, looking to Rodney for a sign that he was ready. Rodney nodded again, hesitantly this time, as anxious knots pulled uncomfortably in his stomach.

When they entered the room, Rodney froze. Evan lay in bed, safety barriers pulled up on either side, his face and arms littered in angry bruises, burns and cuts. There were at least four monitors surrounding the head of the bed, bags hanging from hooks on poles beside him with their thin wires and tubes trailing across the ravine like vines sprouting from either under the blankets or the backs of Evan’s hands. A thick, uncomfortable looking tube, held into position with tape, snaked from his mouth, leading to a machine that wheezed and clicked like slow steady bellows. Evan’s bare chest was practically covered in sterile dressing which disappeared under the beige waffle blankets. The thought that John hadn't had nearly as much equipment around him popped unwarranted into Rodney’s brain. He knew intellectually that when he’d visited John for the final time, in an identical room to this, John had already lost his fight and this time everything was there keeping Evan alive, taking the strain and giving his body the chance to rest and heal but it still scared the hell out him.  Rodney became aware of Carson standing beside him, just patiently waiting until he was ready. He moved hesitantly, not sure of where he should sit or stand for fear of pulling out a wire or knocking a tube or bag over.

Carson seemed to sense the reason for his hesitation and pulled a plastic chair over. ‘Here ye go Rodney,’ Carson said kindly, placing the chair on one side of Evan’s bed. Rodney smiled his thanks and sat as close to the bed as he dared. ‘Ye can hold his hand if ye want,’ Carson encouraged. ‘Physical contact is good for him.’

‘Right, yes of course.’ Rodney gently took Evan’s limp hand in his own and stroked his thumb across the skin dusted with soft dark hair.

‘Talk tae him Rodney, about anythin' ye want. Let him know ye here, what you’re doin'. There’s evidence that coma patients recognize their loved ones voices and respond tae them.’

Rodney nodded. ‘Would ye like me tae stay? Or would ye prefer I leave ye alone?’’

‘Y-you should rest, Carson.’ Rodney stuttered, his eyes not leaving Evan’s slacken features. ‘We’ll be fine.’

‘Aye, I’ll not deny I need tae get some rest,’ Carson said rubbing his hand over his face, ‘The call button is just here,’ he pointed out the illuminated blue light on the wall. ‘He’s being monitored by my nurses but if ye not sure of anything just call, okay?’ Rodney nodded again.

Leaning across the bed Carson laid his hand on Evan’s shoulder. ‘Evan, it’s Carson. I’m goin’ tae leave ye now but Rodney is here, he’s goin tae keep ye company. I’ll be back in a wee while to check on ye.’ Carson patted Rodney’s shoulder comfortingly as he moved towards the door.

‘Carson!’ Rodney called without turning to look back at his friend. ‘Thank you,’ he said, trying not to let his emotions distort his words too much. ‘Thank you for trying. For giving him the best chance he could have.’

‘I wish I could have done more, Rodney but thanks.’

Rodney waited until the door closed softly behind Carson before speaking. ‘Hi,’ he said uncertainly. ‘It’s me, I mean it’s Mer, if you can hear me you can probably tell that from my voice though. Look, I-I’m not very good at this but I’m going to try. I’m going to hold your hand okay, I know we don’t usually hold hands but maybe it’s something we should start doing more often?’ Rodney carefully cradled Evan’s hand with both of his own, his thumbs stroking out twin tattoos of affection.   

‘Don’t leave me,’ He whispered into the room. ‘Please, please please stay. I need you. I just...I need you here Evan. Wake up please. Just give me another chance to tell you, that’s all I’m asking ‘cause I will not sit in this room and say goodbye to you.’ A sob escaped his lips which he quickly smothered with his hand as the dam burst.  Silently Rodney let his tears fall, patting softly like rain onto the blanket and disappearing until his emotions were spent. He took a few shuddering breaths, pulling the fraying seams of his strength together, before swiping his face dry and composing himself. ‘I’m not leaving you,’ he said with conviction to Evan’s unconscious form. ‘So don’t you dare leave me…..you’re my everything, Evan.’ Rodney paused, carefully pushing Evan’s hair away from his forehead and gently stroked the back of his fingers across the relaxed brow.  ‘I was an Idiot. I pushed you away because I was scared of losing you, what I should have been doing was making the most of the time we have because whether we’re sharing the same bed or life or-or in different galaxies…..I’ll always love you..and I don’t care how sappy that sounds because it’s true, I know that now and I’m sorry; I’m so sorry I pushed you away.’ Rodney sat back, holding Evan’s hand between his own, watching his lover’s calm relaxed face which belied he was fighting for his life.

Elizabeth visited for few silent minutes but it felt like an intrusion. Nurses came in, smiled sympathetically at Rodney, then introduced themselves to Evan explaining what they were doing like the Colonel wasn't lying there seemingly oblivious to their words. At dinner time someone left a tray of food for Rodney and he started chatting to Evan again, complaining to his lover about the quality of the food coming out of the mess lately and that he was lucky to be Nil by Mouth, he lamented over the lack of junk food in the Pegasus galaxy and how beneficial to morale the introduction of Cheetos could be to the base and this is why Evan should seriously contemplate making junk food an essential food product. He talked about their future; the discoveries they could make on Atlantis, the life they might build together, the children they could have, the vacations they would all go on and how one day he would convince Evan to try Poutine. It must have been early evening when Carson returned, introducing himself again to Evan, before checking his charts.

‘Did ye want a bed brought in Rodney?’ Carson asked, ‘I’m quite happy for ye to stay but not if it’s tae the detriment of ye own health.’

‘I’d prefer not to leave right now if that’s okay.

‘I’ll have someone bring one in for ye.’

‘You never know, the sound of my snoring might wake him up,’ Rodney said with a tired smile.

‘I’d not be surprised Rodney. Right, I’m off in a few minutes tae get some more rest and so will ye because if ye don’t then you’re going back to ye quarters,’ Carson said as he made his way out.

‘Bossy!’ Rodney call out to Carson’s back who in turn gave Rodney the finger. Shortly after, a bed arrived for Rodney along with a look from the nurse which said, _yeah and you’d better use it otherwise Dr Beckett will be hearing about it_. To which Rodney gave an answering look which said   _Tattle-tale. I’ll use it but only because I want to and not because Carson told me too_. It was a restless night. Rodney tossed and turned on his small bed, the sheets twisting around his body until, in utter frustration, he yanked himself free and threw them down the end of the bed. Eventually, exhausted, he fell into a sleep of fitful dreams in darkened underground tunnels which bled into damp abandoned corridors.

He awoke to a red haired nurse gentle shaking his shoulder and a soft Irish accent. ‘Dr McKay, it’s morning. You should go get yourself some breakfast.’ Rodney agreed but it came out more of an indistinguishable grunt which made the nurse chuckle as she turned back to her patient.

Rubbing the grit from his eyes, Rodney moved to Evan’s bed side, away from where the nurse was busy. He stroked Evan’s hair gently. ‘Ev’ I’m just going to go eat and shower, I’ll be back soon.’ Leaning down stiffly, the mattress had done a number on his back, he placed a kiss on Evan’s forehead and reluctantly left, noticing and ignoring the guards posted at Evan’s door. He grabbed food from the Mess, avoiding making eye contact with anyone and took it back to Evan’s quarters; he showered, changed his clothes and ate efficiently, eager to get back to Evan’s side as soon as possible. When Rodney returned to Evan’s room the redhead had been joined another nurse Rodney didn't recognize but they were giving Evan a sponge bath. ‘Uh did you want me to come back later?’ he asked nervously.

‘Hi Dr. McKay,’ the other nurse said, her sunny smile forcing Rodney against his will to smile back. ‘You can stay; you can even help if you want? Just wash up in the basin over there and grab some gloves from the box on the tray.’ Rodney used the sharp smelling soap, dried his hands off then struggled getting the latex gloves on, his cheeks pinking when he noticed the two nurses both wore little smiles but deliberately didn't look at him.

‘Right what shall I do then?’ Rodney asked snapping the plastic wrist of one of his gloves.

The smiley nurse rolled her eyes. ‘We've done the more awkward areas but you can do his arms, legs and face.’ The nurses demonstrated on one side while Rodney nervously copied the actions on Evan’s other side, sometimes talking to Evan as he worked, noticing as he went that Evan’s dressings and catheter bag had been change, another blanket added, and new bags of fluid hung on the poles. After they’d finished Rodney spent the afternoon telling Evan about an apartment on the north side of the tower he thought they should move into and how much he thought Evan would enjoy the view of the ocean from the large balcony. In the evening he helped the Physio in gently exercising Evan’s limbs. Rodney assisted with Evan’s care as much as he was allowed; it eased the flame of helplessness that constantly burned in his chest. He talked to Evan about everything and nothing - to the point where he felt as if he were narrating his life aloud, he ate lunch and dinner in Evan’s room only taking his breakfast on the run so he could shower and change and slept at Evan’s side on the most uncomfortable bed in the Pegasus galaxy - or so he had complained, at length, quite a lot, to anyone who entered the room.

People came and went, always introducing themselves to Evan, talking about their own days. Rodney was moved by their words and the gifts they thought may help stimulate Evan’s senses. Stackhouse brought his laptop by, booted up with one of their favorite films from film night to play and even provided commentary, Elizabeth left some of her essential oils, Radek even came along one morning with a small a multi-colored light he’d fashioned himself from odds and ends around the labs. Rodney dug out the old orange fleece he’d had since his Area 51 days and laid it under Evan’s hand, sometimes even stroking the soft fluffy material along Evan’s arms.

As the days went by Rodney tried not to get despondent, after his initial melt down he’d manage to remain positive around Evan. He was temporarily buoyed when, on the third day, Carson removed the harsh looking breathing tube and replaced it with a softer smaller tube that sat under Evan’s nose but after seven days of no further improvement Rodney was clinging on to his positive attitude by his fingernails. He watched as the nurse finished entering notes on Evan’s chart, idly drifting his fingertips up and down the inside of Evan’s forearm with a feather light touch, until she replaced the electronic pad and patted Rodney on the arm. ‘Keep it up, Dr McKay. Right Colonel, Dr Beckett will be in to see you later. I’ll see you both tomorrow,’ she said cheerfully, again patting Rodney’s arm as she left.

Rodney carefully brought Evan’s hand to his lips and placed a kiss into his palm and brushed his cheek against the cup of Evan’s hand and just held it there. He yearned to feel Evan’s touch and hear his voice again. ‘I miss you so much.’ Rodney’s voice cracked as he whispered into the empty room. Rodney’s breath froze in his lungs when Evan’s fingers twitched against his jaw twitched ‘Evan?’ he said, caught between panic and elation. ‘Evan, it’s Mer..’ His words stuck in his throat when the long fingers resting against his cheek twitched again. ‘Oh my god, okay!’ Rodney was torn between holding Evan’s hand to his face and reaching out to the call button, he couldn't do both. ‘Okay. Ev’, I've got to call Carson, I’m still here though, I right here okay.’ Evan’s fingers twitched slightly, if a bit more weakly than before which worried Rodney. He quickly laid Evan’s hand down, wobbling for balance at an awkward angle as he tried to keep one hand in contact with Evan while hitting the call button on the wall above the bed. By some miracle Rodney managed not to faceplant on to Evan and sat back down, clutching Evan’s hand between both of his. ‘I’m here, Carson’s coming. It’s going to be fine,’he said to himself.

 

Moments later Carson sped through the door, almost skidding to a stop beside the bed in his haste. Rodney looked up, excitement and hope buzzing through him. ‘Carson he moved, I spoke to him and he moved, look watch his hand.’ Rodney raised Evan’s hand slightly to give the doctor a good view. ‘Evan, it’s Mer.’ They both looked on waiting,  but nothing happened.

Carson looked on with skepticism. ‘Rodney, are ye sure?’

‘Yes, Carson, he responded to my voice, he responded to my question. I wasn't imagining things.’ Rodney said getting angry.

‘I’m not sayin’ ye were Rodney, take it easy now. It may have just been involuntary muscle movement.’ Carson said patiently. Taking his little white stylus from his pocket Carson moved to the foot of the bed, where he uncovered Evan’s feet, drew the stylus firmly up the soul of his foot which weakly tried to flinch away from the pain. Carson smiled. He moved over to the other foot but before he could do the same he tapped his earwig, obviously having received a hail from the nurses monitoring Evan and said ‘Aye I know love, I’m here already.’

The next few minutes were a flurry of activity as Carson and his nurses checked Evan’s vital signs and responses. Rodney stood against the wall watching, hugging himself and chewing his bottom lip nervously. Eventually Carson guided Rodney by his elbow out into the corridor. ‘He starting tae come out of the coma but it’s going tae be a gradual process Rodney. He’s not just going to open his eyes, it’s goin’ tae be more like slowly waking-up over a few days if we’re lucky.’

‘But he’s going to be okay?’ Rodney asked anxiously.

‘It’s looking promising, Rodney. He’s reacting positively but we’ll have tae be patient and wait tae see if any of his motor skills have been affected.’

‘And if they have?’

‘There’s physical therapies that may help.’ Carson said cautiously.

‘And if they don’t?’

‘Rodney, let’s take one step at a time okay? The best thing ye can do right now is what you've been doin’, keep talking tae him, stimulating his senses.’

So Rodney re-took his vigil at Evan’s bedside, recounting the future he imagined for them both, eliciting weak squeezes of his hand from Evan that made his heart race with hope.

 

~*~

 

Rodney’s knee jiggled up and down frantically, his palms drumming flat against the desk as his impatience, given no verbal escape, leached out of his body. He didn't want to be in Elizabeth’s office, he needed to be back with Evan in case anything happened.

‘Sorry to keep you waiting Rodney,’ Elizabeth apologized as she swept in and sat behind her desk. ‘I understand you feel there are more important places to be at the moment but what I have to tell you is equally important.’ Resting her clasped hands on the desk Elizabeth leant forward slightly, her neutral expression conflicting with the tension in her shoulders.  ‘At this moment the IOA is being investigated in connection with the murders of John Sheppard, Private Brody and Corporal Dagar and the attempted murder of yourself.’ Rodney stared back blankly at Elizabeth, her eyes searched his face looking for something, maybe she expected him to react in some way but all he could feel was numbness as a sliver of shock slowly pierced his brain, the missing pieces of the puzzle sliding into place,  completing an alarming picture. ‘The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff has been relieved of duty pending an investigation.’ Elizabeth paused, pursing her lips thoughtfully before carrying on. ‘It transpires that John Sheppard’s brother was a member of the IOA working alongside the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs to, and I’m quoting their words here, “Cleanse’ the SGC of individuals” who were considered “fundamentally harmful and an unacceptable risk to integrity the Stargate programme”.’ Rodney could feel himself nodding as the full horror of how much David Sheppard must have hated his own brother dawned on him. Elizabeth’s eyes narrowed, her brows gathering in tight, questioning pintucks. ‘You knew about this?’ she asked curiously.

‘No. No, I-I knew David Sheppard was paying General Holland large sums of money so I knew they were connected in some way and I was well aware of David’s feelings towards John and I but ….’

‘But you didn't realize those ‘feelings’ ran quite so deep and that it had gone this far?’ Elizabeth finished for him.

Rodney nodded. ‘I don’t understand why he kept John from me if he hated him so much,’ he said bewildered.

‘You mean laying John to rest in the family mausoleum on their private estate?’

Rodney nodded. ‘It makes no sense.’

‘Neither does hating someone because of who they love, Rodney.’ Elizabeth stretched her arm across the table and held his hand comfortingly. ‘I don’t have those answers for you I’m afraid and the investigation will be classified so we may not get much more information than we already have. General Holland’s financial indiscretions are enough alone to warrant his dismissal without anyone being suspicious. I don’t know how they will handle David Sheppard.’

‘Badly I hope,’ Rodney said without humor and a bitter twist.

‘I can’t say I disagree with you there.’ The steel in her voice surprised him. ‘Rodney, I know this is no consolation, but maybe it can be of a slight comfort to you that these people are going to be brought to justice for their actions and General O’Neill is determined to use the momentum and outrage at these incidents  to instigate change at the highest levels.’

‘It won’t bring John back.’ Rodney’s voice broke, full of acerbity, on the last word and raised his chin.

‘I know; but some good might come out of this.’ Elizabeth smiled encouragingly and squeezed his hand.

The thought ‘too little too late’ ran through his mind and teased at his lips but instead of giving it voice he looked up and smiled weakly; after all, she was only trying to bring what little comfort should could to him. ‘I have to get back, Elizabeth,’ Rodney said, apologetically. ‘Thank you,’ he continued awkwardly. ‘For, you know, for telling me. And for your support. It means a lot. To me. To us, really.’

‘How is he doing today?’

‘He’s still responding to voices, which Carson says is a good sign. We've managed to set up a system where he can squeeze someone’s hand once for no and twice for yes.’

‘That’s good, Rodney. If there’s anything I can do to help, anything…,’ Elizabeth said raising her eyebrows meaningfully.

At the chirrup from his earwig and Carson’s hale, Rodney smiled, acknowledging her offer and pointing apologetically to his ear. ‘Yes, Carson. What is it?’ he answered anxiously.

‘No need to fret Rodney, but I’d very much appreciate it if ye could get back down here as quickly as ye can.’

‘I’m on my way,’ Rodney said as he held up his hand in a blind farewell to Elizabeth and broke into a jog as soon as he cleared her office doors. Carson’s voice had sounded calm and he’d said not to fret so it couldn't be anything bad. Or at least that’s what he kept telling himself as he dodged around people on his way back to the infirmary.

 

~*~

 

When Rodney entered Evan’s room, out of breath and hand stinging from how hard he’d slapped the door crystals, whatever he was expecting it wasn't Evan propped up in bed and blinking slowly with tired unfocused eyes at him. He froze as relief crashed in on him like a tsunami and the weight of worry lifted, leaving his legs feeling like jelly and his head spinning.

Seeing his friend was overwhelmed, Carson went over to Rodney. ‘Ye okay lad?’

Rodney smiled, ‘Yes, relieved. Just really relieved he’s conscious.’

‘Aye that’s understandable. ‘C’mon in Rodney. There’s someone who wants tae see ye.’

Rodney sat gently on the bed, he cupped Evan’s hand in his, thumbs stroking around the sides of the tape holding the IV in place. ‘I’m sorry I wasn't here when you woke up. How do you feel?’

Evan swallowed hard. ‘H’rts,’ he said, voice hoarse and paper thin from lack of use but the corners of his lips tweaked minutely upwards as his eyes drooped shut.

‘Carson!’ Rodney called, panic swelling up again in his chest.

Carson’s was at his side in seconds and squeezed his shoulder comfortingly. ‘It’s alright Rodney. He’s just exhausted, it’ll take him a wee while tae come around to full consciousness. It’s not like wakin' up from sleepin'.’

‘But he’s going to be okay now?’

‘It’s looking positive.’

‘What does that mean?!’ Rodney squawked in frustration, he needed solid answers not

inconclusive abstracts.

‘It means ye have tae be patient and give him time,’ Carson said sternly. ‘The only thing ye can do right now is be there for him.’

‘I’m not going anywhere.’ Rodney replied firmly.

 

~*~

 

Over the next few weeks Evan’s ability to stay conscious gradually increased until Rodney woke up on his cot one morning to see Evan’s alert gaze studying him from across the room. It brought a lump to his throat and he wondered if he’d ever stop feeling the overwhelming sense of relief every time Evan made any progress.

‘How long you been sleeping on that cot?’ Evan asked, his voice stronger but still tired, as Rodney hauled himself upright.

‘Erm, since you've been out of surgery,’ Rodney answered rubbing his eyes with the heals of his hands.

‘It must be killing your back?’ Evan said, worry creasing his brow.

Rodney sat on the edge of his own bed, eyes locked with Evan’s, just drinking in the sight of him awake and propped up in bed. ‘I don’t care,’ Rodney replied, the words loaded with emotion.

‘Hey. Come here.’ Evan said, his voice lilting with concern.

Rodney slid off the cot and took Evan’s outstretched hand, letting himself be pulled down, he perched on his side, Evan’s arm along his back, dangerously close to falling off the bed, with his head nestled in the nook of Evan’s shoulder. Rodney rested the arm his wasn't laying on gently across Evan’s waist. He felt hot breath against the top of his head and lips pressed firmly against his hair. ‘Thank you. For not leaving me. For getting me out of there,’ Evan said into his hair.

‘I thought I was too late. I thought I was going to lose you too,’ Rodney admitted as he lay there, watching the room move up and down slightly with the rise and fall of Evan’s breathing, cherishing every intake and exhalation of air like it was the greatest gift he’d ever received.

‘I love you.’ Rodney’s words slipped out into the silent room, hanging in the air like the scent of Jasmine on a warm evening, he heard Evan’s breath hitch in his chest. The arm against his back drew him impossibly closer and Evan’s lips were against his hair again.

‘I love you too. So much,’ Evan’s voice cracked with emotion.

Rodney lifted his head as Evan lent down to him, their lips pressing together gently in a kiss that echoed their words. The chapped lips against his, the warm puffs of air against the side of his nose all reminding him that the man he loved and come so close to losing was still here.

‘Hey! I’ll be havin’ none of that in here thank ye very much! Rodney stop mauling my patient,’ Carson said, only half joking.

Rodney drew back sharing a conspiratorial smile with Evan before clambering off the bed to find Carson standing, arms folded against his chest, looking like a grumpy mamma bear. ‘It’s called kissing, Carson; not mauling, that’s probably where you’re going wrong.’

Carson look uncomfortable for a split second before rolling his eyes.

‘Aye Rodney, I dare say it is.’

Rodney lent down and quickly kissed Evan chastely on the lips. ‘I’ll be back later, I’m going to shower and change.’

Evan lent up to kissed him again. ‘See you later Mer.’

Rodney smiled in answer, reluctantly leaving Evan in Carson’s capable hands.

 

~*~

Over the following weeks Evan dutifully stuck to his recovery programme. Thankfully, so far, he showed no lasting effects from his brain injury and his internal injuries were healing nicely. Most days were arduous and brought a new challenge, there were times when he felt wrung out, frustrated and wanted to throw in the towel, but Rodney was always there supporting him. The psychological therapy turned out to be more tiring than the physical therapy but his nightmares were getting fewer and farther apart so he figured it must be doing him some good. This afternoon had been particularly difficult; they’d been using eye movement desensitization and reprocessing methods so, today he’d dug up his most disturbing memories of his imprisonment and torture and it had left him feeling raw.

At least he didn't have to worry about work.  Evan had been told that General O’Neill arrived to step in as acting CO shortly after he’d come out of surgery. The General had insisted on constant updates from Carson and been a frequent visitor in the early days of Evan’s recovery, telling him to take all the time he needed until he was ready to go back to full duty where.  Evan didn't think it was a coincidence that so many changes had been run by him for his input, probably just as a courtesy, and implemented while the General was around. Evan had gladly signed off on and welcomed the new Co-habitation directive; sharing quarters was now encouraged, O’Neill having decided it was more efficient to have multiple occupants in quarters rather than everyone having their own room; there were still those who preferred a solitary life but larger rooms had been opened to those wishing to share and some had decided to all squeezed into the same small room together but whatever the choice it was never questioned.

Evan had just started his therapy when Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was repealed, which had made talking to his therapist easier, a zero tolerance policy against any homophobia was in effect and anyone found to have issue with the new precedents were offered alternatives.

The investigations into the murders and those involved were still ongoing and the General had kept Evan informed as much as he could. However the changes happening in Atlantis indicated amends were trying to be made; everyone on Atlantis was painfully aware, none more  acutely than Evan and Rodney,that it was tantamount to closing the stable door after the horse had bolted but it was a step in the right direction.

 

~*~

 

Rodney was sitting hunched over his computer at the desk, earnestly tapping away when Evan returned from his therapy session.‘How did it go?’ he asked, spinning his chair around to face Evan.

‘Draining is an understatement,’ Evan replied as he walked over and dropped down on the side of the bed.

Rodney spun in his chair to face Evan again. ‘Do you think it’s helping? We can try other things if it isn’t.’

Evan ran his hand over his hair. ‘It’s helping, it’s just tough going at the moment.’

Shutting his laptop down Rodney moved to kneel in front of Evan, joints cracking in protest, resting his hands on Evan’s knees for balance. ‘It’ll get easier, I promise,’ he said, thumb stroking over the material pulled taut across Evan’s leg.

‘I’ll hold you to that,’ Evan replied, a grateful smile fanning the lines beside his eyes. Cupping Evan’s face, Rodney’s thumbs caressed the fine lines gently as he studied Evan’s blue eyes shining back at him before softly kissing Evan’s forehead, then his eyelids and the tip of his nose, drifting to his mouth over to Evan’s to kiss him gently until the warm slide and pull of their lips stole their breath. He nudged his tongue softly into Evan’s willing mouth, their tongues curling and caressing together in a wet, velvety dance. The taste of coffee a dark tang contrasting with the light sweet taste that was uniquely Evan sent warmth racing to Rodney’s core and pooling in his groin, his needy moan buzzing into their kiss. Evan held Rodney’s head in both hands as he moved his own to the side, deepening the kiss, pulling a contented whimper from Rodney as their mouths pressed harder, opening wider to give each other better angles, breathing heavier into each other, tongues pushing and twining together. Evan’s hands slid down, over Rodney’s throat across his chest, around his waist and down to cup his ass, pulling their bodies closer as their kiss became more frantic, their moans increasing to needy wordless pleas until Rodney drew back so just their noses and foreheads touched and they were breathing hot and hard against each other. ‘I think... I’m getting a signal here... that you might want to take this further than second base?’ he laughed lightly. ‘You really think you’re ready for that?’

Evan smiled back almost shyly. ‘I think it’s time. I really need to be close to you right now.I miss you. Do you want this, you know what happened last time?’

Kissing Evan on the tip of his nose Rodney stood up gingerly, his knees protesting at kneeling on the hard floor, ‘Without any doubt in my mind, yes,’ he answered pulling Evan to stand up with him. ‘But if you change your mind ..’ Rodney let the sentence trail off as he untucked Evan’s t-shirt.

‘I will, but this feels right Mer,’ he said unbuckling Rodney’s belt.

Rodney pulled Evan’s t-shirt off, interrupting the progress Evan had been making on his pants. The scars on Evan’s torso from the surgery were still an angry red, smaller scars and marks from his torture littered his skin making Rodney feel a surge of anger and guilt.

‘Hey,’ Evan said gently, bringing Rodney’s head up with his index finger so to look him in the eye. ‘Don’t feel guilty. It wasn’t your fault. Carson said he could get rid of some of them, I told him no but if you want me to I will.’

‘No.’ Rodney said, leaning down to kiss a scar just above Evan’s left nipple. ‘You’re a survivor, don’t hide it.’ He kissed down until he could take Evan’s nipple into his mouth, teasing and sucking it into taunt peak, then moving over to it’s twin and giving it the same attention while he undid Evan’s jeans and slid his hand inside, palming Evan’s cock through his shorts.

Evan sighed as his hands slid under Rodney’s t-shirt back and up his back to caress the muscles as they moved. ‘Mer, wait. Less clothes, there needs to be less clothes now.’ Gently squeezing Evan’s thickening cock goodbye for now, Rodney released the nipple from his mouth with one last lick before he stood up and pulled the rest of his clothes off while Evan made quick work of his own until they were standing naked in front of each other, surrounded by piles of discarded clothes.  Rodney smiled; reaching out for Evan’s hips he brought their bodies and lips together. The kiss was deep and lazy;  their hands drifting over each other’s skin, massaging favorite places and ghosting over sensitive spots until Evan gripped Rodney’s ass and ground his hips making their hardening cocks press together.  Licking a stripe up Evan’s throat and pushing his hand down between their bodies, Rodney took Evan’s cock in hand, slowly spreading pre-come around the head, rubbing his slick thumb over the sensitive spot just below the crown, making Evan moan at the sensation. Rodney dropped to his knees again, watching Evan’s cock twitch eagerly in his hand before holding it still and lapping at it, teasing the slit until pre-come started to pool on his tongue then swallowing the head, sucking and licking at the smooth round flare.  Rodney felt Evan’s hand grab his head and just rest there as he slid his mouth down Evan’s filling shaft, humming with pleasure as he went, the taste of Evan getting stronger on his tongue, he hollowed his cheeks creating an exquisite suction as he dipped and pulled up on the meaty shaft, one hand resting on Evan’s thigh for support while he used the other to fist his own cock. Letting Evan’s wet cock spring from his mouth and adding the pre-come from his own, Rodney started to pump the silky fully hard shaft while kissing messily across Evan’s belly and chasing the vibrations made by Evan’s moans.

Evan tapped on Rodney’s shoulder frantically. ‘Mer. Mer, bed. Now,’ he gasped.

Rodney looked up, his lips swollen, chin wet and shiny.’You okay?’

Evan smiled, sex dazed.’Yeah, I just need to lay down.’

Rodney took Evan’s offered hand, pulled himself up and led them over to the bed. Evan settled his shoulders and head against the headboard, lazily jacking his own cock while Rodney took the lube and condoms out of the drawer and set them on the bed before kneeling between Evan’s legs.

Evan ran his hands up Rodney’s thighs.’ I want you in me.’

Rodney nodded thoughtfully and slid his hands up Evan’s arms matching the other man’s caresses. ‘How long’s it been?’

‘A long time.’ Evan smiled coyly.

Rodney lent over, grabbed the lube and squeezed some out into his hand, warming it ‘I don’t want to hurt you,’ he said seriously.

Evan let his thighs fall open obscenely. ‘I’m absolutely not going to complain about you wanting to finger me, Mer,’ he laughed, his swollen cock bouncing lightly against his tummy.

Rodney smiled and rolled his eyes. ‘Hussy!’ he grumbled fondly, circling his lubed finger around Evan’s hole before pushing through the tight ring of muscle and working him open. Rodney leant over to kiss Evan’s nipple, pushing and teasing with his tongue, gently biting and kissing as he moved his hand to find the small bulb of Evan’s prostate with his fingers and then stroking it until Evan was gripping the sheets with fiercely clench fists, panting hard and a sheen of sweat shone on his skin. Rodney gently removed his hand, giving Evan time to back down a little before using more lube until Evans hole was stretched and slick.

‘Mer, I’m ready. C’mon. Please.’ Evan practically whined as he tightly held the base of his cock.

Rodney kissed the inside of Evan’s thigh and lent back to lubed his own cock as Evan opened the condom,  he watched Evan’s hands shake a little with endorphin's as he rolled the latex down over Rodney’s cock then lay back to let Rodney add more lube. Settling his groin firmly into the warm, wet cradle between Evan’s thighs. Rodney held his cock in place as he pushed forward into the taut pressure of Evan’s hole until it breached, the hot pull of muscles engulfing his cock. Evan’s slight grunt of discomfort cut off into a deep moan of pleasure that had him gripping the sheets again as Rodney bottomed out. Rodney ground against Evan’s groin, pubes rasping against Evan’s as he tried to get as close as humanly possible. Evan wrapped his legs around Rodney’s waist pulling them together tighter as he thrust up causing an exquisite squeeze of muscles around Rodney’s cock and pulling a deep groan from his throat. Bracing his hands on the bed Rodney snapped his hips back and pumped, short, sharp thrusts, the sound of their bodies slapping together filling the room along with their moans.  Evan clutched blindly at Rodney’s sweat slick shoulders, his fingers biting into flexing muscle as his body rocked from powerful thrusts, his own achingly hard erection bouncing against his tummy, leaving streaks of glistening pre-come as Rodney’s thick cock filled him, sending wave after wave of hot pleasure flooding to his groin. Rodney pulled his hips back, the muscles in his legs trembling, until just the tip on his cock was still surrounded by the clasp of Evan’s warm muscles. They were both panting hard, faces now only inches apart so their breath was a humid puff of air against their skin. Running one hand up and down the back of Evan’s thigh, Rodney revelled in the feel of damp skin and the tickle of hair against his palm, eyes roving over the sweaty flush that spread from high on Evan’s cheeks down his neck to his heaving chest. ‘You’re beautiful,’ Rodney panted, his voice hushed in awe.Evan hands slid soothingly up and down Rodney’s damp biceps, their eyes locked together as Rodney lowered his torso, bracketing Evan’s head with his arms and licking into his mouth, kissing him hard. Rodney slid his cock back into Evan’s body in one firm, deep thrust that had Evan wrenching his mouth away to let out a guttural moan and his back bowing, pushing his chest against Rodney’s as the thrusts slapped against his ass. Capturing a deliciously dark nipple between his lips again, Rodney sucked at the tight, salty nub to the rhythm of his hips, chasing it as Evan’s body collapsed back onto the bed and away from Rodney’s mouth. Evan’s hands pulled Rodney’s head back to his chest encouraging him to suck harder as Rodney’s hips fucked him into the bed. Evan’s legs fell from around Rodney’s waist and he planted his feet on the mattress, desperately thrusting up to meet Rodney’s hips, their skin smacking together wetly as Rodney’s balls bounced heavily against Evan’s ass.

‘Fuck, Evan.’ Rodney moaned as he rested his forehead against the curve of Evan’s neck, slowing his thrusts until he was rocking deep into the tight heat. ‘Love you. So much.’

Evan slid one hand through the short wet hair at the back of Rodney’s head, his own hips now flexing into Rodney’s to match the slower, deeper pace, as his other hand slid over the undulating muscles of Rodney’s back, gripping at them every time their hips met. ‘ I’m so close. Please. Mer. Harder.’ Evan begged.

Rodney scattered quick, feather light kisses across Evan’s face, ‘I love you Ev,’ he panted as he felt his own orgasm tingling in his groin. Rodney grasped for Evan’s hand, lacing their fingers together tightly against the mattress as he pumped harder, forcing sharp cut off groans from both of them. Evan’s ass spasmed around Rodney’s cock as his own body started to shake. Evan cried out, his hand squeezing Rodney's painfully as his cock spat white pools and stripes across his stomach and chest. Rodney felt his balls tighten and tingle, his hips thrust hard and uncontrolled into Evan’s convulsing muscles until every muscle in his own body locked and then released, his groin flooded with white hot pleasure as his cocked hardened and jerked, pumping deep into Evan’s body. Rodney gave himself a few moments to before he slipped out of Evan’s body, got rid of the condom and grabbed a tissue to quickly wipe them off before resting his head against Evan’s damp skin, as they both lay trying to catch their breath. ‘I meant it.’ Rodney said when he was no longer gasping for air.

‘Hmm?’ Evan replied dreamily, his fingers drifting through Rodney’s damp hair.

‘It wasn't just a-a heat of the moment thing,’ Rodney replied, tracing a languid line down the valley between Evan’s pectoral muscles with his finger. ‘ I meant it. I do mean it. I love you and I’m sorry I couldn't say it before. When you were in a coma I talked to you for hours.’

Evan smiled fondly, ‘What did you say?’

Rodney’s hand stilled and he lay it flat against Evan’s chest, feeling the rhythmic thud of his heart beating with vitality. This was what he’d asked for, another chance; ‘I told you I was sorry, for keeping you at a distance, that I was scared of losing you, I thought if I tried to distance myself from you losing you wouldn't hurt as much. But I was wrong because I’ll always love you and if I ever do lose you there’s nothing that would stop it from hurting just like before.

Evan brought his arms around Rodney and hugged him. ‘We've gotta live for today Mer, make the most of every minute we have together, I can’t protect you from the future...’

‘I know,’ Rodney admitted softly, cutting Evan off, ‘I don’t expect you to, I promise. I just want us to be together, whatever happens, whatever the future has in store and I don’t want you to change who you are or what you do.’

‘I love you too, Mer. I always have. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy and I’ll do whatever I can to make that happen.’

‘Would you try Poutine for me?’ Rodney asked nonchalantly. Evan laughed, making Rodney’s head bounce against his chest, he looked up smiling so he could see the smile on his lover’s face. ‘Well?’

‘I think I might make that my one clause in this verbal contract.’ Evan said through his grin.

‘So you agree to all the other things I mentioned while you were unconscious.’

Evan lifted his head to scrutinize Rodney’s expression. ‘I’m not sure I like the way this conversation is going,’ he joked. ‘What exactly am I agreeing to here?’ Rodney felt himself blushing and laid his head back on Evan’s shoulder to hide. ‘C’mon Mer.’ Evan said, nudging Rodney’s head playfully with his shoulder.

‘Fine!’ Rodney said in mock annoyance. ‘There was something about working together, living the rest of our lives together and having a family.’

Evan laced their fingers together and laid their hands back on his chest. ‘I’d like that.’ He said his voice full of affection. ‘I want all of that with you, Mer….but I’m still not trying the Poutine.’

  
  
  
~*~The End~*~


End file.
